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♫ Stuff In My Head ♫

Monday, July 30, 2007

another weekend's gone by. :)

very proud of myself. i did not call/sms him the whole week. been realli hard, but very proud of my achievement so far. :D

and this weekend, i am gg to HK!!!!!

before i get started on how excited i am, recap of how i spent the weekend tt jus passed. surprisingly peaceful.

friday night, i had dinner at my beloved aunt's. after tt, we watched our 溏心风暴 tgt. 王宗泽 is so hot. :p my aunt likes 林峰, so we each had our own eye-candies. hahah. (btw, my aunt is not old, she is only mid-30s!) oh we also had a small dose of 美女厨房.. too hilarious to not watch! not to mention 方力申 is so cute. hahah. my aunt does not like him tho. :p i forced her to agree tt he is cute. hahah.

saturday, i met up with my poly mates, jocelyn and fay. we sang K, had lunch, watched movie (captivity - very very gross). pretty much a very aimless and easy day. went home abt 10pm and watch my 溏心风暴 until 2am.

sunday, er.. watched my 溏心风暴 from 2pm to 11pm. hahah.. marathon!!! i'm trying to finish it before i leave for HK! cuz when i get back, i might forget most of wat i watched!!

so u see, it was a realli peaceful weekend, the most disturbing thing, being the movie. not for the weak-hearted. the thot of it now, still makes me feel like puking. but the story.. mm.. nothing fantastic too. oh well, jus one of those days, we had to watch a movie and picked one randomly. :p

when i was in town on saturday, i went into HMV and picked up 2 CDs. dun laugh, but, one of them was Hanson. i'm sorry but i just had to! my childhood idols! in fact as i am typing this, i am listening to it right now. THEY STILL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME. not literally their voices.. but the music style. it hasn't changed.. and i am starting to get a bit bored. taylor's "woah-oh" is still ringing in every song. haha. very very funny now tt i listen to it. it's weird but i think i jus had to buy it, for old time's sake. HAHA.

the other album i bought was 张震岳's "OK". haven't listened to it, but i think i'm gonna like it. alwaes liked him. but he alwaes takes so damn long to come out with one album. i hope it's worth the wait!

this week is gonna b a very very exciting week!!! 1st of all, my boss won't be in from mon to thur.. so no government for almost the entire week! and then, there is a HK colleague in the office this week.. who is William's colleague too.. :) he was also at the conference in BKK so he knows abt all the stuff happened in BKK. in fact, he was one of William's entourage. :p and then.. this sat i am gg to HK! hahaha. i think tt is the thing tt is making me excited la. keke. i jus hope i wun haf serious withdrawal symptoms when i get back!

sorry but this post is a bit random.. too bored in office la. hahahah. maybe one more random post after lunch. 张震岳's "OK" album review! :p

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

kelleia is going to hongkong, finally!

very weird. think i have been too caught up with my sob sob episode for the past weeks.. it didn't sink in that i wud be leaving for HK in 10 days!!! Thanks to .J who made an unconscious reminder to me last night. very funny leh, suddenly very excited!!! (as if i didn't kno i was gg before! haha!)

i think this is the best decision i made on impulse ever. (the 2nd being buying my SGD550 Gucci wallet!) concidentally, my tickets to HK cost the same amt!! wa lao, i am super happy with my "buys"!

few weeks ago after i had booked my tickets for HK, i started to regret.. shud i realli be gg to HK at this point?? jus after breaking up? shud i hang ard.. and u kno.. in case he calls and wants to meet up?? now i kno tt is not gonna happen anytime soon and this HK trip can't be more timely. and hello, it's HK!! the place i have been dying to go, the place with all the ppl i think are the coolest asians, and not forgetting, the chances of bumping in those hot hot hot HK celebs. OMG, i realli can't believe i am gg HK nex week!!!

aiyo, i sound so teeny boppy leh. but i can't help it la, i grew up watching those TVB dramas, my parents raised us up with canto pop music by alan tam and jacky cheung, the HK pop culture is my blood la. long before the aunties started "chasing" those korean dramas into the late nights, my mom and i were oredi "chasers" of all those TVB dramas by Adam Cheng, Leon Lai, Cheung Chilam and Ekin Cheng! and those days were when i was in primary school!! yes, i wud stay up late with my mom to catch the dramas on rented tapes. TAPES leh! hahah. super retro, can. unfortunately, i was a leon lai fan back then. *omg* i haf all his albums on tapes!!! wa, so nostalgic!

but of cuz, seeing celebs is not the only thing abt gg to HK, i also wanna go to Disneyland and Ocean Park! I dun care that Disneyland is gonna b flooded with china ppl, i have nv been to a single Disneyland in my life!! haf to go, haf to go. And Ocean Park is jus this place I have to go in HK. I've heard about this "Hoi Yeung Gong Yun" for the longest time, and all the TVB dramas alwaes go there also. hahah. So i haf to go also la!

And then, i also haf to meet up with William. the local HK guy who can take me to all the local local places, and not those touristy places. he has already drawn up an itinerary for my time there. super sweet. :)

and then.. desmond. haven't decided whether i will meet him. he does not seem to be coming clean with me on a lot of things.. and when i told him i was gg to HK, he didn't seem very keen abt meeting up. other than mentioning tt the same weekend is his brithday weekend, so i can join him to celebrate. but realli, i feel like he is feeling obliged to invite me.. so i haven't realli decided if i shud contact him when i am there. furthermore, i jus got wind yesterday that he's gotten real close to cheryl (this girl who does not kno me well, but does not like me oredi) lately and tt is definitely a warning sign for me to keep away from him. maybe jus for the sake of our "friendship", i'll call him. but it realli depends. :/

so i am gonna take so many pictures, i tell u! will be sure to post some of the best ones up here. the one with Mickey, definitely. :p

i realli can't wait for 10 more days to pass. maybe this weekend will be a happier one. :)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

i kno my previous post sounded realli positive and hopeful. but i think i judged too soon. *sigh* i nv change, do i?

i left my handphone at home yesterday when i left for work. so it was a handphone-less day for me. when i got home, i saw that i had 2 missed calls and 3 messages. a bit sad right, only 3 msgs and 2 missed calls in almost 12 hours. no one wud kno if i had died at home.

so anywaes, the missed calls were from Tony. I swear, he is such a sweet guy. if he had chased me, i wud haf definitely fallen for him. unfortunately, even tho i am single now, i wud not fall for him. he is LC's fren. No-go.

then i went to check my messages, one from Tony, obviously, to check on how i am after the talk with LC. one from mommy, asking if i were coming home for dinner. one from LC. OMG. LEE CHAO. i was hoping for one, yes. probably along the line of "wanna meet for lunch?" but no, it was a very disheartening and disappointing sms.

"Thanks for coming down yesterday! I know u still care! Just wanted to explain why I couldn't make a decision yesterday. Our wounds are still very raw, impulse decisions would be made, promises committed are not real or beneficial to both of us, cuz a decision was made with the heart, not rationally. Hope understand, y some time is needed for both of us to think things through!"

i cried immediately upon reading his sms. all those things i said tt night. he thinks they are not real. GOD. they are from the bottom of my broken heart, literally. and since when has love ever been a rational thing? if u can think abt it rationally, then i think u do not haf feelings for the person. is he waiting for the day when he can think abt us "rationally" to tell me it's over? i will realli go mad if tt is the case.

also, i think he does not kno if he actually wants to be with me. for me, it's so simple. i love him. so i am willing to go the extra mile to make things work. but him? no.. he does not kno if he is willing to do tt.. he does not kno if i am the one still.

but if u read it in another way, at least he sms-ed to explain himself, why he cud not give me an answer on the spot.

either way, i am so hurt. this hurts more than not knowing wat is on his mind. ignorance is bliss. but i realli dunno if i do wanna kno or i dun wanna kno at all.

actually, all i wanna kno is does he wanna try again. simple as that. and right now, my gut feeling is telling me, no he does not want to. otherwise, wat can explain wat is taking him so long to think abt? HE IS CONVINCING HIMSELF, THAT HE DOES NOT NEED ME.

i want to jus walk away, away from him, and towards my new life. but i keep looking back, keep looking back to see how far behind he is.. i jus can't let go.. yet..

he sms-ed me this afternoon, to tell me the amt of my credit card bill. GOD. i can't believe the only thing he wud sms me now at this point of time, is my credit card bill. it is this practical side of him tt i hate. everything is abt money money money.

actually, the hating-him part after a break-up is starting to fall into place now. i hate him for being so wishy-washy abt us. i hate him for not giving a damn abt me after we broke up. i hate him for not answering my calls and sms-es. sigh i am so tired of listing things abt him all the time.

i haf to quickly get back into shape. i am due for my HK trip in 11 days!! haf shopping to do, and guys to see. :p

i realli need all the strength i can summon, i dun wanna b stuck in my crying fits and emo-momo self.


Monday, July 23, 2007

i finally met him yday. or shud i say, he finally met me yday. i felt so guilty, i cudn't look him in the eye when i spoke to him for the 1st 5 minutes. but i cannot describe how happy i was to see him, even tho there were more tears than smiles on my face during the one hour talk.

the talk went better than i had expected, even tho it did not end the way i wanted it. there was a stark difference in the last time we spoke and how we spoke last night. we were very careful with our words and even intonations. he was extremely attentive, and very encouraging. he still spoke the same way he alwaes did, but there were a certain tinge of gentleness in his voice.

at the end of the conversation, he still asked for more time to think abt it. i was disappointed, but not too dejected. cuz i cud sense a lot of hope during the whole conversation. before i left, i told him tt i missed him a lot. and he also replied with the same words. i felt more than contented to hear tt.

still i walked away in tears. the hug i imagined myself giving him, did not happen. the hurt was still written on his face, and also on mine. i thot it was a bit too soon to have tt warm embrace. even tho.. i had realli wanted to reach out and touch him so many times during the talk.

so now we wait. it's funny but i feel like i've jus gone for an interview and am now waiting for THE phone call. but if u ask me, i think the "interview" went realli well.

i dunno whether nat will read this.. but if u do, pls dun be mad at me.. i didn't mean to lie to you abt where i had gone last night.. i kno u wud not haf allowed me to go if u knew.. but i hope u can understand tt i realli think it had been my fault this time. he is not as bad as i haf told u.. u kno i am an extremist and i exaggerate more often than not. he is realli good to me when i look at the big picture.. i want to give it one last shot this time.. i hope u will happy for me.

if i dun blog for a long time to come.. i hope it is cuz i am too busy patching things up with him.. and not vice versa.. i realli hope i can do it this time.

have a little faith in me, everyone.

Friday, July 20, 2007

a whole new world!

it's weird. i feel awfully fine these days.. think i gotta thank him for that. he's ignored me so much that i am beginning to get used to sms-ing my messages to space (cuz he doesn't reply them) and calling a number just to hear it ring forever (cuz he nv picks up). i used to get realli hurt that he wud not reply my sms-es nor answer my calls.. but the last time i msged him, i expected a non-reply.. (which i did, of cuz) and from tt day on, i seem to haf recovered from my crying fits and warped mentality that seemed only capable to be thinking of him.

maybe this was his aim, to ignore me so i wud give up. congratulations to him, it worked. i jus hope he is happy abt this, and not miserable abt it inside. after putting me thru all this pain, one of us had better feel good abt it, and it certainly isn't me.

however, i wun say i haf gotten over it completely. it's been less than a month, and i am not wonder woman. but i have been feeling better these couple of days. when i think of him, i tell myself, this is normal, i jus gotta give myself time to get used to not having him in my head. no need to cry over it, right? when i see things tt remind me of him, i tell myself, tt's normal, after all i did every freaking thing with him! very hard to find something tt wud not remind me of him. plus, i'm probably reminded only cuz my mind is willing it.. given time, i'll be fine. when i feel lonely, i think abt all those times i didn't haf my own space.. and now tt i do.. i shud realli appreciate it while it lasts. who knows if we get back tgt the next day, i will be back in that shithole where i haf no space, literally, for myself at all. lastly, when i feel like i realli want someone to love me, i think of william, he is such a sweetheart. i wud imagine in my mind, all the rendezvous-ing tt we can do when i go to HK in Aug. :p and.. of cuz.. the ultimate attraction in HK.. has got to be Des!!! :p after all, wat is being single without flirting??

i kno i sound like i haf totally gotten over him. tt, of cuz, is not true. back of my head, i still think abt getting back with him, still check my phone if i haf messages/missed calls from him, still hope tt he will get in touch with me.. but truth is, i haf oredi tried my best.. the rest is up to him.. wat's left are things i cannot will to happen. so i'm jus trying to hide this part of my emotions underneath my big wide smile. maybe we will get back, maybe we will not. i realli dun wanna think abt it for now.. jus wanna take and enjoy each day as it comes.

the best way to get over a r'ship quickly, is to start a new one. but well, i wanna make sure i realli like tt person.. and that it is not a rebound.. plus only when i haf truly gotten over him, will i look into starting a new relationship. so i am treading my ground very very carefully. :)

so come join me, and celebrate my new found freedom. and possibly, a whole new life ahead.

Monday, July 16, 2007


Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

July 16, 2007

i haf nv felt so miserable before. but this time it realli isn's anybody's fault but my own. i realli dunno why i did tt.. but only after i did, did i manage to see wat i reali want, and wat i need to do. but am i gonna get tt chance, to prove tt i am willing to make it work? after all the mistakes i haf made?

there are so many signs telling me, tt i haf lost all chances. and i reali dun blame him, i've hurt him so bad. done all the wrong things, said all the wrong things. he has lost all trust in me, even if i swear to change, he wud think twice abt believing me.

i miss him so much, my heart is realli bleeding. for the 1st time, i realli feel like this is the end.. and i am the one who caused it. in a way, i feel like i dun deserve any pity from anyone. i feel bad tt his frens are all trying to make it work for me.. i realli feel like telling them.. tt i am not worth helping.. i can't even forgive myself for wat i haf done, how can i expect him to forgive me.

there are so many things i wish i cud tell him, even if he has nothing to say to me, i wish he wud jus listen, and give me one more chance, but i reali feel that it is not going to happen. he has given up on me. he wud rather be upset and hurt, than sms me, call me or see me. he is slowly letting go, and making me give up too. i cannot describe to anyone how this feels. the person i haf planned my life with, all the things i do and say remind myself of him. the words i say, the way i think, everything. i wake up in the middle of night crying, not being able to get back to sleep. i realli need him so much.. so so much.. but he doesn't want me anymore. i jus dunno how to move on.

i now kno, the things i am willing to do and sacrifice, in order to be with him. i realli can't live without him. i am such a total mess now. his frens talk to me, tell me to be strong, give him time and space.. but all i can do, is cry. how can love hurt so much? if u love somebody, why wud u make each other hurt like tt?

i go to sleep every night, with only one thing in my mind.. how glad i am that one more day has passed.. and once i open my eyes the nex day, it will be a brand new day. but the very same night, i will b awakened by dreams.. and memories.. and my tears.. the night.. is so haunting.. the darkness in the room.. makes me afraid of being on my own.. i wish he was next to me.. his hand holding mine as we slept. i hold on to my sheets, the ones without his familiar smell. i wipe my tears with them. i close my eyes and force myself to sleep.. comforting myself tt he might call tmr.. and if i'm lucky, i might actually get to see him. that i am living each day closer to tt very day.. when i will eventually get to see him.

last night, i did such a silly thing. i took a cab down to his place.. hoping to explain things to him.. but his frens told me they were out playing b-ball.. so i turned the cab around to where they were.. and told his fren i was on my way. his fren told him i was coming and he flared up. he realil did not want to see me. he even said vulgarities at his fren. he hated to see see me tt much.. i turned the taxi back around to his place.. and sat there from 10pm to 2am. i went downstairs to his carpark.. and saw his motorbike parked there. he had gone out in his sister's car. and i was so glad to see xiaoma.. the bike tt took us to all our dinners, movies, beach walks.. everything. i saw his jacket hanging from his bike, i reached out to touch it.. i missed him so much. i want so much to ride on tt bike with him again. so so much. i went back upstairs to the ground floor to wait for him. when his fren called to ask em where i was, i told him i was at his place.. he told me to go home.. said he was not ready to talk to me.. and if he saw me there, he wud flare up at me.. but i realli realli wanted to talk to him.. i dunno if it was more that i wanted to talk to him.. or tt i realli missed him and wanted to see him. i reali dunno.. i jus.. reali miss him so much. but when i sat there till 2am, i told myself, wat is the point of forcing him to talk to me when he clearly does not want to.. i dun want things to get worse.. i shud give him his time and space.. after i haf no more right to ask for anything from him, not even his time. so i headed for home.

when i was there for the 4 horus, i had to hide from his mom, his bro and sis. the bro came down 1st to walk the dog. when i saw him coming down, i scrambled to hide behind a wall. after tt i saw his sister coming home.. i scarmbled to hide behind another wall. later tt night, sapphi saw me downstairs.. and started to bark. his mom, who was at home, thot she needed to pee again, so she brought her down. i quickly went to hide behind a wall.. but sapphi cud smell i was ard.. so she came dashing in my direction. i ran and almost kicked her. i ran into some bushes, and squattted down, hiding. sapphi came sniffing, with his mom close behind. i cud not think wat wud happen if his mom saw me.. wat wud i say? wat was i doing here behind the bushes? i do not kno.. i realli prayed tt sapphi wud not find me.. she didn't. when they went back upstairs, i came out of the bushes.. and cried. why was i in such a mess? i realli dunno wat else i was capable of doing, jus to get him bac. the more i thot abt him, the more i felt sorry, the more i thot i shud not force him, so i left.. i had wanted to leave a note on his bike.. but i took it back before i left.. he wud not be happy to kno i came to his place and waited for him.. leaving him a note in the end..

i am realli feeling so hopeless now.. i kno it is probably gonna b as bad i haf thot.. but i still harbour some thots of him coming back to me.. i realli pray and hope tt it will happen..

i think i need more than luck and miracle this time. maybe a voodoo doll. let's hope i wun haf to go there.

Friday, July 06, 2007

l o s t . . . .. .. . .....

how did all that happen so quickly?

i rem meeting him for the 1st time at jos's plc during CNY..
i rem dashing across the road from Somerset MRT to Peranakan Place with him behind me, watching out for the cars.. almost thot he wud hold my hand..
i rem sitting on changi beach with his frens, when he reached out to hold me..
i rem sitting in his room, trying to study for my exams but not being able to concentrate feeling his glances on me..
i rem sneaking up on him while he was still sleeping.. tt innocent, happy look on his face..
i rem his baby blur tee-shirt, the one tt smells of his bath soap..
i rem him stroking my hair while watching tv..
i rem him giggling in my ears at st. james..
i rem him hugging me so tight when i am sleeping that i woke up..
i rem him whispering "i love you" into my ears when i am sleeping, thinking i didn't hear them..
i rem him buying me an iPod and hiding it in the fridge..
i rem quarelling about the iPod cuz it was so expensive and he did not want to buy it for me..
i rem him lying to me abt not telling his mom anything abt us..
i rem him working so hard every other weekend that he neglected me..
i rem him gg out for his fren's wedding dinner and getting home dead drunk..
i rem him saying the meanest things to me when we argued..
i rem him ignoring my pleas and cries to talk to me..
i rem him taking off for holidays on his own with his colleagues, and not taking me along..
i rem him getting angry over me getting angry..
i rem him telling his mother almost everything tt goes on his life.. and not me..
i rem him watching soccer every other weekend night and not spending quality time with me..
i rem him playing soccer every sunday morning, falling asleep after he came home and not spending any time with me on sundays..
i rem begging him to talk to me when he refused to..
i rem waiting for him downstairs his office, but he refused to see me..
i remember feeling so hurt that he would leave me in such a sad state and not care and my feelings..
i rem him getting upset over a misunderstanding and not allowing me to explain..
i remember struggling with the thot to break up with him..
i rem seeing him after we broke up, that relieved look on his face..

i rem how much i loved him.. and how much he loved me..

i rem telling myself not to think back on all these and move forward..

cuz they are nv coming back.. those feelings, emotions.. and him..

4 years and 25 days of my life.. just disappeared.. gone..