kellykylie

it has been an extremely weird time for me.. my emotions haf been running up and down like a rollercoaster.. except i am going at an even faster speed than a rollercoaster. i am freaking myself out a bit.

the des episode is definitely over. i am feeling sick even jus mentioning his name. i guess i shud realli haf known.. or listened to my aunt for tt matter. he is a player after all.. and way too many secrets he had.. i jus cudn't deal with it. not like he gave me a chance to deal with it anywae. he was alwaes lying, hiding and sometimes it made me feel so lousy abt myself, when it was clearly him who shud b feeling lousy abt this whole thing. perhaps i allowed myself to get hurt during these vulnerable times.. i am way too vulnerable right now.. anyone and anything cud come along and jus kill me with a breeze. i dunno wat has gotten into me.

for sure, i miss *him*. after the call the other day, he sometimes msged me.. jus to find out how i was.. and in his belief, trying to reassure me that he is still there for me.. he jus needs more time.. but to me, i feel like he is using me to get over me. i dunno. but i jus can't go cold turkey on him.. i tell myself i wun answer his calls, but i alwaes end up answering them. i tell myself to ignore his sms-es, but i alwaes end up replying them. i feel quite lost and direction-less now.. i am living each day like a zombie. i do wat i haf to do, smile when i haf to, eat when i haf to, sleep when i haf to. i've become very, very jaded. i'm not even 25.

perhaps it was a mistake to get out of advertising. now i haf so much time on my hands, i dun even kno how to spend the nex hour. weekends are especially gruelling.. i was feeling so lonely last sunday, i actually went to bed at 7pm.. woke up at 8am and went to work the nex day..

last night i cried myself to sleep again.. why?

dunno whether i am gg insane. i dunno wat to do with myself. nothing seems right without *him*.

i jus watched britney's "comeback" performance on MTV's VMA 2007 on youtube. omg, it was so bad. she was looking like she had too much botox, 3 months pregnant (but she isn't!) and wearing undergarments tt were too small for her. her new song was so trashy and her dance steps so stiff. for a moment i even thot i saw a psychotic smile flash across her face. it was a bit eerie.

it made me think of myself. i was also becoming tt screwed up, eerie person. life is totally whacked for me now. there are other guys ard me but i jus feel they are all bad and wrong. des is a player, zhongli has a gf, william is a clinger. and *he* is missing in action.

wat do i do with myself, realli?