When you can't decide if you wanna be serious, sexy or fun....

Kate Winlset in Stella McCartney

I kinda like this. It's like being serious, sexy and fun all at the same time. And her make-up.. so nude, so nice!

You know what they say about girls.. we just wanna have fun! :)

Confessions of a Control Freak

There has been a series of events happening around me lately that made me realise how scared of death I am. I don't know if I am scared of death itself or the fact that I would be caught unprepared and not be able to tell my loved ones my last words. I have a strong feeling it is more of the latter.

So I've hesitated and struggled for a few days, wondering how I should ensure that would not happen. That even if I died tomorrow, I would go with a peace of mind, knowing my loved ones would know how I felt.

I thought I would write a letter, and hide it somewhere. when I die and the husband clears my stuff, he should find them. BUT. What if he doesn't? Or what if he dumps everything w/o even looking? Or worse, what if he chances upon them accidentally when I am still alive? He would think I have some terminal illness and am not telling him.

So this option is out.

Then I thought, I could write the goodbye letters, and hand it over to someone I trust for safekeeping. In this case, I thought of my best friend. Whom I completely trust and she would understand why I would do this, being the control freak I am who loves it when things go according to plan. She could be there to hand out all these letters for me when I am gone. That would be perfect. In fact, I would not even seal them so that she knows she is welcomed to read them, that I have complete trust in her. BUT. What if her house burned down? Or if she misplaced it? Or worse, what if she dies before me? (CHOY!) That would be horrible.

So this option is out too.

And then I thought, you know, things online never disappear.. they are always archived somewhere.. if you wanted it, it would only take a snap of a finger to pull it out.

But I couldn't possibly type them an email cuz there would be no one to send it for me when I passed. I also can't time it to be sent cuz, well I dunno when that might be.

So you know what, it turned out it might be best for me to write it here, cuz I have friends who read my blog from time to time.. and if they read such a thing here, it would be highly unlikely (I hope) they would not forget it and when the time comes, I am sure they will direct my loved ones here to see what I wrote. PERFECT.

And so that is exactly what I am going to do. If you see a post one of these days that resemble a suicide note, pls do not panic... I am just writing for a rainy day. :)

I am a control freak like that! *shrugs shoulders*

My Shining Life!

Those of you who have me as a friend on FB, you would know that I just returned from an Osaka trip. Osaka is an amazing city, the shopping is fab and considerably cheaper as compared to Tokyo. They had H&M! That made shopping in Osaka orgasmic. *giggles*

This trip was the 2nd time I went on with friends. The 1st one being the trip to Bali for 4 days, also with 2 other friends - my absolute BFFs.

This trip, however, felt entirely different. 1st of all, it certainly was not fun. I can't begin to describe the emotions I felt during my Osaka trip. It's a mixture of good and bad stuff. Good being the place itself, the weather, the shopping. It would not go wrong with careful planning. I would recommend it more than Tokyo.

The bad being the company. It was the worst. The thing is I had not expected it cuz if I had, I would not had embarked on the trip in the 1st place.

And you know how it gets when you have bad company. It makes everything seem bad.

Even though I did not have a good time, I did learn many things during trip. My patience, for one, grew incredibly. To put up with someone rude and mean for 5 days is not an easy feat. And I am proud to say that I did it. Without even a word of complain. Though at one point I did show my displeasure for about an hour but I quickly got back my senses and tried to ease up the atmosphere. It was after all a holiday and I should not ruin it for everyone just cuz I was unhappy.

However, this notion was not shared by my fellow travelers. One particular friend made sure her every thought and emotion was heard and felt and if she didn't like what you said, she simply ignored you, even though she asked the question. This happened a lot during the trip and it got to one point, even if I knew the answer, I kept quiet. I don't deserve to be treated like shit and despite my trying to make it a pleasant trip for everyone, she was doing everything she can to make mine hell. She would get angry when I bought something she liked even when I saw it first. I did not mind if she got it too but she chose not to but to sulk about it. She would also get angry if I found stuff to buy and she didn't. @^#%*@$?!?

I went on the trip without knowing that the 2 of them were closer than I thought. If I had known, I would have most certainly grabbed one more friend along. But I thought since we are already on the trip together, we should do things for 3 persons, shop for 3 persons, eat for 3 persons, basically consider everything for 3 persons. But no, they stuck to each other like glue and most of the time, I felt like I was holidaying alone. At one point, we split up to do our own shopping and agreed to meet 1 hour later. When I met them 1 hour later, I realized they had been shopping together and I was the only one who shopped alone. At that point I had already accepted the fact that this was how the rest of the trip was going to be so I uttered nothing. All I wanted to do was shop and go home asap. I refrained from having a showdown with them since I thought it would be unfair to teach them a lesson amidst a holiday. But it took everything I had inside to restrain myself.

When I returned and saw my hubby at the airport and received heartwarming text messages from my friends to welcome me home, I felt better instantly. I could not be bothered with the 2 of them and realized how shallow and juvenile they were. They honestly deserve each other and I truly hope they remain best frenemies forever. (Frenemy definition: People who put others down to make themselves feel better.)

I am glad that at the end of something bad, I got something good out of it. I have already been a contented person before the trip but now, I am contented and grateful. That I have loyal friends, a loving husband and a wonderful family. They are the people who constantly inject positivity into my life and let me excel and shine in the small ways I can. Having been stuck with 2 very negative people who brought out the worst in me, not allowing me to be the best person I can be, made me realize how blessed I am.

The quantity of friends don't count, but the quality does. I would rather have 1 quality friend than many friends like them in my life. The shallow conversations are tiring.. give me a quiet dinner with good friends any day!

Today I am going to write a list of things that I am grateful for and read it every morning to remind myself how good it is to just be alive and living.

Thank you to all you friends who never hindered me in my endeavors and are truly happy for me and where I am today and lastly, having always allowed me to shine.. :)

**Special thanks Mel & Ben, Joanna & Simon for having me at their weddings! Even though it was immediately after my trip, it put me back in high spirits just being a part of your celebrations! :)

I Found A Place In My Heart That Day.

Went for brunch at Wild Honey@Mandarin Gallery over the past weekend to celebrate a mate's BD and came upon a very tasteful and timeless shop.









When I left the shop, I realised there were more display pieces than sale pieces. I wonder how they make money selling the little merchandise that they do.

Well, perhaps making money is not the reason the owner started the shop in the 1st place.

I am thankful I came across that shop that day. It made my day. :)

Li Bing Bing VS Lin Zhi Ling (D&G)

Who wears it better?


Source: http://yeinjee.com/2010/dolce-gabbana-li-bingbing-vs-lin-chiling/

I think Li Bing Bing's skin tone gives her an edge over the dress. Also the shadow casted behind her makes the whole cover pop in a 3D way. She definitely looks more outstanding out of the 2.

Lin Zhi Ling's cover is just so bla.

What's your pick? *winks*

I wish I could be better than me.

I don't think anyone has a perfect life, no matter how good it looks on the surface. It's what you do with the lemons that life throws you that defines the quality of the life you lead.

The most important thing in my life, is relationships. Without relationships, work means nothing, fun means nothing, food means nothing, life means nothing.

I am well aware that I am not the best person out there, I am not the most patient, I am not the most hardworking, I am not the most understanding. But whatever I am, it is my best. I am trying my best to be the most patient, the most hardworking and the most understanding.

There are still times that I lose that self-control and I yell and scream and vent my frustrations. I see that as a natural way of life. When you hold something in, at some point you have to release it.

I don't understand why I am expected to hold it in and hold it in and hold it in and when I release all that unhappiness inside me, the 1st thing ppl think of is, "there she goes again" and not "wow, it's been a long time since she was crazy like that, she must have put up with a lot".

I know that people don't change. The core traits of what they are remains, only sometimes the traits become less prominent, but it is still there, depending on which side of the scale you are tipping and what kind of mood you catch the person in.

I am trying to be content with what I have and the quality of life that I am leading and honestly, most of the time, I am. But sometimes, I secretly wish things could be better. But that "better" is never achievable. Because, after attaining it, there is always something better than better.

And no one could ever have the best things. Because no one has a perfect life.

My Favourite Ermenegildo Zegna model.

I wonder how old he is... he looks.. raw. :p

Paying it forward. Forward forward forward x infinity!

I honestly can't believe that after all these time and all the things I have done/not done in order to make us all happier under one roof, she is still harping on the ghosts of the past.

I guess I only have myself to blame for giving her the bad impression from way back then. But if she is adamant about condemning me, what's the point in me trying to make things better? I am not surprised that this is still going on "backstage" but I am just impressed at how good an actress she is. She is truly a scary person to live with and I am glad that after 4 years, at least I have grown to be more matured. At least this time I did not throw an angry fit and confront her like I did 4 years ago. Maybe cuz I know where that will lead me, so this time I choose to keep mum even though I know about all the shit she is saying about me behind my back.

At the end of the day, I do not harbour any ill intentions with the things I do and the words I say. I do not have a guilty conscience and can put my head up high when I walk in that house. If she chooses to interpret my words and actions the way she does, there is really nothing I can do about it.

As long as he knows, I really don't care about what others think. Because I don't owe my life to anyone but me and my family.

I may not be the best daughter-in-law in the world, but that doesn't mean I haven't done my best to be. And only God can vouch for me on that.

And maybe the day she finds out she has been wrong about me all this time will be a long way from now. But I will wait patiently.

This is my "pay-it-forward".

No one does it like Ryan Gosling.

Another Sundance feature. Due for release on the last day of 2010. Can't wait.

t o o s i c k t o s p e a k

Fever for the 6th day and on all sorts of meds that's taking such a toll on my already weak body.

Gone to see 3 doctors and they don't know what's wrong with me. :(

I love listening to you talk about you!

You know last week I was feeling damn emo. DAMN DAMN DAMN EMO. I suddenly feel that friendships are a lot of work and I may be wrong but I feel like I am the only one putting in the effort sometimes. I am truly tired of it all. It doesn't quite help when I begin to realize that some of my friends are taking me for granted.

I have been crazy calling my friends, trying to get someone to come out and spend some time with me.. I had some troubles at work and I really needed to get it out of my system.

One by one, they told me they're not free, they're working, meeting bf.. bla bla bla. And some of them, I called not once, but twice in that week. And each time I hang up the phone, none of them asked if there was anything urgent. Not that there was, but I mean.. I call them, they ramble on about whatever it is they are busy with, I listen. Then the call ends with either one of the scenario below:

A. Friend says, "Ya so that's what happened lo. Eh I gtg, bye!"

B. I say, "Oh I see.. eh got time not? Wanna meet?"
Friend says, "I can't.. got appointment le. Sorry ar. Next time k? Bye!"

It makes me wonder.. do I really have friends? Maybe I can't tell that ppl don't like me? Even.. *gulp* friends whom I've known for more than 20 years.

Or perhaps my life has never had any major hiccups and even if I did, I was always able to manage on my own, without any help.

But even so, I wasn't asking for help.. I only wanted someone to talk to. No one even asked me the basic question of why I called them in the 1st place. It is very depressing. :(

So last weekend, I was home and sulking. When the husband forced me to tell him what's wrong, I said, "Nobody wants to talk to me. I can't get anyone to talk to me. I listen to everyone talk about their troubles at work, at home, themselves.. but no one wants to listen to me talk abt me anymore."

"I love listening to you talk abt you, isn't that enough?"

At that, I cudn't disagree and I stopped sulking.

Isn't he just the sweetest.

Note: I know some ppl don't like to read about other ppl's lovey-dovey stuff but I am not exactly writing this for other ppl to see. It is more of a reminder for myself, when I am old and grey and perhaps not so happy in my marriage anymore, i will look back at these posts and be reminded of how much he loved me/loves me. So I apologise if it makes you uncomfortable!

Of Bananas and Fruitcakes

I had a very turbulent time last week. To be honest, I kept thinking it was because of my husband. I suddenly had panic attacks about our marriage. I started to think I married too young, and that I was now stuck cuz of that decision I made without even thinking twice.

But I also knew I had many things going on last week and the truth was I had not been able to find anyone close to me to talk about it. And since I thought this was about my husband, he was not one of the people I would look to talk to, though I know for sure he would have dropped everything just to listen to me for a while, had I asked.

So by Friday night, I was literally a volcano waiting to erupt. I had the most horrible day at work, provoked by Banana-face (a colleague@work) who is everything I hate in a girl.

When the husband came home, I just blew up at him, not abt what I was unhappy abt with us (which I still was not able to tell what exactly I was unhappy abt) but abt Banana-face, whom I believed to the bones that she was sent from hell to destroy me.

As I talked to him, tears fell endlessly but as those tears fell, it was like my misery was pouring out of my body. The more I cried, the better I felt. And then all of a sudden, I was back to my old self. Full of love and awe of my husband and how glad I was that he was here with me, despite all the evil things I thought abt when I could not figure out what was causing my temporary depression.

It hit me then that it was my work that was driving me nuts, not him! And the reason why I could not put a finger on my "problem" with him was cuz there wasn't any to begin with! I was just looking at the wrong place. Or perhaps everything at home has been so smooth that even I can't believe it. There had to be something wrong! And so round and round I went in my head, trying to create a problem between us. I can't believe how stupid I've been the past week!

It had nothing to do with marrying too young and not thinking twice abt it. And I hadn't thought twice about it cuz that was how sure I am about marrying this man! And I know I haven't made the wrong choice. He is still the one.

But this really set me thinking.. how scary! one person's thought can change everything. That you can become convinced by yourself when what you are thinking is totally untrue. Had I insisted that I was right about me marrying too young, the night he came home, we would have been sure to go into a big fight and who knows what would have become of us today? Cuz surely, to have said anything like that to someone so close to you would hurt like a bitch and not many couples can survive such fights and carry on with their relationship like nasty words haven't been exchanged.

But it is even scarier to know that you don't know yourself very well. How I was not able to tell what was causing my depression, I cannot understand.

Well, it could be because I have been too comfortable in my previous job that I forgot what it was like to have politics in the work place. Or it could simply have been PMS. I swear, it came and went, just like that!

Anyhow, you can be sure that you will be seeing a lot of mention of Banana-face on my blog from now on.

My gloves are so OFF!

All by myself.

No one has time for me this week.. not even my mom.. :(

Are you paid to take advantage of the company's resources?

Z: Do you think I can extend my trip a day or 2 so I can go around and see a few places?
K: I am sure that's not a problem but you will have to make sure your dates work out and doesn't interfere with the shop's roster and your manager OK-s it..
N: Unless of cuz, K is willing to help you tweak the schedule a little bit so you have an excuse to stay longer.. then the manager will have nothing to say also.
K: I will do no such thing. All the flights going out are full cuz of the summer holidays in Europe, if I get a seat confirmed for you, you get on that flight and come back! Plus, I don't think the manager will be pleased if I threw that bomb on him so last minute and leave him with no time to re-do the roster.
N: Wa lao.. this K.. open mouth only say wrong thing.
K: This may be the wrong thing to say, but it is the right thing to do!

VERY ANGRY. How is that the wrong thing to say?! How dare she accuse me so openly!

Ya I sore loser, SO?! I am paid to work here and I will do just that. I'm your COLLEAGUE, not your friend! Of cuz I think from the standpoint of the organization, not YOU!

Very Suay Week

1. Had to work late, missed haircut appointment and got scolded by stylist for informing her late. (In fact I called on the dot to cancel, how is that considered late?)
2. Wanted to watch Inception (badly), booked tickets for tomorrow night and got cancelled on today. Now I can't watch movie plus I am left stranded on a Friday night.
3. Been wanting to get out all week but no one seems to have time for me: sister can't go out cuz father in law is on town, friend no. 1 can't go out cuz gotta work, friend no. 2 can't go out cuz gotta acc bf and friend no. 3 has totally gone MIA. Talk about friends when u need them.

It feels as though I have all the things I need but it seems like these are not what I need after all.

What's wrong with me, why am I so unhappy these days? 

I Hate WC! (But Rejoice! It's o.v.e.r!)

This best describes my A&F Ginza experience!

"Whenever I am in New York, London or Milan, I always make a beeline for an Abercrombie & Fitch store. What makes A&F so irresistible? The feel of a private club, the relentless dance music, the hip, young sales staff with runway-worthy faces and bodies, the semi-dressed models positioned at the door for photos with excited shoppers, the pervasive scent of its Fierce fragrance in the air... they all come together to pull me in like an entranced worshiper.

These sweeteners put shoppers in such a good mood that few of us would exit an A&F store without a purchase and a smile. So what if we're paying high prices for a simple tee? Or if the staff (the same ones with model faces) can't answer our product questions? Here, just take our money."

By: Dr Ng King Kang, Editorial Consultant of ZbBz, June 2010 issue

Excuse me, have you seen me?

Today has been a strange day.. I let my mind wander to wherever it wanted.. and it led me to strange places indeed.

I can't explain how I am feeling.. except that I feel I may have made some wrong choices in life. I might have had a much more fabulous life had I not made these wrong choices.. and I would not have lost myself along the way. Yes, I feel like I have lost myself.

The Kelly I am today.. was not what I pictured myself to be 10 years ago.

When I was 18, I had big dreams, I wanted to be somebody. I was not afraid to love someone and make it known. I was sure of what I wanted and was even surer that whatever I wanted, I would get them eventually.

I had a group of friends I loved being with. They were fun, they were bold, and they were never ashamed to say what they felt. They were hard-core party animals. We never went home until the sun shone on our fat asses. It was a high and wild life. I thought if one day I was being led astray, it would be because of them. But I was having fun with them and they made me feel like I was special, somebody who made a difference. So I didn't care.

Until one day, I realized they were having way too much fun to genuinely be living a decent life. And that I was so attached to them that it worried me. I wanted to go out with them everyday. That can't be good. All they do is have fun. Also, I liked a guy from that group but he was leading me on. And another guy liked me but I didn't like him. So when things got a little bit complicated.. I ditched them all. The whole group, all of them. Including my crush.. who had everything in common with me. I ditched everything.

I went on my own, and back to my own friends and began leading my own life. The life I thought that was right for me, that was right for everyone else. After all, this was the life that everyone has.. work, eat, date, get married, have babies. And not club, drink, joke, sing, dance and shit.

Today, I stumbled upon one of them on FB. My crush.. who looks like he has not aged one day.. and looks exactly the same as the day I last saw them 10 years ago. From his photos I could tell he was still doing the same things, club, drink, joke, sing, dance and shit. But some things ARE different. He now owns a production company. He has gone back to his music and is now recording his debut album with his band. He still hangs out with the same ppl and wears the same clothes. He is still the same person I fell in love with. And the guy who liked me? He is now a director in Japan. They are all living their dreams and have become somebody.

And me? I am married, miscarriaged, gone totally in the other direction that they did. And living my life like a typical Singaporean. I am 28 with no dreams and nowhere near that somebody I wanted to become. I have become restricted to my comfort zone and not keen in making new friends anymore. I question myself daily what I want out of life and don't know what I am doing with my life everyday except work, eat and go home.

I have totally lost my sense of adventure, confidence and creativity.

At that point, I stopped to think. What would have happened if I had carried on being friends with them? What if I have never craved for that normalcy and just led my life like they did? What if I was meant to become somebody and yet I threw it away?

What if they were my inspiration in life and the biggest influence I will ever have to make it big in life and.. I backed out cuz i was afraid of what lies ahead of me? Or worse.. of being different?

I think about the person I was 10 years ago and.. I don't recognise myself now. This person I see in the mirror.. is not who I wanted to be. Yet I can't find my old self. I don't know where she has gone.

I miss her.

Confusion is an understatement for me right now. This feels more like a realization that hit me hard: that I had missed my final destination in life.

And it's too late now to regret and I am never going anywhere..

except HERE. stuck here. lost here.

Where are you, Kelly?

If this is what SJP looks like in real...

What chance do we commoners have?!

It is all a lie! :(

I like this.

And what do you think of VB's new do?