it's coming back to me now..

yes i am gg to talk abt my break up again. if u haf had enuff and dun wanna hear no more, pls log off NOW!

b4 i go on tho, i realli wanna say thank you to Nastassja. :) she has been listening to me and my sob-sobs relentlessly for almost the whole of last week, everyday. Babe, you are definitely the best fren anyone can haf. can't ask for anything more in a fren. love you!

jos had also been kind to me. she may not kno wat i want or how i feel sometimes, but i kno tt no matter wat decision i make, she will alwaes find an excuse to back me up. :) sweet darling, she is. (yes, i haf my eyes on des now!)

i now kno tt i am slowly coming to terms with the fact now. cuz the heartache and flashbacks are all coming back slowly.

scenes of us having dinner tgt, memories of those friends' gatherings we went tgt, pictures of us in the scarlet hotel, dreams of our future tgt.. all clear in my head now.

the heartache comes in when i think abt how he still doesn't think tt i haf done anything constructive in this r'ship, despite my many efforts.

the heartache comes in when i think of how he wud rather be in pain abt our break up than call to talk to me.

the heartache comes in when i think of how his attitude towards at the end of the r'ship turned so drastically bad.

the heartache comes in when i think of how he said "take it or leave it" to me.

the heartache comes in when i think abt how in all these 3 and a half years we were tgt, we nv went for any holiday tgt.

the heartache comes in when i think of how these 3 and a half years has gone to waste, just in a snap of a finger.

and desmond has not been talking to me on MSN. i am so not feeling good market value now.

has been a crappy week for me since Monday. Pls pray for me so my mid-week will get better? i need it so bad. :(

almost there..

i got wind of how he was doing for the past week unexpectedly. tho it is exactly wat i expected him to b doing. i wud haf imagined he was drowning in his sorrows half the time. i was right.

i do feel bad tt at this very crucial time of his career, i am distracting him and making him unable to work. i actually recall the same thing happening this same time last year. good proof of jus how often we get into an argument.

when our mutual fren was telling me abt his week went, i did not feel any regret, nor heartbreak. i only felt bad for him. i wanted to be able to comfort him, as a fren. but i did not think abt wat was happening between us. to me, it's as good as over. if i realli wanted to be with someone, or if i loved someone so much.. i wud nv leave them in misery for so long.. not to mention even contemplate breaking up with them. his words and action jus make me feel tt all he wants is to break up. and the fact is he did bring it up (again) the last time we quarreled. wat position am i to say anything to save this r'ship?

i can't believe how calm i am or haf been throughout this week w/o him. i talk to ppl abt wat is gg on between us, not a single tear fell. i stay home to watch my korean drams and laugh heartily at their jokes. i accept invitations from other guys who seem to b showing interest in me.

even my close fren thinks this is a vast difference in me from the last time somehting similar happened between me and him. i was crying like someone died. and he merely ignored me for 2 days.

some part of my heart has died. i haf no more hope in him in trying to make things better. i no longer expect anything more from him. i am starting to learn to manage my things w/o him and his advice.

i am starting to find myself back.. day by day..

:)

guess desmond was right. sometimes we jus gotta b selfish. when i think of myself, i feel this is the best thing to happen to us. but when i think of him, i feel bad and wanna call him and go back to him jus to make him feel better.

but when i think of how he can leave me alone in SG and go overseas with his colleagues, how he can stay at home and watch soccer and leave me out completely, how he wud defend his family whenever things go wrong between us and how he got back with me the last time we broke up only becuz he felt bad and sorry for me.. i kno i am doing the right thing this time.

and i kno for a fact, even if we make up now, it'll only b a matter of time eveything happens again.

the things i will realli miss being his gf.. are some good frens i haf made through him.. his buds.. his buds' gfs.. some of his cousins.. and even his father. it's sad how it seems like i am losing a big part of my life jus by losing one person.

and all those promises i made to him, i realli wanna keep them.. but he is making it impossible for me to keep them by asking for a break up every time we quarrel now. (or perhaps that's the way i am telling myself to make myself feel less bad abt gg back on my words.)

i haf promised him i wud alwaes be with him , i realli want to. i haf promised to cook him dinenr everyday after we got married, i realli look forward to that. we even had our wedding plans in plc.. looks like it's all useless now. i'm impressed with how cold-blooded i haf become. not a single emotion in me is stirred as i am typing this. i even haf the sappiest love song on.. not affecting me at all.

i jus hope he wun come to me and say all the sweet stuff lest i change my mind abt leaving him. but to b honest, i kno he is not the kind to do things like tt. he wud rather let me go than beg me to stay. so.. i guess i'm worrying for nothing here.

now i'm jus waiting for a formal word from him.. or if there isn't gg to be any, at least when things blow over.. i need to get my things back from his place.. and there's also our joint account to settle. *sigh* this is the real headache for me. i hope when we go and close our account tgt, things wun get too emotional.

i think i will pull thru this time.. hang on, kelly, you're almost there.

*aza aza fighting!*