Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?

I feel like I have a lot of things I want to write about. But every time I try, I get stuck.

Ok let's take one step at a time. Let's just start with what I am thinking about now.

So everyone knows I have been ttc (trying to conceive) for the longest time. After 2 miscarriages and 6 months of abstinence later (advised by my TCM doctor), we were finally back on track a month ago. So I count my days, wait for the signals from my body, do what mother nature wants us to do and BAM! I think i am pregnant. I woke up one day feeling very light-headed and nauseous. Hmmm, feels like the same as the last 2 times. I am pretty sure.

I go through another 2 weeks feeling all the pregnancy signals from my body telling me everyday I am closer to my dream of becoming a mother.

This week would have been 5 weeks. Would have.

I went to my gynae yesterday cuz I was feeling kinda crampy on one side. Cramps during early pregnancy is either very good or very bad. Good if it was just your uterus stretching to make room for the impending baby. Bad if the baby is being rejected by your body. It could mean an upcoming miscarriage.

So instead of torturing myself to death with my thoughts, I decide to just go and have it checked. It is normally too early to go the gynae with a pregnancy that is less than 6 weeks old. But I do it anyway, just to have a peace of mind.

So the gynae does a pee stick test for me and declares I am not pregnant. I cry. We pay the consultation fee. We leave. I cry some more.

Yes that is exactly what has been on my mind for the last 24 hours. "How could it be?" I keep thinking. And every time I reply the scene in my head, the one where the doctor tells me, "You are not pregnant", I tear a bit more and my heart breaks a bit more.

I am still feeling dizzy and nauseous today and my period still has not come. I think my body is all screwed with all the pressure I am putting on myself. I want to chill. Go with the flow. Let nature take its course. But it's so hard. Cuz I want it so badly. I am in misery.

What I hate most is I can only try again the next month. Once a month. 12 times a year. If I had it my way, I would be trying every fucking day, literally. The suspense just about kills me every time. I lose my sleep, cancel dates with everyone (in case i am really pregnant, I should not be going out all the time), watch what I eat, wear flats, talk softly, walk gently, stay happy, it goes on really. It's in my every thought. How to chill like that? I really dunno.

This TTC phase is taking over me, taking over my life. I want to come to terms that I may very well be childless in this lifetime and get over it so that i can finally live my wonderful life. But I dunno how to do that.

Maybe I am wanting too much, that's why I can't accept the reality of life. That I cannot get what I want, despite already having so much.

Why issit that so much goodness in my life cannot compensate for this one thing that I want and cannot have? Why oh why when I think about babies, it gets me completely down? I feel defeated and hopeless. And I hate feeling that way. It's not me.

These days I have to constantly remind myself that life is not all about having children. There are so many other things happening out there in the world. Who the hell has the time to care about you not being able to have a child?

It's another round of waiting for the next 30 days to pass quickly before I can get a shot at pregnancy again. Maybe I will grow immune to the disappointment some day.

It sounds like a good thing, but then, it sounds like a bad thing.

I am going to end abruptly now. I am sorry for being so whiny. But thank you for reading. Thank you. xxx