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♫ Stuff In My Head ♫

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Excuse me, have you seen me?

Today has been a strange day.. I let my mind wander to wherever it wanted.. and it led me to strange places indeed.

I can't explain how I am feeling.. except that I feel I may have made some wrong choices in life. I might have had a much more fabulous life had I not made these wrong choices.. and I would not have lost myself along the way. Yes, I feel like I have lost myself.

The Kelly I am today.. was not what I pictured myself to be 10 years ago.

When I was 18, I had big dreams, I wanted to be somebody. I was not afraid to love someone and make it known. I was sure of what I wanted and was even surer that whatever I wanted, I would get them eventually.

I had a group of friends I loved being with. They were fun, they were bold, and they were never ashamed to say what they felt. They were hard-core party animals. We never went home until the sun shone on our fat asses. It was a high and wild life. I thought if one day I was being led astray, it would be because of them. But I was having fun with them and they made me feel like I was special, somebody who made a difference. So I didn't care.

Until one day, I realized they were having way too much fun to genuinely be living a decent life. And that I was so attached to them that it worried me. I wanted to go out with them everyday. That can't be good. All they do is have fun. Also, I liked a guy from that group but he was leading me on. And another guy liked me but I didn't like him. So when things got a little bit complicated.. I ditched them all. The whole group, all of them. Including my crush.. who had everything in common with me. I ditched everything.

I went on my own, and back to my own friends and began leading my own life. The life I thought that was right for me, that was right for everyone else. After all, this was the life that everyone has.. work, eat, date, get married, have babies. And not club, drink, joke, sing, dance and shit.

Today, I stumbled upon one of them on FB. My crush.. who looks like he has not aged one day.. and looks exactly the same as the day I last saw them 10 years ago. From his photos I could tell he was still doing the same things, club, drink, joke, sing, dance and shit. But some things ARE different. He now owns a production company. He has gone back to his music and is now recording his debut album with his band. He still hangs out with the same ppl and wears the same clothes. He is still the same person I fell in love with. And the guy who liked me? He is now a director in Japan. They are all living their dreams and have become somebody.

And me? I am married, miscarriaged, gone totally in the other direction that they did. And living my life like a typical Singaporean. I am 28 with no dreams and nowhere near that somebody I wanted to become. I have become restricted to my comfort zone and not keen in making new friends anymore. I question myself daily what I want out of life and don't know what I am doing with my life everyday except work, eat and go home.

I have totally lost my sense of adventure, confidence and creativity.

At that point, I stopped to think. What would have happened if I had carried on being friends with them? What if I have never craved for that normalcy and just led my life like they did? What if I was meant to become somebody and yet I threw it away?

What if they were my inspiration in life and the biggest influence I will ever have to make it big in life and.. I backed out cuz i was afraid of what lies ahead of me? Or worse.. of being different?

I think about the person I was 10 years ago and.. I don't recognise myself now. This person I see in the mirror.. is not who I wanted to be. Yet I can't find my old self. I don't know where she has gone.

I miss her.

Confusion is an understatement for me right now. This feels more like a realization that hit me hard: that I had missed my final destination in life.

And it's too late now to regret and I am never going anywhere..

except HERE. stuck here. lost here.

Where are you, Kelly?


Meowmee said...

I believe that the things in life sculpted us to where we are now, and perhaps you might have been somebody. But we love u the way you are right now. You'll never be too young to keep on dreaming and fulfilling.

For one, one of mine became a fashion designer, and gets features for big names..and I ditched him too. :/

I'm still happy where I am now.

Perhaps what we were looking for, was certainty and security.
But this is definitely not your final destination.

cheer up Kelly, MEET ME! :)