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♫ Stuff In My Head ♫

Monday, April 27, 2009

Your past will always catch up to you.

i had the most uncomfortable ride on the train this morning - i saw my ex-neighbour (Adam) who used to be a very close childhood playmate of mine and my sister's for many years during our primary school time.

thing is, under normal circumstances, i might be pretty glad to see him, catch up a bit for old time's sake etc. but well, this is not under normal circumstances given my mom, sis, bro and me moved out of my parents' marital home overnight (literally) and nv gave anyone any explanation as to what happened and why we did it.

so it was like one day, one of our neighbour probably came knocking on our door, looking for my mom and wanting to ask her why she hasn't been answering calls etc, and to keep up with their weekly routine of catching up on town gossips.. and it was then that she realised that we have all abandoned my dad and left. just like that. we've all changed our numbers so no one could contact us unless we contacted them.

and the news spread like fire across our neighbourhood.

and so this was how we lost contact with all our friendly neighbours and childhood friends. i've been staying in that neighbourhood since I was 5 and when I left, I was 21. it was like leaving my whole life behind me and walking into uncertainty.

a lot of ppl ask me now why we had to cut off contact with everyone. truth is.. it was my mom who wanted to do that, not us. call it karma or watever, i guess she knew she wud now be the topic of town gossip.. and for a long time too.. so i guess she didn't want to contribute to the gossips any longer.

on the other hand.. it cud also be because none of us really wanted to talk abt what happened and why we did what we did. from the outside, it looks ilke we all abandoned our dad, but only the 4 of us know what truly happened. (which i honestly believe none of us likes to talk abt it much these days.)

anywae, all of that is over.

so back to my train ride this morning. Adam and i were next to each other, separated by only one person between us. u can now understand why it was so uncomfortable for me. i could not talk to Adam, cuz I wudn't know where to begin and I certainly did not want to entertain his questions. so all i could do was hide behind my fan of hair and pretend i didn't see him. the train was too packed for me to move anywhere so i cud only remain standing where i was discreetly and being very aware of myself. it was realli embarrassing. i swear the guy who was sitting down facing me stared at me like i was some psycho with my hair covering 3/4 of my face, peeping up at Adam from time to time - like a serial stalker.

so i kept peeping throughout my train ride until i realised that Adam probably noticed me cuz I saw him peeking over at me a few times. I lowered my fan of hair to cover whatever parts of my face left that he cud probably see. i was pretty sure i looked like a lunatic at that point.

after a few moments, i peeped at him again and he wasn't looking anymore. i decided, maybe he felt it would be awkward to have to speak to me as well, after losing contact for so many years.. so he pretended not to see me too. then i felt more at ease and swept my hair back to behind my ears, but maintained my gaze on the opposite direction so he wouldn't see the full frontal of my face.

and finally, i reached my stop and i dun think i ever felt so glad to be going to work on a Monday morning! i practically ran out of the train and all the way to my office to seek refuge.

it was realli like a double whammy for me cuz just the night before, hubby and me were driving around my old neighbourhood.. just checking out the houses cuz we were planning to buy one there. perhaps it was the rush of memories that came back to me the night before while we were cruising in the neighbourhood that kinda willed my past (Adam) to appear in front of me this morning.

i believe in stuff like that, it does happen. do not underestimate the power of a human mind.

i'm just glad it was not my father i ran into. :S