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♫ Stuff In My Head ♫

Monday, September 21, 2009

Dream a little dream of me, not.

I don't know how many people out there do this, but I do it quite frequently. I force myself to dream what I want to dream when I sleep.

Most of the times, they turn out pretty pleasant. Close to what I imagined it to be. It's like living the life I can't in reality, or being the person I can't be in reality, or seeing the people I can't in reality, or doing something totally out of the code of conduct in reality.

Like, meeting an old flame or having a fling with an acquaintance? you know, that sorta thing. :p I am just citing examples, tho. Don't let me put any ideas in your head now.

So i have this thing that I haven't had proper closure to, some time ago. It might have been a long time ago, and ppl ard me wud think i shud be long over it. Well, in a way, I am. Cuz time heals all wounds. but from time to time, I just can't help thinking about the person and the "what ifs".

It was a sudden desire that came over me last night, just before I went to sleep.. I thot long and hard abt that person, wondering what would happen if one day, we met again under favourable circumstances. I dun make up a plot in my head, i jus keep thinking abt that person and what might happen if we met again. so a few different scenarios goes thru my head.. until i drift asleep into dreamland.

so the dream took plc in a big hse, with a big swimming pool. In my dream, I knew whose hse that was, it was his cousin's. I have been there in reality but in the dream, it looked different. it was smaller.

so, i was hanging out by the pool alone, when he walked in and kinda settled down beside me and held a very casual conversation with me. he looked much better in the dream than in reality. the funny thing was in the dream, his mom was there with us, bringing us juices and fruits.. very hospitable. when i woke up, i linked this to the episode in reality whereby he dropped me off back at my house and went off to have dinner with his parents and came back to meet me after dinner. it felt horrible to be a "secret", like I wasn't good enuff to meet his parents. but anyhow, at least i met his mom in my dream. :p

so back to the dream, while his mom was walking back and forth in the background, he stayed close to me throughout the dream. I remember myself trying to keep a safe distance between us, whenever I felt he was coming too near. I think that is a reflection of the defense I have put up against him in reality. it's amazing how close dreams mimic reality!

we spoke in my dream but like i said, it was just casual conversation which felt like it was muted in my dream. so i have absolutely no recollection of what we spoke about. but as i packed my stuff to leave, the volume was suddenly turned up in my dream, un-muted.

I recall getting up, walking past his mom and abt to leave when his mom alerted him that i was leaving.

he came ard me, walked me away from the door and to a deck chair by the pool and sat me down. then, he passed me this little scrapbook and opened it up to the 1st page and left me alone to see it.

i looked at the hand-made scrapbook in my hand saw that it was made with coloured paper and crayon drawings. like that of a child's art project.

i began to flip the pages, and realised that it was telling a story. the story of how we met, how we went on our 1st date, how i decided to stop seeing him, how he felt when we stopped seeing each other, the names of his friends (4 of them) who told him to get me back, the regret and sadness he felt when i was gone and finally, how he met me again and got back tgt.

i shud have been very touched at this, but in my dream, i felt nothing but resentment. i did not have a smile on my face, like i shud have. and only 2 words formed in my head, "too late".

when he saw that i had flipped to the last page, he walked toward me and sat down beside me, as he waited for me to speak.

i looked up at him and said very seriously, "it's too late, i'm married." It's good to know i had not totally become another person in my dream. and yes, the guy i was married to in my dream was the very same guy sleeping next to me in my bed in reality. :p

after i said those words in my dream, he looked at me with sadness in his eyes and his hands reached out to hold both of mine.

"is there really no chance for us?" he finally said when i shifted in my seat, abt to get up.

"it's too late." with that, i slipped out of his hands and got up to leave.

this was the very dramatic part: i grabbed my bag with one hand and slung it over my shoulder. just as i was abt to walk out the door, i turned ard, looked at him and said, "just so you know, we would have really been something if we stayed together. we were perfect together. perfect."

and i remember strutting out of the hse, with the look of disappointment on his face lingering in my mind.

and my dream ended. as if on cue, i woke up right after that. it was 5.01am. i know the dream sounded a bit harsh, but when i woke up, i was smiling! it's like i got my closure, even tho it was totally made up by me and my sub-conscious mind. but if we did meet again, i would like this to be exactly what happens.

and as if *he* knew what i had dreamt, he foudn my hand under the covers and held it. his other hand came over my head to smooth out my hair on my pillow.

i was half-alseep, half-awake. but i know that happened in reality.

i dunno if this is considered cheating.. but even for 2 persons deeply in love, you need distraction every once in a while so that u will truly appreciate what u have.

for me, it is through my dreams that i can truly be myself, or sometimes, NOT be myself.

if *he* ever talks in his sleep and calls out another girl's name.. sure, i will be disturbed but i wud also be glad that i am the one he will be waking up next to in the morning, and not the one with a look of disappointment in his dream. :)