jus there.. hurting..

so someone has complained that this blog has not been updated. thank you, at least i feel impt for a while.

if u kno me by now, u wud haf detected that i am in a foul mood today. and yes, it is becuz of him again. i seem to go thru this every other weekend, dun i? i used to so look forward to the weekends.. but the past few weekends have made me a lil upset when the weekends come. i dunno if i shud b happy or not. i end up crying most often than not during these weekends.

i used to look forward to the weekends cuz i get to see him, spend time with him.. and actually get a few real laughs tt i am deprived of at work. but lately, i hardly even get one laugh when i am with him. even if there are, they are often fake. it is not tt i dun love him anymore, or i am bored with him. jus tt we are hardly alone now. there is alwaes his sister, his mother or jus somebody ard us. it doesn't seem to bother him, but it bothers me like crazy. we're not even getting one minute of time alone. even if i do get time alone with him, the tv is blaring away with soccer matches. how to vie for attention like tt?

he keeps saying tt i am asking for a lot. am i realli? all i want, is time with him, quality. is tt realli too much? i used to want him for the whole weekend, but i kno tt is impossible, i settled for jus one saturday. i kno he has to work sometimes, so i settled for jus saturday night. now i kno he wants to watch soccer.. so even saturday nights are gone. i am basically sitting ard his plc on weekends, waiting for him to throw me jus one glance.

how to be happy like tt?

sometimes i feel like i am his dog, jus waiting at home for him. waiting for him to come home.. and give me a pat on my head. then he scoots off to do his own things, watch tv, sleep, talk to his family.. as for me.. i'm jus there.. jus there..


when he gets a breather from work, he comes home to sleep, watch soccer, place bets, and wake up the nex morning bright & early, to play soccer with his mates. when he gets home, he sleeps. when he wakes up, he eats. after tt he watches soccer live on tv.

and i'm jus there..

wat am doing there, i as myself. it is not doing my self-esteem any good. i am not important, not appreciated and horribly overlooked.

so i go home.

when i come home, i cry. cuz i miss him. and wonder why he can't jus gimme tt bit of attention, which to him, is a lot for him to give.

lately he's been bringing up "break-up" a lot. whenever we argue, he wants to break-up. i get the feeling he's had enuff. but i am at the point where i realli dun wanna give up, after all tt we've been thru.

i realli dunno wat to do. i want to let go, but i dunno how to. if i can break-up and not feel any hurt and pain, i wud. but i kno it wud hurt, real bad. and i feel like i've given too much to let go now.

my biggest wish now is tt i wished i nv got started with him. or with anyone at all. i jus wanna b on my own.. by myself.. ignorant to the thing called love and things it does to you.

can i realli go back, now? i dun wanna b here.. ever..