Confessions of a Control Freak

There has been a series of events happening around me lately that made me realise how scared of death I am. I don't know if I am scared of death itself or the fact that I would be caught unprepared and not be able to tell my loved ones my last words. I have a strong feeling it is more of the latter.

So I've hesitated and struggled for a few days, wondering how I should ensure that would not happen. That even if I died tomorrow, I would go with a peace of mind, knowing my loved ones would know how I felt.

I thought I would write a letter, and hide it somewhere. when I die and the husband clears my stuff, he should find them. BUT. What if he doesn't? Or what if he dumps everything w/o even looking? Or worse, what if he chances upon them accidentally when I am still alive? He would think I have some terminal illness and am not telling him.

So this option is out.

Then I thought, I could write the goodbye letters, and hand it over to someone I trust for safekeeping. In this case, I thought of my best friend. Whom I completely trust and she would understand why I would do this, being the control freak I am who loves it when things go according to plan. She could be there to hand out all these letters for me when I am gone. That would be perfect. In fact, I would not even seal them so that she knows she is welcomed to read them, that I have complete trust in her. BUT. What if her house burned down? Or if she misplaced it? Or worse, what if she dies before me? (CHOY!) That would be horrible.

So this option is out too.

And then I thought, you know, things online never disappear.. they are always archived somewhere.. if you wanted it, it would only take a snap of a finger to pull it out.

But I couldn't possibly type them an email cuz there would be no one to send it for me when I passed. I also can't time it to be sent cuz, well I dunno when that might be.

So you know what, it turned out it might be best for me to write it here, cuz I have friends who read my blog from time to time.. and if they read such a thing here, it would be highly unlikely (I hope) they would not forget it and when the time comes, I am sure they will direct my loved ones here to see what I wrote. PERFECT.

And so that is exactly what I am going to do. If you see a post one of these days that resemble a suicide note, pls do not panic... I am just writing for a rainy day. :)

I am a control freak like that! *shrugs shoulders*