kellykylie

i kno my previous post sounded realli positive and hopeful. but i think i judged too soon. *sigh* i nv change, do i?

i left my handphone at home yesterday when i left for work. so it was a handphone-less day for me. when i got home, i saw that i had 2 missed calls and 3 messages. a bit sad right, only 3 msgs and 2 missed calls in almost 12 hours. no one wud kno if i had died at home.

so anywaes, the missed calls were from Tony. I swear, he is such a sweet guy. if he had chased me, i wud haf definitely fallen for him. unfortunately, even tho i am single now, i wud not fall for him. he is LC's fren. No-go.

then i went to check my messages, one from Tony, obviously, to check on how i am after the talk with LC. one from mommy, asking if i were coming home for dinner. one from LC. OMG. LEE CHAO. i was hoping for one, yes. probably along the line of "wanna meet for lunch?" but no, it was a very disheartening and disappointing sms.

"Thanks for coming down yesterday! I know u still care! Just wanted to explain why I couldn't make a decision yesterday. Our wounds are still very raw, impulse decisions would be made, promises committed are not real or beneficial to both of us, cuz a decision was made with the heart, not rationally. Hope understand, y some time is needed for both of us to think things through!"

i cried immediately upon reading his sms. all those things i said tt night. he thinks they are not real. GOD. they are from the bottom of my broken heart, literally. and since when has love ever been a rational thing? if u can think abt it rationally, then i think u do not haf feelings for the person. is he waiting for the day when he can think abt us "rationally" to tell me it's over? i will realli go mad if tt is the case.

also, i think he does not kno if he actually wants to be with me. for me, it's so simple. i love him. so i am willing to go the extra mile to make things work. but him? no.. he does not kno if he is willing to do tt.. he does not kno if i am the one still.

but if u read it in another way, at least he sms-ed to explain himself, why he cud not give me an answer on the spot.

either way, i am so hurt. this hurts more than not knowing wat is on his mind. ignorance is bliss. but i realli dunno if i do wanna kno or i dun wanna kno at all.

actually, all i wanna kno is does he wanna try again. simple as that. and right now, my gut feeling is telling me, no he does not want to. otherwise, wat can explain wat is taking him so long to think abt? HE IS CONVINCING HIMSELF, THAT HE DOES NOT NEED ME.

i want to jus walk away, away from him, and towards my new life. but i keep looking back, keep looking back to see how far behind he is.. i jus can't let go.. yet..

he sms-ed me this afternoon, to tell me the amt of my credit card bill. GOD. i can't believe the only thing he wud sms me now at this point of time, is my credit card bill. it is this practical side of him tt i hate. everything is abt money money money.

actually, the hating-him part after a break-up is starting to fall into place now. i hate him for being so wishy-washy abt us. i hate him for not giving a damn abt me after we broke up. i hate him for not answering my calls and sms-es. sigh i am so tired of listing things abt him all the time.

i haf to quickly get back into shape. i am due for my HK trip in 11 days!! haf shopping to do, and guys to see. :p

i realli need all the strength i can summon, i dun wanna b stuck in my crying fits and emo-momo self.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!