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♫ Stuff In My Head ♫

Monday, December 19, 2011

29 Weeks

We are now 7 months pregnant and OMG I am getting so nervous!! It's a mixture of feelings, really, but for most of the part, I am more afraid than anything else.

Afraid of the delivery itself, afraid of not getting everything we need (even tho we have been buying stuff like crazy), afraid of doing the wrong things during confinement and screwing up my body forever, afraid of not knowing how to take care of baby and afraid of too many ppl caring for my baby, omg, seriously, I am so afraid!

But for the 1st time this morning, I started feeling excited. I was thinking about starting to pack for my "chiong" bag (as hubbs call it) which is the bag that I will bring to hospital with me once the contractions start setting in or when water breaks. Then I realised, yay! I can use my new mummy bag when that day comes! It is a Marc by Marc Jacobs baby bag that my sister bought for me in the states and it is so soft and pretty! (Then I also realised, I really love buying stuff more than anything in the world. :S) Then I thought about the new baby stroller that we bought, which is also so pretty and that we can finally take it out of its box and start using it when baby arrives.

I am also waiting for my baby bouncer to arrive. I bought it on Amazon as I could not find it anywhere in Singapore and it is so lovely! I can't wait to see it in its full glory when it comes!

And lastly, we have finally started announcing our bubb's name to our family and friends. We have actually had it for a while now (maybe around 4th month?) but we held off announcing it because we wanted to use it between us for a while and see how it sounded and if it felt right. It stuck with us and we loved it more with each passing day and so now it feels like the right time to tell everyone.

My son's name is ISSEY LEE. Pronounced EE-SEH. Or you could also say Issey as in Issey Miyake.

And no, hubbs and I are not particularly fans of Issey Miyake just that it sounded really nice and we have gone through so many boy names before coming up with one that we both liked. Issey was the 1st name that we both liked immediately when we saw it. Also, we were conscious not to choose a name which ended with "an" or "en" or "on". Like Aiden, Jaydan or Jovan. These seem to be particularly popular these days and I wanted something different for bubbs. :)

Issey's chinese name was chosen by his daddy: 李義 (Lee Yi). 义气的义 but the 义 is written in traditional chinese cuz that's how daddy likes it. Apparently this is the name he envisioned his son having since he was a teenager and so I could not bear to make any other suggestions to burst his bubble. In any case, it kinda rhymed with the "I" in "Issey" as well so I think it's kinda nice too.

So it seems like we are (almost) all set and just waiting for Issey to pop! Not so soon, of course, I hope he stays in there until 40 weeks so that he will be strong and healthy when he comes into our world.

李義, 你要健健康康, 开开心心地来见 daddy mummy ok! 不要太着急,我们等你哦! :)

Thursday, December 01, 2011

The story of a girl who braved the cold in her little black dress and fell sick.

Except I don't pity her cuz she had deliberately put on less to impress.


Sunday, November 13, 2011


24 Weeks

I had a very eventful week last week.

I was hospitalized for the 1st time in my life last Wednesday due to stomach flu. I was vomiting the entire night on Tuesday and by Wednesday morning, I was completely washed out and had absolutely nothing left in my body.

I was asked to be admitted by my gynae for fear of dehydration which could lead to contraction of my uterus and prompt a pre-term delivery. So I checked into Thomson Medical Centre directly after seeing my gynae and she started me on drip that morning until the next. I had 6 packs of fluids (each 500ml) given to me and only by the 5th pack did I start going to the toilet.

It was amazing how when you are on drip, you don't feel hungry at all. I did not eat a morsel of food for 2 days straight and yet I didn't feel hungry. Or maybe I was just too sick to want to eat anything.

I figured that being put on drip would be a good way to lose weight! But I felt very very bloated for the whole day even after being removed from the drip.

I was discharged late Thursday afternoon even though my gynae had asked me to stay for one more day. (I had a wedding dinner to attend the next day & I did not want to miss it!) I regretted my decision immediately when I reached home cuz I felt unwell again and had to stay curled up in bed to wait for it to pass. I only had 1 meal that day.

The next few days I felt very disappointed and depressed with myself. I have not been watching what I eat and I've been so careless with my food choices. I ended up with stomach flu and now gynae says now baby is underweight. :( I feel like such a bad mother already. I spent the whole day yesterday at home crying and I could not help it. I just felt so depressed. I hope it is just my hormones. This also worries me cuz I think I might have post-natal depression.

I am worrying so much and about so much. Hubs asks me not to give myself so much pressure but I can't help it. Who doesn't want the best for their children? I am just so angry with myself for not being able to take care of bubs at this early stage and with something so easy to do.

Now at 6 months, and with 3 more months to go, I feel like it is such a long journey ahead. I pray I will not make another mistake and endanger bub's well-being again.

I also hope I won't get additional stress at work and at home.. I just want the next 3 months to pass without any hiccups and as eventless as possible..

*with all my fingers and toes crossed, and with a little help from God hopefully... *

Monday, November 07, 2011

23 Weeks

Some days I feel like time is passing so slowly.. But today, I feel like time is maybe going faster than I thought.

Next week I will be 6 months pregnant. It sure did not feel that long. While I am looking forward to finally holding bubs in my arms, I am also enjoying having bubs inside me, with me as his only connection to the outside world.

Every day I will tell hubs what bubs did today, whether he moved a lot, whether he kicked harder than usual, or that he has been a sleepyhead throughout the day.

It's like carrying this baby inside me makes him truly mine.

I once read in Karen Cheng's blog, that after she delivered her 3rd child (which she says will be her last), she felt alone.. cuz she was the only person left inside her body.

That stuck with me. Even though I have not delivered my bubs, it hit me as though I had lived through that and I could relate to it.

Anyone taking bets that I would be an obsessive/possessive mother? The odds are not good! :p

So I told hubs that we should complete all our baby shopping before I go into the 3rd trimester. Next week I would be 24 weeks and 3rd trimester begins in week 28. This means I only have 1 month left to prepare for bubs arrival! I still have many many things unchecked on my shopping list! The only time hubs and I have time to go shopping together is the weekends and 1 month means 4 weekends, 4 weekends means 8 days!

Not forgetting, in the next 4 weeks, we have 1 baby shower to attend, 2 weddings in Singapore, 1 weekend wedding overseas for hubs and prenatal class begins on week 26! That is a total loss of 7 weekend days and it leaves us with effectively 1 full weekend day to do our baby shopping.


Oh well, I guess this nature's way of preparing us for a life with a newborn!

And because this is the life I wanted and fought so hard for, I will complete everything that needs to be done on my checklist before bub's arrival and do them well!

So it's back to online shopping for my diaper bag now. Heh heh, baby or not, a girl needs to shop. Some things don't change! :P

Monday, October 31, 2011

On the last day of October 2011.

I wrote a super long post prior to this, saying how on the last day of my birthday month, is a day of reflections for me. Also going on and on about what a milestone this is for me, it being the last year of my twenties.

But you know what, after I finished typing, I read it once over and felt.. sad. This shouldn't be a day to be thinking about my difficult past, the sob-sob stories and the people who made me sob. It should be a day of looking toward the future, with my hand on my belly, of course. :)

And so that long-winded post will be banished into a folder named "Drafts" until once day I decide to publish it when I feel emo enough. :p

For now, thank you to all who has sent me well-wishes on my birthday last week and all my love to those who celebrated my birthday with me. I had a great end to my birthday celebrations yesterday, brunching with my bestest girlfriends. I love them to death and I wish for many many more great years ahead for our friendship.

October, for the 1st time, meant more to me than just my birthday and wedding anniversary. It was the big check on my bubs at the gynae's office and thankfully, nothing major came up and bubs seem happy where he is. Just as Lee Chao and I am as well. And that, to me, is the best birthday present.

It's hard for me to hold back my tears when I think about the fact that this time next year, Lee Chao and I will be joined by the 3rd member of our little family and I will have my hands so full that maybe I will forget my own birthday. Haha. Which will be a good problem. But then again, recent events have taught me not to plan for the future or wish for too much. Just live each day as it comes, being the best person you can be and always be thankful for all that you have. Because it could all be taken away from you the very next day, or this very minute.

So to all my friends, be happy to be alive, to be loved and to be able to give.

"It is not the number of breaths you take in this life that matters, but the moments in life that take your breath away."

Happy Halloween!!!! :D

Monday, October 10, 2011


Can't believe this song is 10 years old come November. It is one of my favourite chinese songs and I will never forget the 1st time I heard it. I was 19 then, and working part-time at a record store when the speakers starting playing this song. I was at my section, shelving CDs and by the time the song entered its 1st chorus, I stopped what I was doing and leaned my butt against the CD rack while listening intently to the lyrics.

It had the most tragically beautiful tune I have ever heard and it almost brought a tear to my eye, right there in the middle of the busy record store.

The lyrics are so moving that each time I listen to it, I close my eyes and can almost feel the cold wind blowing against my chilly face.

I have never come across a song like this for the next 10 years and I believe this song held a very high benchmark for the rest of the songs I heard later on.

It is a perfect song to listen to when nursing a heartache. A great pity that Peggy Hsu never quite made it in the chinese music scene even though I am sure she has a loyal following of fans who continue to appreciate and love her style of songwriting.

Here it is, 10 years later.. I hope it will also bring you back to a beautiful, though sad time, in your life. It is the sad times in life that makes us happy today.


詞曲: 許哲珮 製作: 陳建良 編曲: 陳建良/許哲珮 演唱: 許哲珮

今天特別冷 我想 是冬天來了
翻出一件件毛衣 也翻出有你的記憶

記得去年冬季 你說好下個冬季舉行一場白色婚禮
在耶誕前夕 就我和你 兩個人的婚禮也可以很甜蜜

接近零下的天氣 強迫自己穿著短袖上衣
冷到不能呼吸 卻害怕穿上毛衣 又想起了你 發現是冬季
眼淚結了冰 分不清 是太冷還是痛心
Oh來不及 毛衣來不及送洗 我過期的白色婚禮

沙灘不再美麗 情歌不再動聽
我們不再可以一起 一起
踩著浪花數著腳印 我們過期的約定

Sunday, October 09, 2011

19 weeks

I have very bad posture. Be it standing, walking or sitting. When I stand, I slouch. When I walk, I drag my feet. When I sit, I slump in the chair.

Now that I am pregnant, all these bad habits are taking a toll on my body. I have the worse backaches ever from lower to upper back. I keep reminding myself to stand up straight and sit up straight but I always forget once I get comfortable and end up paying for the price later at night.

It also doesn't help that I am no longer able to sleep on my back as the weight around my tummy increases. If I even attempt to lie on my back, I reflexively turn to my sides immediately as the tummy weighs down on my chest and kinds of cuts off my oxygen.

And it is known the only way to relieve backache is to lie flat on your back. :(

But that is probably the only bad thing I can think of now to "complain" about now that I am 19 weeks along, 1 week short of making the halfway mark.

Nowadays my most favourite thing to do is to put my hand over my belly under my clothes and wait for bubs to kick a leg or punch a fist. It is such an amazing feeling and even though bubs has been moving around for a few weeks now, the feeling never fails to amaze me every time. It is the only thing I have with bubs as a way of communication, to let me know he is ok and well in my belly. I have become so obsessed and addicted with this "daily activity" that as long as I have a free hand, it will be resting over my belly.

Next week will be the 1st time I am seeing bubs on the ultrasound in the 2nd trimester. It has been a long and hard 6-weeks wait. And I will find out for sure next week if bubs is a boy or girl, though my gynae has guessed an 80% chance that bubs is a boy. We will confirm next week that what we saw the last time is not a toe. :)

For now, I am going to stop typing, and put one hand over my belly while waiting for the clock to strike 6PM and head home! And then lie in bed on my side, holding my book in one hand and belly in the other. :)

Sunday, October 02, 2011

You are responsible for the LOVE you make.

Today, a friend I see about twice to thrice a year called to congratulate me on my pregnancy. Our husbands know each other so she told me she heard it from him.

We had a good conversation about babies (she has 2 daughters, a 3-yo and a 5-mth old) and how it feels being a 1st time mom when we ventured into the sufferings on the 1st trimester.

I told her I had a lot of discomforts like nausea, cramps, insomnia and extreme fatigue. She told me she was the same during her 1st pregnancy. Then I told her I am much better now, at 18 weeks. Almost all my symptoms are gone and it is indeed the "honeymoon trimester".

Then she said, "But you didn't say that to your husband, right?"

I reply, "Huh? What do you mean? That I feel better already? Of course, I did!"

She quickly follows after me, "Aiya, you shouldn't! You should continue to tell him you are still having headache, nausea, cramps whatever! You know, this will be the only time they are going to pamper us! After that, you will be like invisible already! All they care about is their new child!"

After I heard that, I felt very sorry for her. Her husband sounds like a jerk! I did not tell her that I don't think my husband will be like hers, because even when I was not pregnant, he was very sweet to me. I don't see why things would change after we have a child. In fact, I believe things won't change. My husband will be a great father and husband, if not an even BETTER husband to me!

So as not to hurt her feelings, I simply replied, "Really? Oh no! Ok I will tell him I am not feeling well today."

And after that, she went on to talk about giving her babies' old clothes to me. Which I gladly accepted, of course.

I wonder if what she says is true. If it is, it would be very scary. It's ironic cuz I thought building a family is supposed to further bond the couple closer. If it drives them apart then why do we start a family for?

I have always known that the key to a happy family, is to have happy parents. Because, without happy parents in a family, is akin to not having a family at all. If you both decided to start a family, then I think it is both your responsibility to make sure the family is well-taken care of not just financially, but also emotionally.

After I have my own family, my top priority will not be to nurture my children (although that will be important also), but to maintain a good relationship with my husband. My husband will always be my top priority. Because 20, 30 years down the road, he will be the one there to sit by my side and hold my hand through thick and thin for the rest of our remaining years. Not my children. Or rather, I do not want to depend on my children in that way. To me, the relationship I have with my husband is more important than the one with my children.If we don't take care of it now, when the time comes and it is left with the 2 of us alone again, it will be too late to repair the relationship. We may no longer even have kind words for each other. I do not want that to happen.

It is easy for me to say this now cuz I have yet to have my own children. I do not know yet how great the love for my children could be. So I hope this post will serve as a reminder to myself to not forget the very basics of a happy family, and what I will owe to my children for bringing them into this world: to give them a happy family! :)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

My SHINee Baby :D

So I went to my beloved SHINee's concert last weekend and needless to say, it was a blast.. I am still trying to get over what my eyes saw and what my ears heard.. *melts* but that's a story for the next blog post. :) with peektures, no less!

For now, I just want to tell you guys that as of today, I am 15 weeks pregnant and all has been ok so far (I won't say "well" cuz I don't want to jinx it).

There has been a few hiccups in my 1st trimester but thankfully, they are all over and I have cleared all the tests.

For now, it is just a waiting game and being more paranoid every day, wondering if I am walking too fast, laughing too hard and stressing too much.

Like last week when I was at the SHINee concert, I think perhaps I screamed a bit too much. I got very worried when I went home cuz I wondered if I had maybe injured my baby's ears. :( I could not sleep till 3am that night.

But I guess, what's mine will b mine. No point thinking or worrying so much, if there's any damage done, it's already been done so no point crying over spilled milk! Just gotta do the best I can and live each day as it comes.

The last gynae appt I went to, baby spread legs so doc saw something in between. Haha. Gynae presumes an 80% chance of the baby being a boy. We will know for sure at our next appt in Oct.

For now, I will keep looking at pretty Korean boys, in the hope of having a cute pretty boy myself. :) What a wonderful excuse for checking out cute guys! Mama's doing it for you, baby! :P

Sunday, July 10, 2011



I want to go but I don't know it I should, especially after my last K-Pop concert experience.. It wasn't exactly fantastic.. I mean I have been to better concerts. And the crowd... really put me off.. they remind me of bieber fans. (And it is definitely not because I am old. HAHA!) :p

ARGH!! HOW???!!!!

Thursday, July 07, 2011

I can't help it.

I know I should not be celebrating but I'm sorry, I can't help it!

Some people just should always be single! 大家开心总比一个人开心好!

:))))))))))))))) I LOVE YOU, TAKUYA!

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Taylor Swfit in Teen Vogue August

Such a pretty picture of Taylor Swift.

Loving the dress! So frilly and swingy. So England in the 1920s. I've always wanted to have a dress like that but I am not tall enough to carry it off plus I have never come across one that I really loved. (Actually I did, once, at Chanel. Unfortunately that is not within my means!)

And when it does become something I can afford, I doubt I will have the youth nor beauty to wear it then. :p

Hugh Jackman in HD?

Yea he's hot to some people, to me, his accent is hotter than his face.

But something about this picture bugs me. It looks too real. If I stare at it for mroe than 3 seconds, it feels as tho i am staring at the real man himself and that he would blink his eyes anytime. (You have to click on it and see it in full scale now!)

Is there such a thing as HD photographs??

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Monday Lunch Relief


I really think the reporter who covered this piece of news truly dislikes Jolin.

And perhaps this is why some artistes remain on good terms with reporters. They decide how the world looks at/judges you.

All the pictures used in the above article are so unflattering!

But it's kinda hilarious and entertaining for me. :p

Pls be happy.

The hearts feels heavy and sorrowful today.

So it is true, you cannot be truly happy if the person you care about is not happy.

Even though you do not belong to me anymore, I still want to see you with a smile on your face, always.

Be happy, please.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

The US of A's answer to Super Junior, perhaps?

The industry terminology for such groups is called a "Super group". Meaning people from already-famous groups get together to form a new group. The more notable ones are Audioslave, made up by ex-members of Rage Against The Machine and 1 member from Soundgarden. As well as Alter Bridge, made up by members of Creed and 1 member from The Mayfield Four. And not forgetting my favourite super band of all time, Tinted Windows, made up of Taylor Hanson (Hanson), James Iha (The Smashing Pumpkins), Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne) and Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick). Is that a cool mix of talents or what! Unfortunately, according to past records, super groups don't always do well.

I wish the opposite for NKOTBSB. Just because I am born in the era of boy bands and I will always have a soft spot for them. :)

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

No one was itchy during the 7th year.

Today is a special day! It marks the 8th year my husband and I have been together and we are now officially past the 7th year! phew! thank god there wasn't much itchiness there! (sorry for the corniness! I am beaming with truck-loads of love today!)

The hubbs sent me to work this morning (not just cuz' today is a special day, he tries to do it whenever he can) and we received some really good news on the way to my office.

The law firm handling the sales of our DBSS flat which is due for completion in 2013 called to tell us they will be sending through the official papers for our transaction today and that all loans and grants have been approved by HDB.

We are simply overjoyed! After almost 4 years of house hunting, we have finally secured our own flat with no hiccups whatsoever this time. Done-deal. Closed chapter. Weeee!!!!!!

Now all's left is to sit and shake leg and wait for 2013 to swing by. Sounds good if you ask me!

It will not be an extraordinary day for us today. Just a normal, usual week day. After work, I will meet the husband for a fish-head steamboat dinner which we have almost every other week. Today we celebrate the normalcy of our relationship and the daily routines that we try not to take for granted as each day passes. Because it is in such spirits, can we celebrate each day like it's special, 365 days a year.

The hubbs like to say, "My ultimate nightmare began on this day, 8 years ago."

And to that, I say, "You have done a great job so far, battling the nightmare. But this is only the tip of the ice-berg. Brace yourself for the journey of life. With me."

Happy Anniversary, my big baby. I *heart* you. :)

Sunday, June 05, 2011

You're TOXIC.

If halfway through my conversation, I talk about my blog, and you seem to show some interest in it, I will offer to give u my blog add.

Or even if I don't talk about it, and you ask if I have one and ask to view it, I will also give the blog add to you.

Or if I desperately want you to read my blog, I will just give the blog add to you la!

However, I do not appreciate it when you have my blog add, and you give it to any other person, AS YOU WISH.

Do you not have basic courtesy or the bare minimum of simple respect for another human being's privacy?

And trust me, if I didn't want you reading my blog, I would not have given my blog add to you no matter what.

And I remember each and every single person I gave my blog add to. So if one day you see me writing about you here, I probably meant it for you to read it. I did not forget that you have access to my blog. Don't put your kind of stupidity on me.

When it comes down to it, I am a simple person, don't make me out to be so complicated. I really do not appreciate all the complications that comes with being someone's friend. Cuz I don't need "friends" like these.

Because you are important to me.

I just sent out an email that's 11 years late.

Butterflies. *flutter flutter*

Friday, June 03, 2011




Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Feel the same.

Closure does nothing for me sometimes. I still feel the same.

I wasn't.

Disconnect to Recollect

I am getting tired of the over-exposure of everyone's life on social networks. Who is to blame? Those demanding it or those supplying it? Whatever happened to invasion of privacy?

I have been feeling this way for a few months now, hence, I have stopped logging on to Twitter and updating less on Facebook, other than photos here and there, I mostly keep quiet in the cyber world.

I still prefer to bare my soul in places like this, where I can select who I want to read my blog. Yes, I can limit the friends who see my FB updates but I am starting to resent social platforms where ppl post their entire lives on it, so I try not to do the same there at FB.

I am caught in a dilemma whenever I want to say something on FB. I think, am I sharing something with my friends, or do I just want my views and opinions to be heard? Do ppl need to hear it? What would my colleagues think of me if they saw this? Does this sound socially correct?

These days I end up not saying anything anymore.

My question is, in not allowing myself to be heard, am I losing myself? Will I lose my thoughts like how I lost my voice in the cyber world?

We live in a society where privacy is a blurred line, really. I don't need to know who stood next to you in the bus today, I also don't need to know what your child's 1st word is. A moment in the bus with a stranger, it could be a special moment, or it could be a torturous one. A child's 1st words, it could be an unforgettable experience, but it could be a painful subject for someone else.

Has everyone become so socially inconsiderate? Is sharing your intimate moments with the world a way of invading someone else's privacy?

It is truly amazing how much one can know about another through their FB page. It redefines a new group of people who are more judgemental, more critical, based on only what they see on FB. (That's a story for another day.)

"Yea she is damn materialistic, in all her pictures she is decked in branded head to toe."

"Her skin must be very bad cuz' her make-up so heavy."

"Maybe she divorced already, her pictures never see her husband one."

I will admit I am one of those who have made a few judgemental statements or 2 based on someone's FB page. And that is exactly what I am trying to change about myself. And in trying to change, I have to disconnect myself from the cyber world and actually try to know the person in person or at least try not to judge.

Our society is such, in order to stay abreast of the issues that matter, you have to stay connected in the cyber world, talk to people who have the same interests and make a stand for what you believe in. Be heard, in other words. And the way the world is so connected now, kind of disconnects some people in a way.

Those people who are contented just for themselves to know what they stand for, what they believe in. Those people who do not need to seek approval of the majority to feel secure. Those people who understand what the world is going through right now and do not feel the need help others understand. They are disconnected. Not a trace of them in the cyber world. You can't hear them, but they are there. And I choose to believe that this is by choice, and not by chance.

Right now, I am in a very awkward place. I am still trying to find my voice in the cyber world. But through this journey of searching, I feel very connected to myself and my inner voice.

So I haven't lost my voice, it is just not wanting to be heard by the world right now.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?

I feel like I have a lot of things I want to write about. But every time I try, I get stuck.

Ok let's take one step at a time. Let's just start with what I am thinking about now.

So everyone knows I have been ttc (trying to conceive) for the longest time. After 2 miscarriages and 6 months of abstinence later (advised by my TCM doctor), we were finally back on track a month ago. So I count my days, wait for the signals from my body, do what mother nature wants us to do and BAM! I think i am pregnant. I woke up one day feeling very light-headed and nauseous. Hmmm, feels like the same as the last 2 times. I am pretty sure.

I go through another 2 weeks feeling all the pregnancy signals from my body telling me everyday I am closer to my dream of becoming a mother.

This week would have been 5 weeks. Would have.

I went to my gynae yesterday cuz I was feeling kinda crampy on one side. Cramps during early pregnancy is either very good or very bad. Good if it was just your uterus stretching to make room for the impending baby. Bad if the baby is being rejected by your body. It could mean an upcoming miscarriage.

So instead of torturing myself to death with my thoughts, I decide to just go and have it checked. It is normally too early to go the gynae with a pregnancy that is less than 6 weeks old. But I do it anyway, just to have a peace of mind.

So the gynae does a pee stick test for me and declares I am not pregnant. I cry. We pay the consultation fee. We leave. I cry some more.

Yes that is exactly what has been on my mind for the last 24 hours. "How could it be?" I keep thinking. And every time I reply the scene in my head, the one where the doctor tells me, "You are not pregnant", I tear a bit more and my heart breaks a bit more.

I am still feeling dizzy and nauseous today and my period still has not come. I think my body is all screwed with all the pressure I am putting on myself. I want to chill. Go with the flow. Let nature take its course. But it's so hard. Cuz I want it so badly. I am in misery.

What I hate most is I can only try again the next month. Once a month. 12 times a year. If I had it my way, I would be trying every fucking day, literally. The suspense just about kills me every time. I lose my sleep, cancel dates with everyone (in case i am really pregnant, I should not be going out all the time), watch what I eat, wear flats, talk softly, walk gently, stay happy, it goes on really. It's in my every thought. How to chill like that? I really dunno.

This TTC phase is taking over me, taking over my life. I want to come to terms that I may very well be childless in this lifetime and get over it so that i can finally live my wonderful life. But I dunno how to do that.

Maybe I am wanting too much, that's why I can't accept the reality of life. That I cannot get what I want, despite already having so much.

Why issit that so much goodness in my life cannot compensate for this one thing that I want and cannot have? Why oh why when I think about babies, it gets me completely down? I feel defeated and hopeless. And I hate feeling that way. It's not me.

These days I have to constantly remind myself that life is not all about having children. There are so many other things happening out there in the world. Who the hell has the time to care about you not being able to have a child?

It's another round of waiting for the next 30 days to pass quickly before I can get a shot at pregnancy again. Maybe I will grow immune to the disappointment some day.

It sounds like a good thing, but then, it sounds like a bad thing.

I am going to end abruptly now. I am sorry for being so whiny. But thank you for reading. Thank you. xxx

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Singapore, it's over to you. (From Yahoo! Singapore, 6 May 2011)

In less than 48 hours, slightly over 2.3 million of you will begin casting your vote at ballot boxes across Singapore.

For many, me included, it will be our first walk to the ballot box, and for that we must be thankful. It has not always been so.

In 2006, slightly over half of Singapore got to vote. In 2001, it was even less than that. We have to go back to 1972 when a majority 87 per cent of parliamentary seats were contested. This time, it's over 94 per cent.

Come Saturday, you have the ability to chart the country's destiny for the next five years and beyond. My sincere hope is that you do not take this lightly.

I am hopeful because over the last week, I have witnessed active citizenry at its best. At each of the four rallies I have been to in the past week, I was heartened to see Singaporeans from all walks of life show up in the thousands and, for some rallies, tens of thousands.

There is something gratifying about seeing your fellow citizens -- Chinese, Malays, Indians and Eurasians of all ages, of all backgrounds -- coming to attend these rallies in their own time, of their own free will. Some come alone, some with friends, many with families.

But all come because of one thing: You care.

It is no small sacrifice. Some skip dinners and go on hungry stomachs to hear what the candidates have to say. Others travel across the island, spending precious time and money just to listen. Snarling jams, pouring rain and muddy fields didn't deter you and, for that, I salute you.

In the last few days, many concerned citizens have also taken to cyberspace to pen their innermost thoughts. Their appeals are insightful and heart-wrenching to read. Elections talk has also dominated coffeeshops and conversations across the island and I cannot help but smile when I overhear such heated, fervent discussion of national issues.

This is what it means to be Singaporean. This is what it means to take a stake in your country.

I am most heartened to see the Gen-Y generation, who some have called apathetic, attend the rallies in great numbers. I have received many emails from this group, telling me they have gone out of their way to educate themselves about what the respective parties stand for ahead of Saturday's decision day. They are our future and, guess what, they care too.

At this important point in Singapore's fledgling nationhood, it gives me great comfort and a deep sense of pride to know we are all together in this. To know that regardless of events around the world, come Saturday, we have the choice to decide our own fate -- a future for Singapore, by Singaporeans.

Whether it will truly be a watershed moment come the early hours of Sunday, I cannot tell. But whatever the results, I am already gratified because I know you care. Come what may on 7 May, let us not forget to come together as one, regardless of which box you crossed.

I will end by saying that over the last few weeks, but especially in the last nine days, I humbly hope you'll agree my team has delivered, bringing you reports from the rallies of all the parties involved. We have done our best to bring you their ideas and platforms and what they represent.

As the intense war of words of the hustings campaign die down and Cooling Off Day kicks in, it is now time for you to calm your minds, cool your hearts and consult with friends and family.

But most of all, you must consult yourself. Decide what is best for you. And decide you must because it is your chance to say, I made a choice.

Your vote is your own and it is indeed secret.

It is up to you now.

It is your time, your vote.

This article is published by Yahoo! Southeast Asia Pte. Ltd., 60 Anson Road #13-01 Mapletree Anson, Singapore, 079914.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Is PAP finally feeling the heat?

It is nice to know that PM Lee is making an effort to break away from MM Lee. I think it is high time for PM Lee to start having his own mind.

And I am so glad there is finally someone from PAP speaking from their heart, not from their mouth. Or at least it seems that way to me.

I am slightly wavered in my decision but am not entirely won over.

The most hated person from PAP for me right now is SM Goh. Seriously, he should shut his trap and let the youngsters do their job. I am very proud of how NSP has handled SM Goh's smirk remarks.

I may not agree with some of the policies made by PAP but I do appreciate everything that PAP has done for Singapore so far.

Things can't get to a greater height if things don't change. And all I want is for the government, OUR government to listen to us sometimes. Listen to our worries, our woes. This is our home and we want to be happy here.

I am looking forward to better communications from the PAP.

Competition is good sometimes, most times. Let's hope PAP realizes that this time around.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Because Life Is Short.

I don't want to waste any time feeling angry, frustrated, annoyed, impatient, jealous, sad or wronged.

I just want to be contented with my life and at peace with myself.

I want to be able to smile at everybody from the bottom of my heart.
I want to be able to love all those who hate me.
I want to be able to understand ppl without judging.
I want to be able to see the good in everyone and overlook the bad.

I want to be the best person I can be.

So help me pls, God.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

At Alynn's request!

Honestly, the bad stuff that happened during my Osaka trip were so overwhelming that if you asked me to just write about the good stuff... it's almost impossible. But I am going to try my bestest since Alynn so kindly asked! :)

Osaka is very much like Hong Kong but with a richer culture, if you ask me. Unlike Tokyo, I find Osaka very local, not internationalized and commercialized. If one wanted to experience the real Japan, one should really go to Osaka. Of course, I am guessing it would not be anytime soon and I am counting my blessings everyday that I returned 2 weeks before the fateful earthquake struck Japan.

The biggest difference between Tokyo and Osaka are the street sights. It is not as crowded, and its people are not as fashionable. If not for the ppl walking past me speaking Japanese, I would not think it was Japan since I always had the impression that Japanese are all stylish and somewhat loud in their dressing. In Osaka, everyone looks.. normal. Some plain even! I also find the people to be slightly more rude, unlike what I experienced in Tokyo. In Osaka, ppl talk in the trains, they push past you on the street to get ahead of ppl and they are less patient. And they don't speak much English. Nevertheless, their service attitudes are still by far better than the ones we get in Singapore. They may not be as friendly and helpful as their fellow Japanese in Tokyo, but they are still polite and full of pride in their work.

There are a few things that stood out from my trip and probably the best memories I got out of it. Here goes!

1. Doggies at Osaka Castle

I went to the must-go Osaka Castle which was home to the late late late late King from seriously very way back. :p I didn't quite pay attention to all the historical details which was on display inside the castle which has now been converted into a museum because the sights there was too beautiful! The castle itself is very majestic and I was told what remains today is only a very small fraction of what the castle used to be. The rest of the compound has been turned into a national park which is a popular place for tourists all over the world to come and view cherry blossoms. The castle that remains today is the main wing of the castle where the King & his family resided.

The castle is surrounded by a lake which makes the whole place very picturesque.

As I mentioned, this is a national park and despite being packed with tourists, there are also many locals there who take walks by the lake along the castle, I suppose daily. A lot of them bring their dogs also and from the way they are so relaxed with their dogs unleashed, shows that they are very familiar with the place and very comfortable there.

Just as I was about to leave, I saw a man coming into the park with a baby stroller. Except the stroller was not carrying a baby, but 3 dogs! 3 super cute small fluffy cute dogs! (did I mention cute?? haha!) I love small dogs and they attracted me to them like honey to the bee! I can say that I went slightly ballistic cuz I made a beeline for them and while everyone was hovering ard the 3 doggies in their stroller ooh-ing and ah-ing, I dived my hands into the stroller and scooped out the cutest little one. (I am sorry I didn't ask the owner 1st but he didn't seem to mind and I was just too excited!) And the little fella loved me, he did! He licked my face non-stop and it felt nice cuz I was cold and his licks were warm and fuzzy. Haha, is that TMI?? :p

Easily my favourite picture from the trip. :)))

2. Geishas in Gion, Kyoto

No I did not take this picture, and there's a reason why I used that picture!

I made a day trip to Kyoto since it was so close by and so legendary. Many ppl say if you have not visited Kyoto, you have not visited Japan. I say if you have not visited Kyoto, you have not seen the real PAPARAZZI!

What is going to Kyoto if you don't go and see some Geishas, right? Before I went, I was told that there are specific timings to go to Gion (the place with the most Geishas in Kyoto) if you wanted to spot Geishas. Apparently they don't just make appearances in public any day and when they do, it is normally for official business, like a performance or festival. So strictly speaking, it is almost impossible to see a Geisha unless you wait outside teahouses to catch a glimpse of them getting into the car that is waiting for them outside.

And that is exactly what I did! I was like a paparazzi, holding on to my camera, ready to snap anytime and eyes darting around frantically from teahouse to teahouse (and there were endless rows of them!)to see which teahouse is the next Geisha going to emerge from! It was almost like playing the whacking game at the arcade: hit it before it's gone!

And I think I was VERY lucky. I visited Gion on a day where many of the maiko-s are having their debut! (Or so I overheard from a HKG tourist.) So all the Geishas I saw that day were fully decked in their Geisha make-up and attire, complete with the white face and "basket" of stuff they carry around. There were a lot of tourists hanging around and running madly after any Geisha that emerges from a particular teahouse. The Geishas are probably used to the attention they get from tourists cuz once they exit from the teahouse, they walk at superhuman speed to their destination, whether it is to a waiting car or another teahouse) so it is truly only about 10 seconds or less that they are viewed by the public. Your camera has got to have the fastest shutter speed to get the best picture possible.

Mine turned out like that:

I refused to run around after them like a mad dog so I stood my ground and waited. And sure enough, a Geisha walked out of the teashouse which I staked for at least half an hour!

After I saw her upclose with my naked eye, I decided it was time to go. I have come to Kyoto, visited Gion and seen a Geisha. There, I can now say I have visited Japan. HAHA!

3. Tempozan Ferris Wheel

The only reason why this is a nice moment for me in Osaka, is cuz' it reminded me of this:

If you watch this drama before, you will remember this scene whereby Shuji and Kyoko are on the ferris wheel... it is damn funny! One of my favorite scenes in the show! So being in Japan and sitting on a ferris wheel kinda reminded me of that and got me very excited, haha! I am nonsensical like that! (To be very honest, the view wasn't that fantastic.)

4. Maid Cafe at Den Den Town (It's a guy's paradise!)

I took this picture secretly as no photography was allowed in the cafe. This was a highlight for me because the food was HEAVENLY. Who would have thought the best food I would taste in Osaka was from a Maid Cafe! I had Japanese pasta and the bacon that came in the pasta was in huge chunks and oh-so-delish!!!! And I must say the service from the "maids" were very very impressive. If I were a guy I would definitely have wanted to stay in Osaka to bed marry one of them! :P

I am going to try my best to describe the experience to you. 1st of all, the girls that are hired, I realise, are of a particular type. The way they speak are definitely a criteria cuz all of them have the most gentle voices I have ever heard in my life. They way they speak can give men an instant orgasm! Haha! Sorry for the mental visual but this is exactly what I felt! But if you are thinking those very "teh" way the Taiwanese girls like to speak, it is far from that. Somehow the Japanese girls can speak in a "teh" way but so gentle that it is soothing. When one of the french maids served me, I found myself mesmerized with her voice and her very gentle ways, the way she placed the napkins on the table with her pinky curled up at the end and clearing our cups as if they were made of feathers.


The last time I felt this way was when I was in primary school and I had a nasty fall which resulted in both my knees bruised and bleeding. My form teacher (whom I loved btw) bent down over me and applied medication on my knees so lovingly I thought I was going to explode from the TLC shown to me.

It feels good to be doted and pampered. I just never thought a stranger who didn't speak my language could make me feel like that.

After my very tender loving lunch, I ventured to other parts of Den Den Town and found many many comic shops. The last time I was in Tokyo, my husband and I tried very hard to find porno shops but to no avail. You know the ones that sell all the porno mags, videos and comics? Haha, I wanted to see those shops and take a look at their ever-booming porno industry! When I returned to Singapore, a friend told me, "Of cuz you never found it, they are all camouflaged behind the clean and decent comic shops! They will never openly advertise what they are truly selling inside! You have to walk through the shop, past the normal comics and to the back separated by a curtain and then you will find what you are looking for."

And so this time I return to Japan enlightened. One of the things to buy on my to-buy list is "PORNO MAGS"! Haha! I had to fulfill my husband's wish for him even if he was not with me! :p (What kind of image did I just paint of my husband?!)

So I very bravely walked into one of the comic shops (but it took some time for me to muster up my courage), looked down at my shoes and marched straight to the back. I didn't have to look up to know all the guys in the store (yea, not even one girl in there) were looking weirdly at me. After I disappeared behind the curtain, I looked up and viola! PORNOGRAPHY PARADISE! There were posters of naked girls everywhere, porno manga, porno mags, porno dvds, sex toys, you name it they have it! And there was even a level 2! I went up the stairs and found a "premium" collection of pornography! The girls featured on the materials are so pretty. Any time can win Lin Chi Ling kind! I also dunno how ppl like Shu Qi can make it as a porn star with such good-looking porn stars in Japan!

It was an eye-opener but by then I was much too embarrassed to be in the center of all these pornography and surrounded only by men! I picked out 2 magazines with the prettiest girls on it and anyhow grabbed a DVD. Then I dashed downstairs to make payment, with my eyes on my shoes the whole time and ran out of the store!

Well, there's a 1st time for everything, right? :)

When I gave my husband his presents, not only was he unhappy, he said, "You went without me?!" HAHA!

And I told him, "Yes, and these presents are to make up for you not being able to be there with me." I never got around to asking him what he thought of the "premium" collection. :p

Other than these 4 highlights of my trip, I must say the shopping is damn good in Osaka. I went over budget by 150%! I figured I must have shopped furiously to make up for the bad company I was having. :p

And that, pretty much sums up my Osaka/Kyoto trip! Just for you, Alynn! And thank you for letting me write such a long piece! :))))

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Because I want to, and maybe you can help me.

I used to have lots of stuff to write about. So much that I used to write 2 times a day, sometimes 3. On some days, when I am tempted to write the 4th, I hold it in and keep it for the next day, in case I had a writer's block, which was seldom since it is not a continuous story i am writing here.

I miss writing, the feeling of the words forming in my head and my fingers rushing to keep up, before I lose my train of thoughts. But it's becoming increasingly difficult these days when I have no theme, no inspiration. Now I only write when I have something to say, and no outlet to say it. So I write it here. The not-so-important stuff. The more important stuff I have no guts to write here cuz who knows who might chance upon my blog one of these days, right.

So yea, I just want to write about something. But I can't think of what. I realise the more contented I am in life, the less creative I become. It's like the contentment has killed my problem-solving skills. There is no need to think of an alternative or another way of doing things cuz there is no need to, I just accept the problems and kind of leave it to unfold itself. I don't try to solve them anymore.

I wonder what the hell that means, that I am becoming thoughtless or I am resigned to my fate. But I am not unhappy leh, weird hor.

So I decided to start writing frequently. At least 3 times a week. But I need to be jump-started.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can write about? Is there a burning question you have been wanting to ask me? Maybe why I am so blunt with my words? Or why did I ignore you that day when I obviously saw you on the street? (Or so you thought.)

Anything, anything at all. Come on, help me out here, pls?

Tuesday, April 05, 2011


Waking up in the morning and deciding to be lazy and that today is a good day to stay home while the rest of the world are at work.

Watching reruns of CH 8 dramas starring passe actors/actresses and dancing silly to the jingles around the house when the TVCs come on.

Eating bad kopitiam food for brunch tapao-ed from downstairs my hse but licking up the bowl anyway.

Lying down on the floor with Winky next to me, sniffing his smelly face.

Taking a nap at 1PM when I woke up at 11AM that day.

Waking up to rumblings and fumblings in the kitchen. Mom's home!

Chit-chatting to Mom about absolutely nothing. Just enjoying her company while she prepares dinner.

Watching whatever is on at 7PM on CH 8 and having a yummy TV dinner with Mom.

Knowing my brother's taking a super long shower in the bathroom and listening intently to the sound of the running water from the living room, waiting for the tap to be turned off cuz I really need to pee.

The loud chattering of my sister's voice, while she's talking to her boyfriend on the phone in the room with me in it and disturbing the songs I am playing on iTunes from my PC.

The never-ending nagging from Mom, from telling my brother to rem to eat dinner, to asking my sister to rem to buy her stuff, to ordering me to spend less money. ("How many pairs of shoes do you need?!")

The deafening silence of the night when everyone is curled up in bed while I am up and awake, staring up at the ceiling feeling sleepless cuz of the long nap I took in the afternoon, but knowing all 4 of us are safely locked in the same house, dreaming dreams with the same people in them.

I miss that boring, bothersome life sometimes. Do you?

Monday, March 21, 2011

When you can't decide if you wanna be serious, sexy or fun....

Kate Winlset in Stella McCartney

I kinda like this. It's like being serious, sexy and fun all at the same time. And her make-up.. so nude, so nice!

You know what they say about girls.. we just wanna have fun! :)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Confessions of a Control Freak

There has been a series of events happening around me lately that made me realise how scared of death I am. I don't know if I am scared of death itself or the fact that I would be caught unprepared and not be able to tell my loved ones my last words. I have a strong feeling it is more of the latter.

So I've hesitated and struggled for a few days, wondering how I should ensure that would not happen. That even if I died tomorrow, I would go with a peace of mind, knowing my loved ones would know how I felt.

I thought I would write a letter, and hide it somewhere. when I die and the husband clears my stuff, he should find them. BUT. What if he doesn't? Or what if he dumps everything w/o even looking? Or worse, what if he chances upon them accidentally when I am still alive? He would think I have some terminal illness and am not telling him.

So this option is out.

Then I thought, I could write the goodbye letters, and hand it over to someone I trust for safekeeping. In this case, I thought of my best friend. Whom I completely trust and she would understand why I would do this, being the control freak I am who loves it when things go according to plan. She could be there to hand out all these letters for me when I am gone. That would be perfect. In fact, I would not even seal them so that she knows she is welcomed to read them, that I have complete trust in her. BUT. What if her house burned down? Or if she misplaced it? Or worse, what if she dies before me? (CHOY!) That would be horrible.

So this option is out too.

And then I thought, you know, things online never disappear.. they are always archived somewhere.. if you wanted it, it would only take a snap of a finger to pull it out.

But I couldn't possibly type them an email cuz there would be no one to send it for me when I passed. I also can't time it to be sent cuz, well I dunno when that might be.

So you know what, it turned out it might be best for me to write it here, cuz I have friends who read my blog from time to time.. and if they read such a thing here, it would be highly unlikely (I hope) they would not forget it and when the time comes, I am sure they will direct my loved ones here to see what I wrote. PERFECT.

And so that is exactly what I am going to do. If you see a post one of these days that resemble a suicide note, pls do not panic... I am just writing for a rainy day. :)

I am a control freak like that! *shrugs shoulders*

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

My Shining Life!

Those of you who have me as a friend on FB, you would know that I just returned from an Osaka trip. Osaka is an amazing city, the shopping is fab and considerably cheaper as compared to Tokyo. They had H&M! That made shopping in Osaka orgasmic. *giggles*

This trip was the 2nd time I went on with friends. The 1st one being the trip to Bali for 4 days, also with 2 other friends - my absolute BFFs.

This trip, however, felt entirely different. 1st of all, it certainly was not fun. I can't begin to describe the emotions I felt during my Osaka trip. It's a mixture of good and bad stuff. Good being the place itself, the weather, the shopping. It would not go wrong with careful planning. I would recommend it more than Tokyo.

The bad being the company. It was the worst. The thing is I had not expected it cuz if I had, I would not had embarked on the trip in the 1st place.

And you know how it gets when you have bad company. It makes everything seem bad.

Even though I did not have a good time, I did learn many things during trip. My patience, for one, grew incredibly. To put up with someone rude and mean for 5 days is not an easy feat. And I am proud to say that I did it. Without even a word of complain. Though at one point I did show my displeasure for about an hour but I quickly got back my senses and tried to ease up the atmosphere. It was after all a holiday and I should not ruin it for everyone just cuz I was unhappy.

However, this notion was not shared by my fellow travelers. One particular friend made sure her every thought and emotion was heard and felt and if she didn't like what you said, she simply ignored you, even though she asked the question. This happened a lot during the trip and it got to one point, even if I knew the answer, I kept quiet. I don't deserve to be treated like shit and despite my trying to make it a pleasant trip for everyone, she was doing everything she can to make mine hell. She would get angry when I bought something she liked even when I saw it first. I did not mind if she got it too but she chose not to but to sulk about it. She would also get angry if I found stuff to buy and she didn't. @^#%*@$?!?

I went on the trip without knowing that the 2 of them were closer than I thought. If I had known, I would have most certainly grabbed one more friend along. But I thought since we are already on the trip together, we should do things for 3 persons, shop for 3 persons, eat for 3 persons, basically consider everything for 3 persons. But no, they stuck to each other like glue and most of the time, I felt like I was holidaying alone. At one point, we split up to do our own shopping and agreed to meet 1 hour later. When I met them 1 hour later, I realized they had been shopping together and I was the only one who shopped alone. At that point I had already accepted the fact that this was how the rest of the trip was going to be so I uttered nothing. All I wanted to do was shop and go home asap. I refrained from having a showdown with them since I thought it would be unfair to teach them a lesson amidst a holiday. But it took everything I had inside to restrain myself.

When I returned and saw my hubby at the airport and received heartwarming text messages from my friends to welcome me home, I felt better instantly. I could not be bothered with the 2 of them and realized how shallow and juvenile they were. They honestly deserve each other and I truly hope they remain best frenemies forever. (Frenemy definition: People who put others down to make themselves feel better.)

I am glad that at the end of something bad, I got something good out of it. I have already been a contented person before the trip but now, I am contented and grateful. That I have loyal friends, a loving husband and a wonderful family. They are the people who constantly inject positivity into my life and let me excel and shine in the small ways I can. Having been stuck with 2 very negative people who brought out the worst in me, not allowing me to be the best person I can be, made me realize how blessed I am.

The quantity of friends don't count, but the quality does. I would rather have 1 quality friend than many friends like them in my life. The shallow conversations are tiring.. give me a quiet dinner with good friends any day!

Today I am going to write a list of things that I am grateful for and read it every morning to remind myself how good it is to just be alive and living.

Thank you to all you friends who never hindered me in my endeavors and are truly happy for me and where I am today and lastly, having always allowed me to shine.. :)

**Special thanks Mel & Ben, Joanna & Simon for having me at their weddings! Even though it was immediately after my trip, it put me back in high spirits just being a part of your celebrations! :)