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♫ Stuff In My Head ♫

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Feel the same.

Closure does nothing for me sometimes. I still feel the same.

I wasn't.

Disconnect to Recollect

I am getting tired of the over-exposure of everyone's life on social networks. Who is to blame? Those demanding it or those supplying it? Whatever happened to invasion of privacy?

I have been feeling this way for a few months now, hence, I have stopped logging on to Twitter and updating less on Facebook, other than photos here and there, I mostly keep quiet in the cyber world.

I still prefer to bare my soul in places like this, where I can select who I want to read my blog. Yes, I can limit the friends who see my FB updates but I am starting to resent social platforms where ppl post their entire lives on it, so I try not to do the same there at FB.

I am caught in a dilemma whenever I want to say something on FB. I think, am I sharing something with my friends, or do I just want my views and opinions to be heard? Do ppl need to hear it? What would my colleagues think of me if they saw this? Does this sound socially correct?

These days I end up not saying anything anymore.

My question is, in not allowing myself to be heard, am I losing myself? Will I lose my thoughts like how I lost my voice in the cyber world?

We live in a society where privacy is a blurred line, really. I don't need to know who stood next to you in the bus today, I also don't need to know what your child's 1st word is. A moment in the bus with a stranger, it could be a special moment, or it could be a torturous one. A child's 1st words, it could be an unforgettable experience, but it could be a painful subject for someone else.

Has everyone become so socially inconsiderate? Is sharing your intimate moments with the world a way of invading someone else's privacy?

It is truly amazing how much one can know about another through their FB page. It redefines a new group of people who are more judgemental, more critical, based on only what they see on FB. (That's a story for another day.)

"Yea she is damn materialistic, in all her pictures she is decked in branded head to toe."

"Her skin must be very bad cuz' her make-up so heavy."

"Maybe she divorced already, her pictures never see her husband one."

I will admit I am one of those who have made a few judgemental statements or 2 based on someone's FB page. And that is exactly what I am trying to change about myself. And in trying to change, I have to disconnect myself from the cyber world and actually try to know the person in person or at least try not to judge.

Our society is such, in order to stay abreast of the issues that matter, you have to stay connected in the cyber world, talk to people who have the same interests and make a stand for what you believe in. Be heard, in other words. And the way the world is so connected now, kind of disconnects some people in a way.

Those people who are contented just for themselves to know what they stand for, what they believe in. Those people who do not need to seek approval of the majority to feel secure. Those people who understand what the world is going through right now and do not feel the need help others understand. They are disconnected. Not a trace of them in the cyber world. You can't hear them, but they are there. And I choose to believe that this is by choice, and not by chance.

Right now, I am in a very awkward place. I am still trying to find my voice in the cyber world. But through this journey of searching, I feel very connected to myself and my inner voice.

So I haven't lost my voice, it is just not wanting to be heard by the world right now.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?

I feel like I have a lot of things I want to write about. But every time I try, I get stuck.

Ok let's take one step at a time. Let's just start with what I am thinking about now.

So everyone knows I have been ttc (trying to conceive) for the longest time. After 2 miscarriages and 6 months of abstinence later (advised by my TCM doctor), we were finally back on track a month ago. So I count my days, wait for the signals from my body, do what mother nature wants us to do and BAM! I think i am pregnant. I woke up one day feeling very light-headed and nauseous. Hmmm, feels like the same as the last 2 times. I am pretty sure.

I go through another 2 weeks feeling all the pregnancy signals from my body telling me everyday I am closer to my dream of becoming a mother.

This week would have been 5 weeks. Would have.

I went to my gynae yesterday cuz I was feeling kinda crampy on one side. Cramps during early pregnancy is either very good or very bad. Good if it was just your uterus stretching to make room for the impending baby. Bad if the baby is being rejected by your body. It could mean an upcoming miscarriage.

So instead of torturing myself to death with my thoughts, I decide to just go and have it checked. It is normally too early to go the gynae with a pregnancy that is less than 6 weeks old. But I do it anyway, just to have a peace of mind.

So the gynae does a pee stick test for me and declares I am not pregnant. I cry. We pay the consultation fee. We leave. I cry some more.

Yes that is exactly what has been on my mind for the last 24 hours. "How could it be?" I keep thinking. And every time I reply the scene in my head, the one where the doctor tells me, "You are not pregnant", I tear a bit more and my heart breaks a bit more.

I am still feeling dizzy and nauseous today and my period still has not come. I think my body is all screwed with all the pressure I am putting on myself. I want to chill. Go with the flow. Let nature take its course. But it's so hard. Cuz I want it so badly. I am in misery.

What I hate most is I can only try again the next month. Once a month. 12 times a year. If I had it my way, I would be trying every fucking day, literally. The suspense just about kills me every time. I lose my sleep, cancel dates with everyone (in case i am really pregnant, I should not be going out all the time), watch what I eat, wear flats, talk softly, walk gently, stay happy, it goes on really. It's in my every thought. How to chill like that? I really dunno.

This TTC phase is taking over me, taking over my life. I want to come to terms that I may very well be childless in this lifetime and get over it so that i can finally live my wonderful life. But I dunno how to do that.

Maybe I am wanting too much, that's why I can't accept the reality of life. That I cannot get what I want, despite already having so much.

Why issit that so much goodness in my life cannot compensate for this one thing that I want and cannot have? Why oh why when I think about babies, it gets me completely down? I feel defeated and hopeless. And I hate feeling that way. It's not me.

These days I have to constantly remind myself that life is not all about having children. There are so many other things happening out there in the world. Who the hell has the time to care about you not being able to have a child?

It's another round of waiting for the next 30 days to pass quickly before I can get a shot at pregnancy again. Maybe I will grow immune to the disappointment some day.

It sounds like a good thing, but then, it sounds like a bad thing.

I am going to end abruptly now. I am sorry for being so whiny. But thank you for reading. Thank you. xxx

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Singapore, it's over to you. (From Yahoo! Singapore, 6 May 2011)

In less than 48 hours, slightly over 2.3 million of you will begin casting your vote at ballot boxes across Singapore.

For many, me included, it will be our first walk to the ballot box, and for that we must be thankful. It has not always been so.

In 2006, slightly over half of Singapore got to vote. In 2001, it was even less than that. We have to go back to 1972 when a majority 87 per cent of parliamentary seats were contested. This time, it's over 94 per cent.

Come Saturday, you have the ability to chart the country's destiny for the next five years and beyond. My sincere hope is that you do not take this lightly.

I am hopeful because over the last week, I have witnessed active citizenry at its best. At each of the four rallies I have been to in the past week, I was heartened to see Singaporeans from all walks of life show up in the thousands and, for some rallies, tens of thousands.

There is something gratifying about seeing your fellow citizens -- Chinese, Malays, Indians and Eurasians of all ages, of all backgrounds -- coming to attend these rallies in their own time, of their own free will. Some come alone, some with friends, many with families.

But all come because of one thing: You care.

It is no small sacrifice. Some skip dinners and go on hungry stomachs to hear what the candidates have to say. Others travel across the island, spending precious time and money just to listen. Snarling jams, pouring rain and muddy fields didn't deter you and, for that, I salute you.

In the last few days, many concerned citizens have also taken to cyberspace to pen their innermost thoughts. Their appeals are insightful and heart-wrenching to read. Elections talk has also dominated coffeeshops and conversations across the island and I cannot help but smile when I overhear such heated, fervent discussion of national issues.

This is what it means to be Singaporean. This is what it means to take a stake in your country.

I am most heartened to see the Gen-Y generation, who some have called apathetic, attend the rallies in great numbers. I have received many emails from this group, telling me they have gone out of their way to educate themselves about what the respective parties stand for ahead of Saturday's decision day. They are our future and, guess what, they care too.

At this important point in Singapore's fledgling nationhood, it gives me great comfort and a deep sense of pride to know we are all together in this. To know that regardless of events around the world, come Saturday, we have the choice to decide our own fate -- a future for Singapore, by Singaporeans.

Whether it will truly be a watershed moment come the early hours of Sunday, I cannot tell. But whatever the results, I am already gratified because I know you care. Come what may on 7 May, let us not forget to come together as one, regardless of which box you crossed.

I will end by saying that over the last few weeks, but especially in the last nine days, I humbly hope you'll agree my team has delivered, bringing you reports from the rallies of all the parties involved. We have done our best to bring you their ideas and platforms and what they represent.

As the intense war of words of the hustings campaign die down and Cooling Off Day kicks in, it is now time for you to calm your minds, cool your hearts and consult with friends and family.

But most of all, you must consult yourself. Decide what is best for you. And decide you must because it is your chance to say, I made a choice.

Your vote is your own and it is indeed secret.

It is up to you now.

It is your time, your vote.

This article is published by Yahoo! Southeast Asia Pte. Ltd., 60 Anson Road #13-01 Mapletree Anson, Singapore, 079914.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Is PAP finally feeling the heat?

It is nice to know that PM Lee is making an effort to break away from MM Lee. I think it is high time for PM Lee to start having his own mind.

And I am so glad there is finally someone from PAP speaking from their heart, not from their mouth. Or at least it seems that way to me.

I am slightly wavered in my decision but am not entirely won over.

The most hated person from PAP for me right now is SM Goh. Seriously, he should shut his trap and let the youngsters do their job. I am very proud of how NSP has handled SM Goh's smirk remarks.

I may not agree with some of the policies made by PAP but I do appreciate everything that PAP has done for Singapore so far.

Things can't get to a greater height if things don't change. And all I want is for the government, OUR government to listen to us sometimes. Listen to our worries, our woes. This is our home and we want to be happy here.

I am looking forward to better communications from the PAP.

Competition is good sometimes, most times. Let's hope PAP realizes that this time around.