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♫ Stuff In My Head ♫

Monday, December 31, 2007

i am so tired from my weekend...

i spent the whole of saturday moving room (not hse).. we only had one car so we made 3 trips back and forth.. and it is only ONE room. GOD.

when we finished moving, we rested for a bit then went out for dinner and movie. when i got back to my new room i was too beat up to unpack anything. so i didn't. i had wanted to go to sleep BUT turned out my new landlord plays mahjong. :( super depressed. i didn't get to sleep until 4 plus in the morning the next day when the mahjong kakis packed up and went home. i cudn't b more tired. i jus hope he does not play weekdays and sunday. (he didn't play last night, thank god.)

so i stayed most of yday at home unpacking.. but still only managed to do up a bit of the room only.. feeling lethargic and sick so didn't much energy to do anything. was also feeling depressed cuz they family is in the living room most of the time and that limits me to my room most of the time too. and there is absolutely nothing to do in my room.. no internet connection (i dun haf a pc anyway), no tv, no radio, no nothing! only books to read but tt made me feel realli miserable.. i cried a few times that day. that lonely feeling is so scary but the silence is the worse. :(

by evening, i was realli gg out of my mind. when *he* called to check on me, i was realli cranky.. and i cudn't explain why and he didn't kno wat was gg on. so he came to accompany me, bringing me dinner too.

i met him downstairs my block since my landlord does not encourage visitors in my room. when we sat down, he pulled out the lunchbox he brought with him and i realised he had packed food his mom cooked. i didn't ask if she knew cuz i was afraid of the answer. so i jus ate quietly.. then he mentioned he felt putting the food in the lunchbox was very cute and then i cudn't resist so i asked, "did ur mom kno u packed the food out of the hse?"

he said, "ya! i told her it was for u and she helped me to pack also!"

hearing that, i cudn't control my tears and they came like a running tap. i was very touched that his mom did that for me.. even tho she banned me from her plc.. but it was realli ironic.. i dun realli understand wat is gg on. but i was jus very touched that *he* did this for me too. i cud not explain to him why i cried but he was realli concerned.. so i told him i'll tell him when i finished the lunch box dinner.

after dinner, we sat downstairs my block and talked for a bit.. he kept asking me why i was so upset and i told him cuz i felt very restrained to my room and the emptiness in the room is very depressing.. and he immediately got up and said, "come, let's go!"

i replied, "where to??"

he said, "mustafa! let's get u a TV! then we go apply for cable, then u can watch all the shows u want in ur room!"

and i was so touched, i cudn't help it.. i cried again.

we went to mustafa and bought a 21 inch samsung tv.. perfect for my room since it isn't a huge room. *he* had wanted to buy me an LCD TV cuz i kno he wants the best for me. but i told him there's no point getting such a good/expensive one cuz i dun even kno how long i am going to stay on my own for.. and this current contract is only for 6 months.. and i managed to persuade him to get the regular TV but not the cheapest one. he bought the most expensive one out of the range cuz "it looks nicer, so it will make you happier".


after that we went home, and *he* fixed up the TV for me. by that time, it was 1am but i was eager to watch TV cuz i haven't realli watched TV in a long time. so even after he left, i watched my new TV until 3am, watching channel u and channel 8 simulataneously. thus i am feeling even more tired today... but definitely happy. :) and in a few days time, i will have cable in my room!

i am realli blessed to haf someone like *him* looking after me.. i dun think anyone can do a better job.. when he reached home, i sms-ed him that i cried just now cuz i felt touched and he replied to say it's ok and tt as long as i'm happy, he's happy.

thank *you* so much.. from the bottom of my heart. :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone!! GOOD 2008 to all!! *big smile*

Friday, December 28, 2007

i need to stop being paranoid but i realli dunno how to. :(

the dowager was out of town for abt 2 weeks and returned last night. when i heard that *he* was going to pick her up from the airport, my fury jus exploded in my heart. how come everytime she returns from out of town, the whole family has to go and pick her up? the last time i returned from out of town, he didn't even come to pick me up. WHY? he said he to work. so how come he didn't haf to work last night??

and bcuz i am in my paranoia, i am beginning to suspect the real reason why he did not offer to take me to Shanghai and HK with him in Jan next year is cuz he did not want to infuriate the dowager. perhaps the dowager wud not haf been pleased abt that. me and her son on a holiday tgt without her.

and now that she is back, i am dreading the mornings again.

every morning, i wud wait for *him* to either sms me, "I'm up" or "I reach office oredi". this normally happens between 10am to 11am. the time now is 12.07pm and i still haf not heard from him all morning. the reason being he is home with the dowager, talking. they talk every morning, they nv run out of topics. it kills me to alwaes wonder and guess wtf they talk abt.

is *he* pouring out r'ship woes to her? work woes? financial woes? WHAT!! stuff he doesn't tell me abt??!!! omg, i go crazy working my mind on these senseless thots but i dunno how to stop it! i realli hate feeling this way but when it comes to the dowager, i jus get totally insecure and paranoid.

i get upset not even knowing wat is going on the whole morning for him and lamenting why he has not bothered to send me one sms all morning!

i feel small.

i feel invisible.

i feel insignificant.

it's a horrible friday.

post-script: turns out he reached office bright and early.. and didn't call/msg cuz he forgot his phone.. see, paranoia gets you nowhere!!! glad i didn't call and lash out at him! :p

Thursday, December 27, 2007

This is my WINKY BABY!

Winky has this perpetual sad face.. which is why everytime i see him, i feel the need to cuddle and sayang him. but realli, he isn't sad.. shih tzus just look like that.

Others like to say, he has a blur face. but that's pretty cute too, isn't it? :)

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

moving out of nat's place and to the new plc in a few days.. not feeling too excited abt it cuz the landlady gives me the impression that she isn't big on being nice. i did mention previously that i liked the fact she tries to keep the privacy between her family and me in the house by not being too friendly to me. but i think it's a bit too unfriendly when i sms her regarding the move-in and she replies with one-word answers. it jus doesn't make me feel like i am going to be comfortable in her hse.

i can oredi foresee myself hiding in the room most of the time i'm "home".

we met agus and sally yday to go through the final itinerary and other vital details of their customary wedding next Thursday. and agus suddenly popped the question, "when are u guys getting married? everyone i invited to my wedding commented that they thought you guys would be the 1st."

i jus stared into space. and when *he* turned to me and asked, "eh, he asking you leh." i felt a bit stung. as if i am in any position to decide this. i felt like screaming at the top of my voice, "the empress dowager has yet to let down her defences on me, and as long as she doesn't, we will not get married!"

why does the fate of my happiness have to lie in her evil clutches?? is this realli an act out of love for her son?? or just plain selfishness on her side?? i just cannot stress on how much i hate the dowager now. NV HATED ANYONE MORE!!!!!!!!!

*he* will be leaving for Shanghai nex weekend and i'm going to be alone.. :( end of Jan he is going to HK and then i will be alone again. By the time he returns, it will be CNY and if the dowager still bans me from appearing before her, that means i will be alone too, still.

do i realli deserve this huh? i am realli starting to get impatient.. but i mus not lose to the dowager, NEVER. i gotta hang on!!

2008 is coming.. seriously, 2 years ago, i imagined myself married and happy by now. how many more 2 years do i haf to wait??

my 2008 new year resolution - i just want to be happy..

Friday, December 21, 2007

god. i realli dunno how long i can put up with Firestarter's nonsense. She does not stop talking and it is so so getting on my nerves!!!

she is definitely an attention seeker, the typical kind with low self-esteem cuz she is alwaes portraying herself as miss know-it-all and it is so darn irritating!!!!

if you talk abt travelling, she will annouce, "my best fren works with a travel agency, she gets me the best deals in town".

if you talk abt cars, she will proclaim, "my uncle owns a tyre shop, he gives me the best car deals in town".

if you talk abt celebrities, she will offer, "my fren works with the press, she tells me all the news 1st hand".

my point is, there is NOTHING on the face of this earth that she does not know. in other words, she is a walking encyclopedia!


maybe she realli is ms know-it-all, but the way she pushes information to ppl so aggressively in the "no-one-knows-better-than-me" attitude is just so overbearing and disgusting.

and she alwaes talk at the top of her voice, allowing her manly voice to penetrate through the office. like she owns the freaking office. WHY DOES SHE HAF TO DO THAT??

i am realli up to my neck with her nonsense. either i quickly get used to it or she loses her voice forever!!!


another one of my (new) fave YZ pix:

i dunno why some stick-thin ppl can look so nice in loose-fiting tops. YZ and karen mok are best examples. ok i am not stick-thin like them but i am not too filled out either. i've tried to put on such tops but they jus look like shit on me! so sad. but YZ looks realli gorgeous in this photo. she is such a photogenic person. *envy*

oh ya i stole this pic from .J's blog. sorry ar.. *grins*

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

saw winky last night.. he looked better than i hoped.. except he was only skin and bones now.. all his cute baby fats gone.. no more stubby legs, no more rounded tummy, no more big head. just, boney bones everywhere. :(

he was so incredibly light to carry, i was afraid if i exerted too much force, i wud hurt him. but when i dropped him back on the ground, he ran and jumped and played. then i knew he must be feeling fine.

of cuz, that insatiable appetite of his also re-appeared and that was a sure sign that he was feeling way better than he did over the weekend. (he felt so sick that he did not haf a drop of water/inch of food for 4 days last week, thus the weight loss.)

anyhows, my winky baby is ok for now.. i'm gonna b seeing him more for the nex few months until i am put at ease that he's gonna b around longer than the doctor told us.

*keeping my fingers crossed*

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

winky is sick. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

trying my bestest not to cry.

i haf been so bad. i haven't gone to see him in months. doc said he might go anytime. my winky.

i will nv haf another pet after winky. i cannot bear this kind of separation and pain. sometimes i resent my sister for bringing winky home.. make us all grow attached to him and now this. i love dogs too much to haf my own.. i jus can't bear to open up my heart to be hurt like that..

winky.. b strong.. i kno u r in pain.. but no matter wat, u kno we all love u the most and no other doggie can take ur place.. dun b mad at me ok? i promise i will go see u often from today onwards. i'm very sorry for not being with u the past months..

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Friday, December 07, 2007

had dinner with my beloved aunt at her plc last night. had our usual crazy jokes and laughs at the expense of HK celebrities, which, altho funny, we both love to the core. :)

and being my sweet and beloved aunt, she got me an ultra early xmas present!! :) when she whipped it out, i cud not take my eyes off the cover. WHY LIKE THAT!! hahah.. it was the debut album of her 亲爱的林峰! she was very excited abt the album that she jus received in her mail the day before, having ordered it online as it is not available in singapore just yet. (or maybe will not be available at all, our local record stores dun carry a lot of HK artistes, we kno tt by now.) so we started to skim through the cd, she played the tracks that she's liked so far and i haf to agree.. it is realli good. (as i am typing this, i am listening to the album om repeat mode. :p)

not sure if others haf heard 林峰 sing before.. but he is actually good for a newcomer in the singing category. we all kno his accomplishments as an actor but this new label as a singer seems to suit him just fine too. the songs are also very "competitive".. not the low-budget sounding kind.

but i still haf to say he looks dirty to me. hahahha.

u kno how being tanned makes some ppl look dirty.. he jus gives me tt impression. but i am not saying he is un-goodlooking ok. he is not bad. wat more after watching 溏心风暴.. his character is realli very impressionable.. i like!

ok, now i will show u the album cover that realli made me cringe for a while.. but a closer look at it makes me laugh uncontrollably. :p this album comes with 3 different versions of cover.. and since my aunt ordered online, she was sent 2 copies of the album randomly:

and guess which one we ended up getting and poking fun at..

the 1st one la.. why the pose like tt one?? so not cool?!!! hahahha... aiya nvm la... inside the album got the other pictures anywae.. jus dun look at the album cover lo. (sorry ar, yiyi.. insult ur 亲爱的林峰.. but now i also like "自己保重".) :p

it's friday... phew. weekends, try not to past so quickly, ok? :D

Thursday, December 06, 2007

omg, i simply cannot believe my ears. how can anybody be so disgusting????

自闭症 - "i show u i show u. this was me 2 yrs ago."
desperado - "huh! why like that.. wat happened to you?"
自闭症 - "huh.. why u say until like that.. so jiat lat meh.." (note - the pictures she is showing her is a picture of herself 2 yrs ago before she started to use make-up.)
desperado - "dun look like u lo.. so different now.."
自闭症 - "wat u mean.. that time better issit.."

desperado nv say anything to that cuz clearly, she is not the kind to offer compliments to ppl generously. she is alwaes jealous. so the conversation kinda jus ended abruptly.

wa lao. no make up and make up of cuz got make up better right!! it sounded like she was trying to fish for compliments abt how pretty she looks now?!?!? where got ppl so disgusting one, u tell me!!


i'm sure i must have said this a gazillion times. I HAVE A WONDERFUL BOSS. but you know, nature alwaes has a way of balancing things in life.


my job is a wee bit different from others. i am required to work with my boss 90% of the time. hence, it is more impt that i haf a good boss, than good colleagues. (which is the reaosn why i stayed on my job - my good boss.)

the office is currently split into 3 big sects (as i believe most offices are).

One sect, is normally made up of the pretty, happy and married/attached/hapily single babes. these girls are most of the time confident but humble. (ok not all, but mostly.) more imptly, they are down-to-earth and pleasant. everyone wants to talk to them.

The 2nd sect, is typically made up of the rejected babes. mostly average looking, petty, easily jealous and definitely, all the time, gossip mongers. (the gays love to be in this group, for strange reasons.) ok they might not be rejects, but for weird reasons, they all haf something against someone in the sect mentioned above. even if they haf never spoken to them before.

The 3rd sect, well, is the NEUTRAL sect. ppl who dun wanna get involved in office politics.

Not that Sect 1 and 2 want to. Sect 1 is more like, being forced to. ppl from Sect 2 are jus hungry for gossip, they CREATE the office politics.

lemme introduce u to the cast of Sect 2:

Joe - the gay of the sect - is actually a nice dude, when is not with them. but that is the scary part, u dunno wat he may be saying abt u.

i'm-all-that-u're-not aka 自闭症 - is such a perfect name for her. she is the supposedly "atas" one of the sect. at least she thinks she is. i hear she used to be from sect 1, but i think she decided they were not atas enuff for her. alwaes walking with her nose in the air, if she ever smiles at anyone, tt would be the eighth wonder of the world. (and she is my age)

firestarter - the "big-sister-big" of the sect. the rudest bitch i haf ever come across. i wud not call her chilli padi cuz she is easily triple the size of me. only one word to describe her - OVERBEARING.

desperado - the typical girl who is being left on the shelf. i hear she also used to be from sect 1. they say she distanted herself from them when they got married/attached one by one cuz she felt left out. more like she felt jealous lo. this one's definitely a follower, doesn't look like she's got a mind of her own.

slutty secretary - except she's not HOT at all. on the contrary, she's a plain jane from head to toe and back to head. :p she has a serious case of attitude problem. she thinks she is the most invincible secretary here - she isn't, cuz i am. i am the Executive Managing Directors's secretary, while she's only the Director's secretary. Neh nee neh nee boo boo! (I figured tt's y she hates me.)

and all of these ppl, gather every lunch time in the pantry to speak ill of someone. it's like their mouth will itch and rot if they dun speak ill of someone. but the thing is, they think that they are sect 1 ppl of the office, when in fact, they are sect 2. how i kno tt is because none of them is attached and they alwaes have that bit of jealousy look in their eyes. but it is so obvious. in their actions and the words they say. and honestly, they look like total losers. dress like losers too. (sorry to say this, but none of them are physically attractive.)

and i hate them oh-so-much. they keep stepping on my toes even tho i meander my way ard them, to stay out of their way.

and so guess wat, they haf ignited my fire. and i am going to deliver my blows twice the power, twice the size.

and i will do it so skillfully, they wud not kno wat hit them.

been seeing the "HERO" movie trailer so much that it has re-ignited my love for takuya-san. it's not like my love for him died, it's just all that korean drama hype made me lose my focus on jap drama for a while.

and at the end of the day, my love is still with jap dramas. :)

reasons are easy to list:
1. the japanese language is more pleasing to the ears
2. the storylines are more interesting, faster-paced, and endings are normally surprising
3. the setting in modern japanese cities is more interesting than korean studio settings
4. the japanese clearly haf better dress sense, thus making it a fashion show at the same time
5. i love takuya-san too much give jap dramas up

guess if i wanted to, i cud go on to list more reasons like, takuya-san looks good in jeans/wateva he wears and etc. haha.

but well yea, like i was saying, i've been seeing the "Hero" trailer ard too much.. wat more with the GATSBY ad playing on TV.. (i haf the song as my ringtone - "I.... can give you GATSBY..") made me miss takuya-san so much that i went to buy a new set of "Beautiful Life" dvds, cuz my old set has gone MIA.

and since i bought it on Tuesday, i've been watching it religiously every evening after work. and i'm almost 3/4 thru the drama.

i loved him the most during the phase of when "Beautiful Life" was shot. to me, he looked his best there.. not too boyish.. but manly with still a hint of boyish feel in him. i didn't like him in "Long Vacation" and "Love Generation" cuz he looked too young and raw in them. and in "Hero" the drama series, he looked too old.. (oops!) every time i went to kinokuniya, i wud dash to the jap mag setion and snatch up ALL mags with takuya-san on the cover. ALL. i loved him so much that anyone who knew me knew i was a kimura takuya freak. and whenever anyone saw a mag with takuya-san in it, they wud call to tell me, or some wud jus buy it for me immediately. HAHA. but hor, now i dunno where all the mags went oredi.. it's quite a small fortune leh!

and when i re-watched the drama.. OMG. i absolutely forgot how good takuya-san looks in "Beautiful Life". TO-DIE-FOR!! i dun think anyone can make me feel the way he does, and separated by the telly! i think it also has a lot fo do with his acting skills, which is so natural, it almost feels darn real! every single action, word and wink.. it is flawless. makes me tingle all the time. ok this is nothing sexual, wat i mean is his boyish good looks is jus so irresistable! and seriously, i think jeans were made for him.. he looks so good in them.. the exact way every guy shud don their jeans!! (but u need to haf a nice small, sexy butt like him la, otherwise very hard. :P)

a lot guys haf small butts, but they are jus not sexy. i dunno how takuya-san does it.. maybe it is in his walk. i dunno. omg, i jus can't get enuff of him!

even before the drama has ended, i am oredi worrying abt withdrawal symptoms from takuya-san. maybe i will re-re-watch it again after i haf finished re-watching it. HAHA.

the best way to end this post, is, of cuz, by flashing a pic of the love of of my affection. ENJOY!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

i am addicted.. and it's realli not good to be this addicted.. to love.

the withdrawal symptoms are far worst than any drugs (not that i have taken any) cuz with drugs, medication can be prescribed to curb the symptoms.. but for my kind of addiction.. i'm afraid nothing in the world can do anything to help.

i dun think i can ever quit for good.. and i dun think i want to. the power of it is simply too strong.. and the goodness of it is too tempting to resist.

i've found that the most effective way to beat those addiction blues, is to keep yourself very busy and have a regular sleeping habit/hours. i normally try to turn in by 10pm on such days as i realised the later i stay up, the harder it is for me to turn in and the more depressed/lonely i get.

so last night, at 10pm sharp, i turned in to bed like a good little girl. and slept soundly like a pig. i was awakened at 1.13am by the loud ringing of my phone. i jolted awake and answered the call.. ecstatic to see that it was the call i had been waiting for. magic words were spoken after the short 10 minute call, i tossed and turned in bed, not able to get back into dreamland. figured i was simply overjoyed and body refused to settle down.

so i went outside to watch channel 8 reruns. it must have been one of the worse shows in the 80s, cuz i enjoy most of the channel 8 drama serials back then and the one i saw last night.. was.. so.. draggy. it reminded of korean drama serials. :p so i switched to channel u.. and they were playing S-Pop Hurray telecasted earlier the same day. surprisingly, it turned out far more interesting than the drama 8 serial. (i am a drama serial person and i wud normally watch any serial out of total boredom.)

the segment where they featured 李伟松 and 李思松 turned out most entertaining. in fact, it was hilarious! they played past performances of them when they just started out. OMG, the dance moves were so gawdy and over!!! even i felt embarrassed for them just watching it at home! but like 权怡凤 said, "要是没这样的过去,就不会有现在的李伟松,李思松。" :)

after that was 陈伟联's segment. it ws nothing spectacular.. his singing is like always.. which mkes watching him a bit boring. plus all the rumours that are going ard.. i am beginning to look at him in a different light now. i can't help it.

the next segment was 林俊杰.. i have never been a fan of his even tho i enjoy his latest album very much. after watching his "live" performance last night.. i was a little moved by his talent and his oh-so-addictive voice. the only word i can use to describe his performace is sleek.. and very 内练 for an artiste so young. 让我从此对他刮目相看!

after S-Pop ended at about 3am, i went back to bed.. didn't sleep until abt 4am! amazingly i managed to get up on time this morning but am having a slight headache now..

but the sleep lost was totally worth it, if u ask me, cuz i got the fix i needed badly for my addiction. :)

Sunday, December 02, 2007

starting to feel like i dun belong in this world.. i shud b somewhere else.. where i can b who i realli am.. not be hurt.. and not be capable of loving. cuz i realli am not able to anymore.

the better i understand love, the more confused i am. is love not abt giving? is it not abt forgiving? why issit that now tt i undertand these.. i am not given the privilege anymore? am i realli that rotten? or has my past caught up with me? suddenly, i feel like i understand wat ex-jailbirds go thru.. even tho they are willing to change, no one is willing to give them a chance or even risk it.

many times i secretly wish i cud go back to the time when i was alone and happy.. when i was alwaes happy to be single.. nv thot i needed anyone. but humans being humans, once we haf something, we will not be contented to go back to wat we were before.. no matter how hard i try to convince myself i will b fine alone.. my heart refuses to believe my brain.

it's weird how u allow the same person to hurt u over and over again, in the same manner. and u think the nex time it happens, u'd b prepared. but no. it becomes worse than before.. it's like the history is reliving itself.. it's de ja vu.. and u scream with all ur might that u dun wanna it to happen, u dun wanna go thru it again.. but it doesn't work. it nv does. u sit thru it, the tears, the fears.. and finally when u cannot contain it within urself anymore, u find ways to release that desperation. some ppl turn to frens, some ppl turn to suicide. some both. the rest.. they think abt it.. too cowardly to do anything, too tired to want anything. and then they go thru the whole process again.

if i cud be a time-traveller, i wud go back to 2003.. and tell myself not to fall in love. cuz u wun kno how to get up and there will b no one to help you. falling in love is the dumbest thing humans ever did. a few moments of happiness is not worth an eternity of tears.

for the 1st time in my life, i dun think love realli exists. no matter how much i want to beileve in it.