kellykylie

starting to feel like i dun belong in this world.. i shud b somewhere else.. where i can b who i realli am.. not be hurt.. and not be capable of loving. cuz i realli am not able to anymore.

the better i understand love, the more confused i am. is love not abt giving? is it not abt forgiving? why issit that now tt i undertand these.. i am not given the privilege anymore? am i realli that rotten? or has my past caught up with me? suddenly, i feel like i understand wat ex-jailbirds go thru.. even tho they are willing to change, no one is willing to give them a chance or even risk it.

many times i secretly wish i cud go back to the time when i was alone and happy.. when i was alwaes happy to be single.. nv thot i needed anyone. but humans being humans, once we haf something, we will not be contented to go back to wat we were before.. no matter how hard i try to convince myself i will b fine alone.. my heart refuses to believe my brain.

it's weird how u allow the same person to hurt u over and over again, in the same manner. and u think the nex time it happens, u'd b prepared. but no. it becomes worse than before.. it's like the history is reliving itself.. it's de ja vu.. and u scream with all ur might that u dun wanna it to happen, u dun wanna go thru it again.. but it doesn't work. it nv does. u sit thru it, the tears, the fears.. and finally when u cannot contain it within urself anymore, u find ways to release that desperation. some ppl turn to frens, some ppl turn to suicide. some both. the rest.. they think abt it.. too cowardly to do anything, too tired to want anything. and then they go thru the whole process again.

if i cud be a time-traveller, i wud go back to 2003.. and tell myself not to fall in love. cuz u wun kno how to get up and there will b no one to help you. falling in love is the dumbest thing humans ever did. a few moments of happiness is not worth an eternity of tears.

for the 1st time in my life, i dun think love realli exists. no matter how much i want to beileve in it.