July 16, 2007

i haf nv felt so miserable before. but this time it realli isn's anybody's fault but my own. i realli dunno why i did tt.. but only after i did, did i manage to see wat i reali want, and wat i need to do. but am i gonna get tt chance, to prove tt i am willing to make it work? after all the mistakes i haf made?

there are so many signs telling me, tt i haf lost all chances. and i reali dun blame him, i've hurt him so bad. done all the wrong things, said all the wrong things. he has lost all trust in me, even if i swear to change, he wud think twice abt believing me.

i miss him so much, my heart is realli bleeding. for the 1st time, i realli feel like this is the end.. and i am the one who caused it. in a way, i feel like i dun deserve any pity from anyone. i feel bad tt his frens are all trying to make it work for me.. i realli feel like telling them.. tt i am not worth helping.. i can't even forgive myself for wat i haf done, how can i expect him to forgive me.

there are so many things i wish i cud tell him, even if he has nothing to say to me, i wish he wud jus listen, and give me one more chance, but i reali feel that it is not going to happen. he has given up on me. he wud rather be upset and hurt, than sms me, call me or see me. he is slowly letting go, and making me give up too. i cannot describe to anyone how this feels. the person i haf planned my life with, all the things i do and say remind myself of him. the words i say, the way i think, everything. i wake up in the middle of night crying, not being able to get back to sleep. i realli need him so much.. so so much.. but he doesn't want me anymore. i jus dunno how to move on.

i now kno, the things i am willing to do and sacrifice, in order to be with him. i realli can't live without him. i am such a total mess now. his frens talk to me, tell me to be strong, give him time and space.. but all i can do, is cry. how can love hurt so much? if u love somebody, why wud u make each other hurt like tt?

i go to sleep every night, with only one thing in my mind.. how glad i am that one more day has passed.. and once i open my eyes the nex day, it will be a brand new day. but the very same night, i will b awakened by dreams.. and memories.. and my tears.. the night.. is so haunting.. the darkness in the room.. makes me afraid of being on my own.. i wish he was next to me.. his hand holding mine as we slept. i hold on to my sheets, the ones without his familiar smell. i wipe my tears with them. i close my eyes and force myself to sleep.. comforting myself tt he might call tmr.. and if i'm lucky, i might actually get to see him. that i am living each day closer to tt very day.. when i will eventually get to see him.

last night, i did such a silly thing. i took a cab down to his place.. hoping to explain things to him.. but his frens told me they were out playing b-ball.. so i turned the cab around to where they were.. and told his fren i was on my way. his fren told him i was coming and he flared up. he realil did not want to see me. he even said vulgarities at his fren. he hated to see see me tt much.. i turned the taxi back around to his place.. and sat there from 10pm to 2am. i went downstairs to his carpark.. and saw his motorbike parked there. he had gone out in his sister's car. and i was so glad to see xiaoma.. the bike tt took us to all our dinners, movies, beach walks.. everything. i saw his jacket hanging from his bike, i reached out to touch it.. i missed him so much. i want so much to ride on tt bike with him again. so so much. i went back upstairs to the ground floor to wait for him. when his fren called to ask em where i was, i told him i was at his place.. he told me to go home.. said he was not ready to talk to me.. and if he saw me there, he wud flare up at me.. but i realli realli wanted to talk to him.. i dunno if it was more that i wanted to talk to him.. or tt i realli missed him and wanted to see him. i reali dunno.. i jus.. reali miss him so much. but when i sat there till 2am, i told myself, wat is the point of forcing him to talk to me when he clearly does not want to.. i dun want things to get worse.. i shud give him his time and space.. after i haf no more right to ask for anything from him, not even his time. so i headed for home.

when i was there for the 4 horus, i had to hide from his mom, his bro and sis. the bro came down 1st to walk the dog. when i saw him coming down, i scrambled to hide behind a wall. after tt i saw his sister coming home.. i scarmbled to hide behind another wall. later tt night, sapphi saw me downstairs.. and started to bark. his mom, who was at home, thot she needed to pee again, so she brought her down. i quickly went to hide behind a wall.. but sapphi cud smell i was ard.. so she came dashing in my direction. i ran and almost kicked her. i ran into some bushes, and squattted down, hiding. sapphi came sniffing, with his mom close behind. i cud not think wat wud happen if his mom saw me.. wat wud i say? wat was i doing here behind the bushes? i do not kno.. i realli prayed tt sapphi wud not find me.. she didn't. when they went back upstairs, i came out of the bushes.. and cried. why was i in such a mess? i realli dunno wat else i was capable of doing, jus to get him bac. the more i thot abt him, the more i felt sorry, the more i thot i shud not force him, so i left.. i had wanted to leave a note on his bike.. but i took it back before i left.. he wud not be happy to kno i came to his place and waited for him.. leaving him a note in the end..

i am realli feeling so hopeless now.. i kno it is probably gonna b as bad i haf thot.. but i still harbour some thots of him coming back to me.. i realli pray and hope tt it will happen..

i think i need more than luck and miracle this time. maybe a voodoo doll. let's hope i wun haf to go there.