On the last day of October 2011.

I wrote a super long post prior to this, saying how on the last day of my birthday month, is a day of reflections for me. Also going on and on about what a milestone this is for me, it being the last year of my twenties.

But you know what, after I finished typing, I read it once over and felt.. sad. This shouldn't be a day to be thinking about my difficult past, the sob-sob stories and the people who made me sob. It should be a day of looking toward the future, with my hand on my belly, of course. :)

And so that long-winded post will be banished into a folder named "Drafts" until once day I decide to publish it when I feel emo enough. :p

For now, thank you to all who has sent me well-wishes on my birthday last week and all my love to those who celebrated my birthday with me. I had a great end to my birthday celebrations yesterday, brunching with my bestest girlfriends. I love them to death and I wish for many many more great years ahead for our friendship.

October, for the 1st time, meant more to me than just my birthday and wedding anniversary. It was the big check on my bubs at the gynae's office and thankfully, nothing major came up and bubs seem happy where he is. Just as Lee Chao and I am as well. And that, to me, is the best birthday present.

It's hard for me to hold back my tears when I think about the fact that this time next year, Lee Chao and I will be joined by the 3rd member of our little family and I will have my hands so full that maybe I will forget my own birthday. Haha. Which will be a good problem. But then again, recent events have taught me not to plan for the future or wish for too much. Just live each day as it comes, being the best person you can be and always be thankful for all that you have. Because it could all be taken away from you the very next day, or this very minute.

So to all my friends, be happy to be alive, to be loved and to be able to give.

"It is not the number of breaths you take in this life that matters, but the moments in life that take your breath away."

Happy Halloween!!!! :D

白色婚禮

Can't believe this song is 10 years old come November. It is one of my favourite chinese songs and I will never forget the 1st time I heard it. I was 19 then, and working part-time at a record store when the speakers starting playing this song. I was at my section, shelving CDs and by the time the song entered its 1st chorus, I stopped what I was doing and leaned my butt against the CD rack while listening intently to the lyrics.

It had the most tragically beautiful tune I have ever heard and it almost brought a tear to my eye, right there in the middle of the busy record store.

The lyrics are so moving that each time I listen to it, I close my eyes and can almost feel the cold wind blowing against my chilly face.

I have never come across a song like this for the next 10 years and I believe this song held a very high benchmark for the rest of the songs I heard later on.

It is a perfect song to listen to when nursing a heartache. A great pity that Peggy Hsu never quite made it in the chinese music scene even though I am sure she has a loyal following of fans who continue to appreciate and love her style of songwriting.

Here it is, 10 years later.. I hope it will also bring you back to a beautiful, though sad time, in your life. It is the sad times in life that makes us happy today.



白色婚禮

詞曲: 許哲珮 製作: 陳建良 編曲: 陳建良/許哲珮 演唱: 許哲珮

今天特別冷 我想 是冬天來了
翻出一件件毛衣 也翻出有你的記憶

記得去年冬季 你說好下個冬季舉行一場白色婚禮
在耶誕前夕 就我和你 兩個人的婚禮也可以很甜蜜

接近零下的天氣 強迫自己穿著短袖上衣
冷到不能呼吸 卻害怕穿上毛衣 又想起了你 發現是冬季
眼淚結了冰 分不清 是太冷還是痛心
Oh來不及 毛衣來不及送洗 我過期的白色婚禮

沙灘不再美麗 情歌不再動聽
我們不再可以一起 一起
踩著浪花數著腳印 我們過期的約定

19 weeks

I have very bad posture. Be it standing, walking or sitting. When I stand, I slouch. When I walk, I drag my feet. When I sit, I slump in the chair.

Now that I am pregnant, all these bad habits are taking a toll on my body. I have the worse backaches ever from lower to upper back. I keep reminding myself to stand up straight and sit up straight but I always forget once I get comfortable and end up paying for the price later at night.

It also doesn't help that I am no longer able to sleep on my back as the weight around my tummy increases. If I even attempt to lie on my back, I reflexively turn to my sides immediately as the tummy weighs down on my chest and kinds of cuts off my oxygen.

And it is known the only way to relieve backache is to lie flat on your back. :(

But that is probably the only bad thing I can think of now to "complain" about now that I am 19 weeks along, 1 week short of making the halfway mark.

Nowadays my most favourite thing to do is to put my hand over my belly under my clothes and wait for bubs to kick a leg or punch a fist. It is such an amazing feeling and even though bubs has been moving around for a few weeks now, the feeling never fails to amaze me every time. It is the only thing I have with bubs as a way of communication, to let me know he is ok and well in my belly. I have become so obsessed and addicted with this "daily activity" that as long as I have a free hand, it will be resting over my belly.

Next week will be the 1st time I am seeing bubs on the ultrasound in the 2nd trimester. It has been a long and hard 6-weeks wait. And I will find out for sure next week if bubs is a boy or girl, though my gynae has guessed an 80% chance that bubs is a boy. We will confirm next week that what we saw the last time is not a toe. :)

For now, I am going to stop typing, and put one hand over my belly while waiting for the clock to strike 6PM and head home! And then lie in bed on my side, holding my book in one hand and belly in the other. :)

You are responsible for the LOVE you make.

Today, a friend I see about twice to thrice a year called to congratulate me on my pregnancy. Our husbands know each other so she told me she heard it from him.

We had a good conversation about babies (she has 2 daughters, a 3-yo and a 5-mth old) and how it feels being a 1st time mom when we ventured into the sufferings on the 1st trimester.

I told her I had a lot of discomforts like nausea, cramps, insomnia and extreme fatigue. She told me she was the same during her 1st pregnancy. Then I told her I am much better now, at 18 weeks. Almost all my symptoms are gone and it is indeed the "honeymoon trimester".

Then she said, "But you didn't say that to your husband, right?"

I reply, "Huh? What do you mean? That I feel better already? Of course, I did!"

She quickly follows after me, "Aiya, you shouldn't! You should continue to tell him you are still having headache, nausea, cramps whatever! You know, this will be the only time they are going to pamper us! After that, you will be like invisible already! All they care about is their new child!"

After I heard that, I felt very sorry for her. Her husband sounds like a jerk! I did not tell her that I don't think my husband will be like hers, because even when I was not pregnant, he was very sweet to me. I don't see why things would change after we have a child. In fact, I believe things won't change. My husband will be a great father and husband, if not an even BETTER husband to me!

So as not to hurt her feelings, I simply replied, "Really? Oh no! Ok I will tell him I am not feeling well today."

And after that, she went on to talk about giving her babies' old clothes to me. Which I gladly accepted, of course.

I wonder if what she says is true. If it is, it would be very scary. It's ironic cuz I thought building a family is supposed to further bond the couple closer. If it drives them apart then why do we start a family for?

I have always known that the key to a happy family, is to have happy parents. Because, without happy parents in a family, is akin to not having a family at all. If you both decided to start a family, then I think it is both your responsibility to make sure the family is well-taken care of not just financially, but also emotionally.

After I have my own family, my top priority will not be to nurture my children (although that will be important also), but to maintain a good relationship with my husband. My husband will always be my top priority. Because 20, 30 years down the road, he will be the one there to sit by my side and hold my hand through thick and thin for the rest of our remaining years. Not my children. Or rather, I do not want to depend on my children in that way. To me, the relationship I have with my husband is more important than the one with my children.If we don't take care of it now, when the time comes and it is left with the 2 of us alone again, it will be too late to repair the relationship. We may no longer even have kind words for each other. I do not want that to happen.

It is easy for me to say this now cuz I have yet to have my own children. I do not know yet how great the love for my children could be. So I hope this post will serve as a reminder to myself to not forget the very basics of a happy family, and what I will owe to my children for bringing them into this world: to give them a happy family! :)

My SHINee Baby :D

So I went to my beloved SHINee's concert last weekend and needless to say, it was a blast.. I am still trying to get over what my eyes saw and what my ears heard.. *melts* but that's a story for the next blog post. :) with peektures, no less!

For now, I just want to tell you guys that as of today, I am 15 weeks pregnant and all has been ok so far (I won't say "well" cuz I don't want to jinx it).

There has been a few hiccups in my 1st trimester but thankfully, they are all over and I have cleared all the tests.

For now, it is just a waiting game and being more paranoid every day, wondering if I am walking too fast, laughing too hard and stressing too much.

Like last week when I was at the SHINee concert, I think perhaps I screamed a bit too much. I got very worried when I went home cuz I wondered if I had maybe injured my baby's ears. :( I could not sleep till 3am that night.

But I guess, what's mine will b mine. No point thinking or worrying so much, if there's any damage done, it's already been done so no point crying over spilled milk! Just gotta do the best I can and live each day as it comes.

The last gynae appt I went to, baby spread legs so doc saw something in between. Haha. Gynae presumes an 80% chance of the baby being a boy. We will know for sure at our next appt in Oct.

For now, I will keep looking at pretty Korean boys, in the hope of having a cute pretty boy myself. :) What a wonderful excuse for checking out cute guys! Mama's doing it for you, baby! :P

샤이니!

OMO OMO OMO! SHINEE is COMING!


I want to go but I don't know it I should, especially after my last K-Pop concert experience.. It wasn't exactly fantastic.. I mean I have been to better concerts. And the crowd... really put me off.. they remind me of bieber fans. (And it is definitely not because I am old. HAHA!) :p

ARGH!! HOW???!!!!

I can't help it.

I know I should not be celebrating but I'm sorry, I can't help it!

Some people just should always be single! 大家开心总比一个人开心好！


:))))))))))))))) I LOVE YOU, TAKUYA!

Taylor Swfit in Teen Vogue August

Such a pretty picture of Taylor Swift.


Loving the dress! So frilly and swingy. So England in the 1920s. I've always wanted to have a dress like that but I am not tall enough to carry it off plus I have never come across one that I really loved. (Actually I did, once, at Chanel. Unfortunately that is not within my means!)

And when it does become something I can afford, I doubt I will have the youth nor beauty to wear it then. :p

Hugh Jackman in HD?

Yea he's hot to some people, to me, his accent is hotter than his face.


But something about this picture bugs me. It looks too real. If I stare at it for mroe than 3 seconds, it feels as tho i am staring at the real man himself and that he would blink his eyes anytime. (You have to click on it and see it in full scale now!)

Is there such a thing as HD photographs??

Monday Lunch Relief

HAHA.

I really think the reporter who covered this piece of news truly dislikes Jolin.

And perhaps this is why some artistes remain on good terms with reporters. They decide how the world looks at/judges you.

All the pictures used in the above article are so unflattering!

But it's kinda hilarious and entertaining for me. :p

Pls be happy.

The hearts feels heavy and sorrowful today.

So it is true, you cannot be truly happy if the person you care about is not happy.

Even though you do not belong to me anymore, I still want to see you with a smile on your face, always.

Be happy, please.

The US of A's answer to Super Junior, perhaps?

The industry terminology for such groups is called a "Super group". Meaning people from already-famous groups get together to form a new group. The more notable ones are Audioslave, made up by ex-members of Rage Against The Machine and 1 member from Soundgarden. As well as Alter Bridge, made up by members of Creed and 1 member from The Mayfield Four. And not forgetting my favourite super band of all time, Tinted Windows, made up of Taylor Hanson (Hanson), James Iha (The Smashing Pumpkins), Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne) and Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick). Is that a cool mix of talents or what! Unfortunately, according to past records, super groups don't always do well.

I wish the opposite for NKOTBSB. Just because I am born in the era of boy bands and I will always have a soft spot for them. :)

No one was itchy during the 7th year.

Today is a special day! It marks the 8th year my husband and I have been together and we are now officially past the 7th year! phew! thank god there wasn't much itchiness there! (sorry for the corniness! I am beaming with truck-loads of love today!)

The hubbs sent me to work this morning (not just cuz' today is a special day, he tries to do it whenever he can) and we received some really good news on the way to my office.

The law firm handling the sales of our DBSS flat which is due for completion in 2013 called to tell us they will be sending through the official papers for our transaction today and that all loans and grants have been approved by HDB.

We are simply overjoyed! After almost 4 years of house hunting, we have finally secured our own flat with no hiccups whatsoever this time. Done-deal. Closed chapter. Weeee!!!!!!

Now all's left is to sit and shake leg and wait for 2013 to swing by. Sounds good if you ask me!

It will not be an extraordinary day for us today. Just a normal, usual week day. After work, I will meet the husband for a fish-head steamboat dinner which we have almost every other week. Today we celebrate the normalcy of our relationship and the daily routines that we try not to take for granted as each day passes. Because it is in such spirits, can we celebrate each day like it's special, 365 days a year.

The hubbs like to say, "My ultimate nightmare began on this day, 8 years ago."

And to that, I say, "You have done a great job so far, battling the nightmare. But this is only the tip of the ice-berg. Brace yourself for the journey of life. With me."

Happy Anniversary, my big baby. I *heart* you. :)

You're TOXIC.

If halfway through my conversation, I talk about my blog, and you seem to show some interest in it, I will offer to give u my blog add.

Or even if I don't talk about it, and you ask if I have one and ask to view it, I will also give the blog add to you.

Or if I desperately want you to read my blog, I will just give the blog add to you la!

However, I do not appreciate it when you have my blog add, and you give it to any other person, AS YOU WISH.

Do you not have basic courtesy or the bare minimum of simple respect for another human being's privacy?

And trust me, if I didn't want you reading my blog, I would not have given my blog add to you no matter what.

And I remember each and every single person I gave my blog add to. So if one day you see me writing about you here, I probably meant it for you to read it. I did not forget that you have access to my blog. Don't put your kind of stupidity on me.

When it comes down to it, I am a simple person, don't make me out to be so complicated. I really do not appreciate all the complications that comes with being someone's friend. Cuz I don't need "friends" like these.

Because you are important to me.

I just sent out an email that's 11 years late.

Butterflies. *flutter flutter*

生日快乐

今天是你的生日。
但“生日快乐”不是我想说的。
我想说的是，我没忘记你的生日。
今年不会，明年不会，应该永远都不会。

希望你今天会过的开心，生日快乐。

Feel the same.

Closure does nothing for me sometimes. I still feel the same.

I wasn't.

Disconnect to Recollect

I am getting tired of the over-exposure of everyone's life on social networks. Who is to blame? Those demanding it or those supplying it? Whatever happened to invasion of privacy?

I have been feeling this way for a few months now, hence, I have stopped logging on to Twitter and updating less on Facebook, other than photos here and there, I mostly keep quiet in the cyber world.

I still prefer to bare my soul in places like this, where I can select who I want to read my blog. Yes, I can limit the friends who see my FB updates but I am starting to resent social platforms where ppl post their entire lives on it, so I try not to do the same there at FB.

I am caught in a dilemma whenever I want to say something on FB. I think, am I sharing something with my friends, or do I just want my views and opinions to be heard? Do ppl need to hear it? What would my colleagues think of me if they saw this? Does this sound socially correct?

These days I end up not saying anything anymore.

My question is, in not allowing myself to be heard, am I losing myself? Will I lose my thoughts like how I lost my voice in the cyber world?

We live in a society where privacy is a blurred line, really. I don't need to know who stood next to you in the bus today, I also don't need to know what your child's 1st word is. A moment in the bus with a stranger, it could be a special moment, or it could be a torturous one. A child's 1st words, it could be an unforgettable experience, but it could be a painful subject for someone else.

Has everyone become so socially inconsiderate? Is sharing your intimate moments with the world a way of invading someone else's privacy?

It is truly amazing how much one can know about another through their FB page. It redefines a new group of people who are more judgemental, more critical, based on only what they see on FB. (That's a story for another day.)

"Yea she is damn materialistic, in all her pictures she is decked in branded head to toe."

"Her skin must be very bad cuz' her make-up so heavy."

"Maybe she divorced already, her pictures never see her husband one."

I will admit I am one of those who have made a few judgemental statements or 2 based on someone's FB page. And that is exactly what I am trying to change about myself. And in trying to change, I have to disconnect myself from the cyber world and actually try to know the person in person or at least try not to judge.

Our society is such, in order to stay abreast of the issues that matter, you have to stay connected in the cyber world, talk to people who have the same interests and make a stand for what you believe in. Be heard, in other words. And the way the world is so connected now, kind of disconnects some people in a way.

Those people who are contented just for themselves to know what they stand for, what they believe in. Those people who do not need to seek approval of the majority to feel secure. Those people who understand what the world is going through right now and do not feel the need help others understand. They are disconnected. Not a trace of them in the cyber world. You can't hear them, but they are there. And I choose to believe that this is by choice, and not by chance.

Right now, I am in a very awkward place. I am still trying to find my voice in the cyber world. But through this journey of searching, I feel very connected to myself and my inner voice.

So I haven't lost my voice, it is just not wanting to be heard by the world right now.

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?

I feel like I have a lot of things I want to write about. But every time I try, I get stuck.

Ok let's take one step at a time. Let's just start with what I am thinking about now.

So everyone knows I have been ttc (trying to conceive) for the longest time. After 2 miscarriages and 6 months of abstinence later (advised by my TCM doctor), we were finally back on track a month ago. So I count my days, wait for the signals from my body, do what mother nature wants us to do and BAM! I think i am pregnant. I woke up one day feeling very light-headed and nauseous. Hmmm, feels like the same as the last 2 times. I am pretty sure.

I go through another 2 weeks feeling all the pregnancy signals from my body telling me everyday I am closer to my dream of becoming a mother.

This week would have been 5 weeks. Would have.

I went to my gynae yesterday cuz I was feeling kinda crampy on one side. Cramps during early pregnancy is either very good or very bad. Good if it was just your uterus stretching to make room for the impending baby. Bad if the baby is being rejected by your body. It could mean an upcoming miscarriage.

So instead of torturing myself to death with my thoughts, I decide to just go and have it checked. It is normally too early to go the gynae with a pregnancy that is less than 6 weeks old. But I do it anyway, just to have a peace of mind.

So the gynae does a pee stick test for me and declares I am not pregnant. I cry. We pay the consultation fee. We leave. I cry some more.

Yes that is exactly what has been on my mind for the last 24 hours. "How could it be?" I keep thinking. And every time I reply the scene in my head, the one where the doctor tells me, "You are not pregnant", I tear a bit more and my heart breaks a bit more.

I am still feeling dizzy and nauseous today and my period still has not come. I think my body is all screwed with all the pressure I am putting on myself. I want to chill. Go with the flow. Let nature take its course. But it's so hard. Cuz I want it so badly. I am in misery.

What I hate most is I can only try again the next month. Once a month. 12 times a year. If I had it my way, I would be trying every fucking day, literally. The suspense just about kills me every time. I lose my sleep, cancel dates with everyone (in case i am really pregnant, I should not be going out all the time), watch what I eat, wear flats, talk softly, walk gently, stay happy, it goes on really. It's in my every thought. How to chill like that? I really dunno.

This TTC phase is taking over me, taking over my life. I want to come to terms that I may very well be childless in this lifetime and get over it so that i can finally live my wonderful life. But I dunno how to do that.

Maybe I am wanting too much, that's why I can't accept the reality of life. That I cannot get what I want, despite already having so much.

Why issit that so much goodness in my life cannot compensate for this one thing that I want and cannot have? Why oh why when I think about babies, it gets me completely down? I feel defeated and hopeless. And I hate feeling that way. It's not me.

These days I have to constantly remind myself that life is not all about having children. There are so many other things happening out there in the world. Who the hell has the time to care about you not being able to have a child?

It's another round of waiting for the next 30 days to pass quickly before I can get a shot at pregnancy again. Maybe I will grow immune to the disappointment some day.

It sounds like a good thing, but then, it sounds like a bad thing.

I am going to end abruptly now. I am sorry for being so whiny. But thank you for reading. Thank you. xxx