好想他。。真的好想，好想他。。 不过，我不会让这感觉动摇我的决心。我说过的，我要找回那坚强，有自信的自己。我不会再为任何人而活，我要为我自己而活。

这个住在我心里面的魔鬼， 实在很可怕。他只要一出现，我就会失去我所有的防备。。 我会变得不知所错。。 不知道自己想干什么。但这烦人的魔鬼。。 就是不肯走开。。不管我怎么想尽办法不让他干扰我的思绪。。 我还是会被他打败。

再过两天我就要去香港了。。 突然之间。。 我没有了那充满期待的心情。像是没有他，我根本哪都不想去。反正做什么，都不会开心的。我真的好想不要再想他了。。 但是那讨厌的魔鬼就是不肯放过我。。 我觉得好难受。。 好难受。。

希望当星期六到来的时候，我不再是陷在这样的心情当中。。 我只想放开所有的烦恼，好好的玩一次。。 难道我真的不能这样做吗？

:(

had lunch with fiona today.. and after talking for 2 hours with her.. i realised all the men that has come into my life the past month, are all men from the past. jason, zhong li, nicholas, except only william who is the new addition. :p i dun seem to be capable of moving away from my past.

as the days draw nearer to my HK trip, my mind is more and more in a rollercoaster ride. i am happy to be going.. but he is keeping my mind here.. i dun miss him, but i still think abt him, i dun love him, but i still care for him. i dun wan to get back, but i still wanna hear from him. i'm jus neither here nor there.

btu now i kno, i can do without him after all. the world is still functioning, my life is still living. nothing much has changed, except i dun haf someone to ramble to, tt's all. in fact, things haf gotten a lil bit better. i haf my own space now, which i seem to haf forgotten how much i loved it. i haf sacrificed my own likes for him in the past. i am slowly finding my life back.. finding back tt very strong person i used to be. i allow myself to be weak when he is around.. but tt weak person is gone now. :) i no longer cry at night before i sleep.. i caught myself singing a Sammi song last night just before i shut my eyes. :)

jus the way he is handling it is so wrong. like tony said, "silence periods like these are nv useful, the longer it is being dragged, the worse it becomes." and i absolutely agree with tt. problems shud b solved immediately. if u leave it alone, not only will it not get solved, after some time, u forget wat this "break" was for. wat purpose does tt serve? at least nothing for me. i jus dunno wat he has to think abt for so long. it's a simple yes or no to me. if i haf to weigh all the pros and cons, i wud jus screw it. it probably isn't worth my time at all.

only thing i can conclude, is tt he does not haf the guts to tell me wat he realli wants to say. so he is jus leaving it there, not thinking abt it, not touching it. and tt to me, is totally unfair. i am not gonna sit ard and wait, i am moving on. this time with a smile on my face. i am welcoming my new life with open arms, and an open mind. like ADIDAS says, IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING!

ladies and gentlemen, i am back.

another weekend's gone by. :)

very proud of myself. i did not call/sms him the whole week. been realli hard, but very proud of my achievement so far. :D

and this weekend, i am gg to HK!!!!!

before i get started on how excited i am, recap of how i spent the weekend tt jus passed. surprisingly peaceful.

friday night, i had dinner at my beloved aunt's. after tt, we watched our 溏心风暴 tgt. 王宗泽 is so hot. :p my aunt likes 林峰, so we each had our own eye-candies. hahah. (btw, my aunt is not old, she is only mid-30s!) oh we also had a small dose of 美女厨房.. too hilarious to not watch! not to mention 方力申 is so cute. hahah. my aunt does not like him tho. :p i forced her to agree tt he is cute. hahah.

saturday, i met up with my poly mates, jocelyn and fay. we sang K, had lunch, watched movie (captivity - very very gross). pretty much a very aimless and easy day. went home abt 10pm and watch my 溏心风暴 until 2am.

sunday, er.. watched my 溏心风暴 from 2pm to 11pm. hahah.. marathon!!! i'm trying to finish it before i leave for HK! cuz when i get back, i might forget most of wat i watched!!

so u see, it was a realli peaceful weekend, the most disturbing thing, being the movie. not for the weak-hearted. the thot of it now, still makes me feel like puking. but the story.. mm.. nothing fantastic too. oh well, jus one of those days, we had to watch a movie and picked one randomly. :p

when i was in town on saturday, i went into HMV and picked up 2 CDs. dun laugh, but, one of them was Hanson. i'm sorry but i just had to! my childhood idols! in fact as i am typing this, i am listening to it right now. THEY STILL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME. not literally their voices.. but the music style. it hasn't changed.. and i am starting to get a bit bored. taylor's "woah-oh" is still ringing in every song. haha. very very funny now tt i listen to it. it's weird but i think i jus had to buy it, for old time's sake. HAHA.

the other album i bought was 张震岳's "OK". haven't listened to it, but i think i'm gonna like it. alwaes liked him. but he alwaes takes so damn long to come out with one album. i hope it's worth the wait!

this week is gonna b a very very exciting week!!! 1st of all, my boss won't be in from mon to thur.. so no government for almost the entire week! and then, there is a HK colleague in the office this week.. who is William's colleague too.. :) he was also at the conference in BKK so he knows abt all the stuff happened in BKK. in fact, he was one of William's entourage. :p and then.. this sat i am gg to HK! hahaha. i think tt is the thing tt is making me excited la. keke. i jus hope i wun haf serious withdrawal symptoms when i get back!

sorry but this post is a bit random.. too bored in office la. hahahah. maybe one more random post after lunch. 张震岳's "OK" album review! :p

kelleia is going to hongkong, finally!

very weird. think i have been too caught up with my sob sob episode for the past weeks.. it didn't sink in that i wud be leaving for HK in 10 days!!! Thanks to .J who made an unconscious reminder to me last night. very funny leh, suddenly very excited!!! (as if i didn't kno i was gg before! haha!)

i think this is the best decision i made on impulse ever. (the 2nd being buying my SGD550 Gucci wallet!) concidentally, my tickets to HK cost the same amt!! wa lao, i am super happy with my "buys"!

few weeks ago after i had booked my tickets for HK, i started to regret.. shud i realli be gg to HK at this point?? jus after breaking up? shud i hang ard.. and u kno.. in case he calls and wants to meet up?? now i kno tt is not gonna happen anytime soon and this HK trip can't be more timely. and hello, it's HK!! the place i have been dying to go, the place with all the ppl i think are the coolest asians, and not forgetting, the chances of bumping in those hot hot hot HK celebs. OMG, i realli can't believe i am gg HK nex week!!!

aiyo, i sound so teeny boppy leh. but i can't help it la, i grew up watching those TVB dramas, my parents raised us up with canto pop music by alan tam and jacky cheung, the HK pop culture is my blood la. long before the aunties started "chasing" those korean dramas into the late nights, my mom and i were oredi "chasers" of all those TVB dramas by Adam Cheng, Leon Lai, Cheung Chilam and Ekin Cheng! and those days were when i was in primary school!! yes, i wud stay up late with my mom to catch the dramas on rented tapes. TAPES leh! hahah. super retro, can. unfortunately, i was a leon lai fan back then. *omg* i haf all his albums on tapes!!! wa, so nostalgic!

but of cuz, seeing celebs is not the only thing abt gg to HK, i also wanna go to Disneyland and Ocean Park! I dun care that Disneyland is gonna b flooded with china ppl, i have nv been to a single Disneyland in my life!! haf to go, haf to go. And Ocean Park is jus this place I have to go in HK. I've heard about this "Hoi Yeung Gong Yun" for the longest time, and all the TVB dramas alwaes go there also. hahah. So i haf to go also la!

And then, i also haf to meet up with William. the local HK guy who can take me to all the local local places, and not those touristy places. he has already drawn up an itinerary for my time there. super sweet. :)

and then.. desmond. haven't decided whether i will meet him. he does not seem to be coming clean with me on a lot of things.. and when i told him i was gg to HK, he didn't seem very keen abt meeting up. other than mentioning tt the same weekend is his brithday weekend, so i can join him to celebrate. but realli, i feel like he is feeling obliged to invite me.. so i haven't realli decided if i shud contact him when i am there. furthermore, i jus got wind yesterday that he's gotten real close to cheryl (this girl who does not kno me well, but does not like me oredi) lately and tt is definitely a warning sign for me to keep away from him. maybe jus for the sake of our "friendship", i'll call him. but it realli depends. :/

so i am gonna take so many pictures, i tell u! will be sure to post some of the best ones up here. the one with Mickey, definitely. :p

i realli can't wait for 10 more days to pass. maybe this weekend will be a happier one. :)

i kno my previous post sounded realli positive and hopeful. but i think i judged too soon. *sigh* i nv change, do i?

i left my handphone at home yesterday when i left for work. so it was a handphone-less day for me. when i got home, i saw that i had 2 missed calls and 3 messages. a bit sad right, only 3 msgs and 2 missed calls in almost 12 hours. no one wud kno if i had died at home.

so anywaes, the missed calls were from Tony. I swear, he is such a sweet guy. if he had chased me, i wud haf definitely fallen for him. unfortunately, even tho i am single now, i wud not fall for him. he is LC's fren. No-go.

then i went to check my messages, one from Tony, obviously, to check on how i am after the talk with LC. one from mommy, asking if i were coming home for dinner. one from LC. OMG. LEE CHAO. i was hoping for one, yes. probably along the line of "wanna meet for lunch?" but no, it was a very disheartening and disappointing sms.

"Thanks for coming down yesterday! I know u still care! Just wanted to explain why I couldn't make a decision yesterday. Our wounds are still very raw, impulse decisions would be made, promises committed are not real or beneficial to both of us, cuz a decision was made with the heart, not rationally. Hope understand, y some time is needed for both of us to think things through!"

i cried immediately upon reading his sms. all those things i said tt night. he thinks they are not real. GOD. they are from the bottom of my broken heart, literally. and since when has love ever been a rational thing? if u can think abt it rationally, then i think u do not haf feelings for the person. is he waiting for the day when he can think abt us "rationally" to tell me it's over? i will realli go mad if tt is the case.

also, i think he does not kno if he actually wants to be with me. for me, it's so simple. i love him. so i am willing to go the extra mile to make things work. but him? no.. he does not kno if he is willing to do tt.. he does not kno if i am the one still.

but if u read it in another way, at least he sms-ed to explain himself, why he cud not give me an answer on the spot.

either way, i am so hurt. this hurts more than not knowing wat is on his mind. ignorance is bliss. but i realli dunno if i do wanna kno or i dun wanna kno at all.

actually, all i wanna kno is does he wanna try again. simple as that. and right now, my gut feeling is telling me, no he does not want to. otherwise, wat can explain wat is taking him so long to think abt? HE IS CONVINCING HIMSELF, THAT HE DOES NOT NEED ME.

i want to jus walk away, away from him, and towards my new life. but i keep looking back, keep looking back to see how far behind he is.. i jus can't let go.. yet..

he sms-ed me this afternoon, to tell me the amt of my credit card bill. GOD. i can't believe the only thing he wud sms me now at this point of time, is my credit card bill. it is this practical side of him tt i hate. everything is abt money money money.

actually, the hating-him part after a break-up is starting to fall into place now. i hate him for being so wishy-washy abt us. i hate him for not giving a damn abt me after we broke up. i hate him for not answering my calls and sms-es. sigh i am so tired of listing things abt him all the time.

i haf to quickly get back into shape. i am due for my HK trip in 11 days!! haf shopping to do, and guys to see. :p

i realli need all the strength i can summon, i dun wanna b stuck in my crying fits and emo-momo self.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

i finally met him yday. or shud i say, he finally met me yday. i felt so guilty, i cudn't look him in the eye when i spoke to him for the 1st 5 minutes. but i cannot describe how happy i was to see him, even tho there were more tears than smiles on my face during the one hour talk.

the talk went better than i had expected, even tho it did not end the way i wanted it. there was a stark difference in the last time we spoke and how we spoke last night. we were very careful with our words and even intonations. he was extremely attentive, and very encouraging. he still spoke the same way he alwaes did, but there were a certain tinge of gentleness in his voice.

at the end of the conversation, he still asked for more time to think abt it. i was disappointed, but not too dejected. cuz i cud sense a lot of hope during the whole conversation. before i left, i told him tt i missed him a lot. and he also replied with the same words. i felt more than contented to hear tt.

still i walked away in tears. the hug i imagined myself giving him, did not happen. the hurt was still written on his face, and also on mine. i thot it was a bit too soon to have tt warm embrace. even tho.. i had realli wanted to reach out and touch him so many times during the talk.

so now we wait. it's funny but i feel like i've jus gone for an interview and am now waiting for THE phone call. but if u ask me, i think the "interview" went realli well.

i dunno whether nat will read this.. but if u do, pls dun be mad at me.. i didn't mean to lie to you abt where i had gone last night.. i kno u wud not haf allowed me to go if u knew.. but i hope u can understand tt i realli think it had been my fault this time. he is not as bad as i haf told u.. u kno i am an extremist and i exaggerate more often than not. he is realli good to me when i look at the big picture.. i want to give it one last shot this time.. i hope u will happy for me.

if i dun blog for a long time to come.. i hope it is cuz i am too busy patching things up with him.. and not vice versa.. i realli hope i can do it this time.

have a little faith in me, everyone.

a whole new world!

it's weird. i feel awfully fine these days.. think i gotta thank him for that. he's ignored me so much that i am beginning to get used to sms-ing my messages to space (cuz he doesn't reply them) and calling a number just to hear it ring forever (cuz he nv picks up). i used to get realli hurt that he wud not reply my sms-es nor answer my calls.. but the last time i msged him, i expected a non-reply.. (which i did, of cuz) and from tt day on, i seem to haf recovered from my crying fits and warped mentality that seemed only capable to be thinking of him.

maybe this was his aim, to ignore me so i wud give up. congratulations to him, it worked. i jus hope he is happy abt this, and not miserable abt it inside. after putting me thru all this pain, one of us had better feel good abt it, and it certainly isn't me.

however, i wun say i haf gotten over it completely. it's been less than a month, and i am not wonder woman. but i have been feeling better these couple of days. when i think of him, i tell myself, this is normal, i jus gotta give myself time to get used to not having him in my head. no need to cry over it, right? when i see things tt remind me of him, i tell myself, tt's normal, after all i did every freaking thing with him! very hard to find something tt wud not remind me of him. plus, i'm probably reminded only cuz my mind is willing it.. given time, i'll be fine. when i feel lonely, i think abt all those times i didn't haf my own space.. and now tt i do.. i shud realli appreciate it while it lasts. who knows if we get back tgt the next day, i will be back in that shithole where i haf no space, literally, for myself at all. lastly, when i feel like i realli want someone to love me, i think of william, he is such a sweetheart. i wud imagine in my mind, all the rendezvous-ing tt we can do when i go to HK in Aug. :p and.. of cuz.. the ultimate attraction in HK.. has got to be Des!!! :p after all, wat is being single without flirting??

i kno i sound like i haf totally gotten over him. tt, of cuz, is not true. back of my head, i still think abt getting back with him, still check my phone if i haf messages/missed calls from him, still hope tt he will get in touch with me.. but truth is, i haf oredi tried my best.. the rest is up to him.. wat's left are things i cannot will to happen. so i'm jus trying to hide this part of my emotions underneath my big wide smile. maybe we will get back, maybe we will not. i realli dun wanna think abt it for now.. jus wanna take and enjoy each day as it comes.

the best way to get over a r'ship quickly, is to start a new one. but well, i wanna make sure i realli like tt person.. and that it is not a rebound.. plus only when i haf truly gotten over him, will i look into starting a new relationship. so i am treading my ground very very carefully. :)

so come join me, and celebrate my new found freedom. and possibly, a whole new life ahead.

hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

July 16, 2007

i haf nv felt so miserable before. but this time it realli isn's anybody's fault but my own. i realli dunno why i did tt.. but only after i did, did i manage to see wat i reali want, and wat i need to do. but am i gonna get tt chance, to prove tt i am willing to make it work? after all the mistakes i haf made?

there are so many signs telling me, tt i haf lost all chances. and i reali dun blame him, i've hurt him so bad. done all the wrong things, said all the wrong things. he has lost all trust in me, even if i swear to change, he wud think twice abt believing me.

i miss him so much, my heart is realli bleeding. for the 1st time, i realli feel like this is the end.. and i am the one who caused it. in a way, i feel like i dun deserve any pity from anyone. i feel bad tt his frens are all trying to make it work for me.. i realli feel like telling them.. tt i am not worth helping.. i can't even forgive myself for wat i haf done, how can i expect him to forgive me.

there are so many things i wish i cud tell him, even if he has nothing to say to me, i wish he wud jus listen, and give me one more chance, but i reali feel that it is not going to happen. he has given up on me. he wud rather be upset and hurt, than sms me, call me or see me. he is slowly letting go, and making me give up too. i cannot describe to anyone how this feels. the person i haf planned my life with, all the things i do and say remind myself of him. the words i say, the way i think, everything. i wake up in the middle of night crying, not being able to get back to sleep. i realli need him so much.. so so much.. but he doesn't want me anymore. i jus dunno how to move on.

i now kno, the things i am willing to do and sacrifice, in order to be with him. i realli can't live without him. i am such a total mess now. his frens talk to me, tell me to be strong, give him time and space.. but all i can do, is cry. how can love hurt so much? if u love somebody, why wud u make each other hurt like tt?

i go to sleep every night, with only one thing in my mind.. how glad i am that one more day has passed.. and once i open my eyes the nex day, it will be a brand new day. but the very same night, i will b awakened by dreams.. and memories.. and my tears.. the night.. is so haunting.. the darkness in the room.. makes me afraid of being on my own.. i wish he was next to me.. his hand holding mine as we slept. i hold on to my sheets, the ones without his familiar smell. i wipe my tears with them. i close my eyes and force myself to sleep.. comforting myself tt he might call tmr.. and if i'm lucky, i might actually get to see him. that i am living each day closer to tt very day.. when i will eventually get to see him.

last night, i did such a silly thing. i took a cab down to his place.. hoping to explain things to him.. but his frens told me they were out playing b-ball.. so i turned the cab around to where they were.. and told his fren i was on my way. his fren told him i was coming and he flared up. he realil did not want to see me. he even said vulgarities at his fren. he hated to see see me tt much.. i turned the taxi back around to his place.. and sat there from 10pm to 2am. i went downstairs to his carpark.. and saw his motorbike parked there. he had gone out in his sister's car. and i was so glad to see xiaoma.. the bike tt took us to all our dinners, movies, beach walks.. everything. i saw his jacket hanging from his bike, i reached out to touch it.. i missed him so much. i want so much to ride on tt bike with him again. so so much. i went back upstairs to the ground floor to wait for him. when his fren called to ask em where i was, i told him i was at his place.. he told me to go home.. said he was not ready to talk to me.. and if he saw me there, he wud flare up at me.. but i realli realli wanted to talk to him.. i dunno if it was more that i wanted to talk to him.. or tt i realli missed him and wanted to see him. i reali dunno.. i jus.. reali miss him so much. but when i sat there till 2am, i told myself, wat is the point of forcing him to talk to me when he clearly does not want to.. i dun want things to get worse.. i shud give him his time and space.. after i haf no more right to ask for anything from him, not even his time. so i headed for home.

when i was there for the 4 horus, i had to hide from his mom, his bro and sis. the bro came down 1st to walk the dog. when i saw him coming down, i scrambled to hide behind a wall. after tt i saw his sister coming home.. i scarmbled to hide behind another wall. later tt night, sapphi saw me downstairs.. and started to bark. his mom, who was at home, thot she needed to pee again, so she brought her down. i quickly went to hide behind a wall.. but sapphi cud smell i was ard.. so she came dashing in my direction. i ran and almost kicked her. i ran into some bushes, and squattted down, hiding. sapphi came sniffing, with his mom close behind. i cud not think wat wud happen if his mom saw me.. wat wud i say? wat was i doing here behind the bushes? i do not kno.. i realli prayed tt sapphi wud not find me.. she didn't. when they went back upstairs, i came out of the bushes.. and cried. why was i in such a mess? i realli dunno wat else i was capable of doing, jus to get him bac. the more i thot abt him, the more i felt sorry, the more i thot i shud not force him, so i left.. i had wanted to leave a note on his bike.. but i took it back before i left.. he wud not be happy to kno i came to his place and waited for him.. leaving him a note in the end..

i am realli feeling so hopeless now.. i kno it is probably gonna b as bad i haf thot.. but i still harbour some thots of him coming back to me.. i realli pray and hope tt it will happen..

i think i need more than luck and miracle this time. maybe a voodoo doll. let's hope i wun haf to go there.

l o s t . . . .. .. . .....

how did all that happen so quickly?

i rem meeting him for the 1st time at jos's plc during CNY..
i rem dashing across the road from Somerset MRT to Peranakan Place with him behind me, watching out for the cars.. almost thot he wud hold my hand..
i rem sitting on changi beach with his frens, when he reached out to hold me..
i rem sitting in his room, trying to study for my exams but not being able to concentrate feeling his glances on me..
i rem sneaking up on him while he was still sleeping.. tt innocent, happy look on his face..
i rem his baby blur tee-shirt, the one tt smells of his bath soap..
i rem him stroking my hair while watching tv..
i rem him giggling in my ears at st. james..
i rem him hugging me so tight when i am sleeping that i woke up..
i rem him whispering "i love you" into my ears when i am sleeping, thinking i didn't hear them..
i rem him buying me an iPod and hiding it in the fridge..
i rem quarelling about the iPod cuz it was so expensive and he did not want to buy it for me..
i rem him lying to me abt not telling his mom anything abt us..
i rem him working so hard every other weekend that he neglected me..
i rem him gg out for his fren's wedding dinner and getting home dead drunk..
i rem him saying the meanest things to me when we argued..
i rem him ignoring my pleas and cries to talk to me..
i rem him taking off for holidays on his own with his colleagues, and not taking me along..
i rem him getting angry over me getting angry..
i rem him telling his mother almost everything tt goes on his life.. and not me..
i rem him watching soccer every other weekend night and not spending quality time with me..
i rem him playing soccer every sunday morning, falling asleep after he came home and not spending any time with me on sundays..
i rem begging him to talk to me when he refused to..
i rem waiting for him downstairs his office, but he refused to see me..
i remember feeling so hurt that he would leave me in such a sad state and not care and my feelings..
i rem him getting upset over a misunderstanding and not allowing me to explain..
i remember struggling with the thot to break up with him..
i rem seeing him after we broke up, that relieved look on his face..

i rem how much i loved him.. and how much he loved me..

i rem telling myself not to think back on all these and move forward..

cuz they are nv coming back.. those feelings, emotions.. and him..

4 years and 25 days of my life.. just disappeared.. gone..

我怀念的

我问为什么
那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么
不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我
不愿意敷衍我
还是明白
你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么
却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕
真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么
却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕
真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛

我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火
最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺

谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我怀念的
我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口

我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得

太爱了
所以我
没有哭
没有说

I QUIT!

i can't stop listening to syz's cd. .j was right. it is haunting. it can't stop ringing in my head. wud anyone believe me if i said it was even ringing in my head while i slept? i woke up humming it! *i swear this is true!*

things haf been unbeliveable between my bf and me these days. the wedding bells are not too far away. :)

work's not been so good tho. the biatch has been on my back once again.. jus when i thot i was getting used to her. i guess i can nv get used to her. she is jus too inconsiderate, too unfeeling and definitely too full of herself. it is disgusting when i look at her now. i used to be able to look at her and fake a smile, perhaps even a laugh. all i can do now, is fake a friendly voice, but keeping a straight face. i wonder how long this can last for. it's only a matter of time i go crazy working with her.

today after work, my other boss, zz's bf, had a discussion with the biatch. it was the 1st time they are working tgt on a project. and guess wat, they had an argument on their first ever discussion. i realli wasn't surprised.. after all they are much too similar. too strong-headed and too much ego. but thing is.. the difference between zz's bf and the biatch, is that zz's bf is more humane and has more feeling than she does. and naturally when i heard they had a squibble over work, my heart went out to zz's bf and i took his side naturally. i was actually happy that someone told her off abt her arrogance. funny thing is when she came back to her desk, she complained to me abt wat zz's bf said abt her. i had such a good mind to agree to wat he said abt her. only i didn't haf the guts to. I REALLI WISH I CUD SAY THE SAME THINGS TO HER.

i nv thot things between the biatch and me cud get so bad.. but i truly hate her now. i am quitting my job becuz of her. she makes me feel incompetent and useless and absolutely demoralizing to my morale. i dun haf to put up with her nonsense!

so i am finally gonna go. even tho i realli like my job and want to stay.. but working with her, is jus a NO.

i'm gonna go for a job interview tmr afternoon during lunch. i realli hope it goes well so i can get out of here quickly. only thing is IF things do go well for the interview and i get the job, i dunno how to tell steve. he is my real boss and has been real good to me. sad thing is we dun work with each other directly.. but thru the biatch. tt is wat i really hate.

at least i will feel happy for the next 2 weeks.. cuz i will b going to BKK from Apr 5 to 9! can't wait.. it will be my 1st trip to Thailand and also the 1st time i am travelling with my bf alone. :)

hopefully i will haf good news to share when i am back. otherwise, i will still be actively looking for a job. and if it gets to a point i realli can't take her anymore, i will jus quit and take a part time job 1st before i look for a full time one. yes, i am that desperate.

does anyone haf a job to recommend? :(

CNY 2007 - Oink Oink!

My CNY this year cudn't haf been better! I spent the first 8 days of CNY with my boy and it sure was a pleasant 8 days! We were together ALL the time and to be specific, we spent 192 consecutive hours together! But the most important point is.. we made past these 8 days without one single quarrel! A bloody feat, I tell u!

We basically went visiting most of the time, from his mom's side, to his dad's side, to his friends' plcs, to his office and colleague's plc... he was extremely considerate and sweet the whole time.. i dunno if he's changed or i've learnt to look at things in a different perspective. we're definitely happier together since late last year. can't out my finger on why tho.

the best part of these 8 days is that, the last 3 days his family were out of town and we had the hse to ourselves. *BLISS*

we woke up every morning to a home-made brunch, by me of cuz (without his mom telling us wat we can't/can do in the kitchen), took short naps tgt (without her sister's snores blaring away), watched tv tgt (without his sister shouting at goals/telling us wat show she wud rather watch), went out tgt, and came home tgt to a nice and quiet hse. absolute BLISS.

i'm imagining if tt is anything like married life, i wud deliriously happy! can't think of any reason why 2 ppl in love shudn't b? :)

on top of tt, my angpao collection this year is one of the best ever. i kept away from all gambling activities and managed to put all my angpao money to good use this year (i lost all my angpao money at the gambling table last year!). my angpao collection this year will go to my rental fee for next month. :)

all in all, this CNY has been a great one for me. am looking forward to the nex one oredi!! :D

HAPPY CNY, ALL!

Update on the 1st month of 2007!

there is a reason why i haven't been updating my blog. there has been too much going on, and too little time for me to even log on to type in a sentence.

i am now having lunch on a gloomy monday noon. only reason why i am able to post an entry today is cuz my manager is out of the office for the day and my project is finally giving me some air to breathe. for now at least.

my relationship with my manager and i has gotten better since the last month. it is largely due to the fact tt we work on different projects now, thus less conflicts between us. she realli is not too bad a person as a mentor and a friend. jus dun catch her on her impatient and PMS days.

In place of my manager, i now work with an associate account director (AAD), whom, well, has quite an impressive background. he makes a nice boss all, but a bit too MCP sometimes. it's a good thing i can be quite a "xiao nu ren" at work, tt's y i work fine with him so far. but i wun say tt happens everyday. at least most of the time, we're ok.

at one of our client's party 2 weeks ago, my colleagues and i were invited to turn up with our partners. when AAD showed up with his gf, i gaped in awe. his gf was a well-known celebrity (ZZ), as well as an idol of mine. i realli cudn't believe my eyes. i was almost gg to scream with a severe case of being star-struck.. but according to my bf, i did a good job containing myself and pulling off as someone who wasn't very impressed with ZZ. in the end, i got to hold a long conversation with ZZ and spending quite a bit of time around her. *unbelievable!* i remained HIGH for the next 2 days! (my bf joked that he wasn't going to wash his hands since he shoke her hands tt night! haha!) I am so tempted to put up the pictures i took with ZZ tt day.. but to protect my office from being swamped with "gou zai dui" to take a glimpse at ZZ's bf, i shall not. (Sorry, folks!)

dun think it is hard to tell tt i am in an extremely good mood today, despite being monday today. absense does makes the heart grow fonder. my bf went away most of last week on a company trip.. we were separated for 5 days. i missed him so much.. and when he touched down yday noon, i was there at the airport to welcome him home. he did not kno i was gg to pick him up and when he walked out of the belt area, his face lit up upon seeing me. it was such a joy to see his face after, er, 5 days. hahaha.

the rest of the day, he was real sweet and stayed close to me throughout, even tho we were just chilling at home. something he hasn't done in quite a while. made me real happy.

before he left for his trip, he was afraid i wud haf nothing to do for the weekend and so he sponsored for my CNY shopping! tt was so sweet.. i realli shopped till i dropped last sat. all smiles, of cuz. i also did my hair and all my CNY shopping in one day! :)

as usual, i'm looking forward to CNY in Feb. i think i'm gonna get a whole week off. and get to spend some quality time with him.

feb is ard the corner.. and love is indeed in the air!

it's coming back to me now..

yes i am gg to talk abt my break up again. if u haf had enuff and dun wanna hear no more, pls log off NOW!

b4 i go on tho, i realli wanna say thank you to Nastassja. :) she has been listening to me and my sob-sobs relentlessly for almost the whole of last week, everyday. Babe, you are definitely the best fren anyone can haf. can't ask for anything more in a fren. love you!

jos had also been kind to me. she may not kno wat i want or how i feel sometimes, but i kno tt no matter wat decision i make, she will alwaes find an excuse to back me up. :) sweet darling, she is. (yes, i haf my eyes on des now!)

i now kno tt i am slowly coming to terms with the fact now. cuz the heartache and flashbacks are all coming back slowly.

scenes of us having dinner tgt, memories of those friends' gatherings we went tgt, pictures of us in the scarlet hotel, dreams of our future tgt.. all clear in my head now.

the heartache comes in when i think abt how he still doesn't think tt i haf done anything constructive in this r'ship, despite my many efforts.

the heartache comes in when i think of how he wud rather be in pain abt our break up than call to talk to me.

the heartache comes in when i think of how his attitude towards at the end of the r'ship turned so drastically bad.

the heartache comes in when i think of how he said "take it or leave it" to me.

the heartache comes in when i think abt how in all these 3 and a half years we were tgt, we nv went for any holiday tgt.

the heartache comes in when i think of how these 3 and a half years has gone to waste, just in a snap of a finger.

and desmond has not been talking to me on MSN. i am so not feeling good market value now.

has been a crappy week for me since Monday. Pls pray for me so my mid-week will get better? i need it so bad. :(

almost there..

i got wind of how he was doing for the past week unexpectedly. tho it is exactly wat i expected him to b doing. i wud haf imagined he was drowning in his sorrows half the time. i was right.

i do feel bad tt at this very crucial time of his career, i am distracting him and making him unable to work. i actually recall the same thing happening this same time last year. good proof of jus how often we get into an argument.

when our mutual fren was telling me abt his week went, i did not feel any regret, nor heartbreak. i only felt bad for him. i wanted to be able to comfort him, as a fren. but i did not think abt wat was happening between us. to me, it's as good as over. if i realli wanted to be with someone, or if i loved someone so much.. i wud nv leave them in misery for so long.. not to mention even contemplate breaking up with them. his words and action jus make me feel tt all he wants is to break up. and the fact is he did bring it up (again) the last time we quarreled. wat position am i to say anything to save this r'ship?

i can't believe how calm i am or haf been throughout this week w/o him. i talk to ppl abt wat is gg on between us, not a single tear fell. i stay home to watch my korean drams and laugh heartily at their jokes. i accept invitations from other guys who seem to b showing interest in me.

even my close fren thinks this is a vast difference in me from the last time somehting similar happened between me and him. i was crying like someone died. and he merely ignored me for 2 days.

some part of my heart has died. i haf no more hope in him in trying to make things better. i no longer expect anything more from him. i am starting to learn to manage my things w/o him and his advice.

i am starting to find myself back.. day by day..

:)

guess desmond was right. sometimes we jus gotta b selfish. when i think of myself, i feel this is the best thing to happen to us. but when i think of him, i feel bad and wanna call him and go back to him jus to make him feel better.

but when i think of how he can leave me alone in SG and go overseas with his colleagues, how he can stay at home and watch soccer and leave me out completely, how he wud defend his family whenever things go wrong between us and how he got back with me the last time we broke up only becuz he felt bad and sorry for me.. i kno i am doing the right thing this time.

and i kno for a fact, even if we make up now, it'll only b a matter of time eveything happens again.

the things i will realli miss being his gf.. are some good frens i haf made through him.. his buds.. his buds' gfs.. some of his cousins.. and even his father. it's sad how it seems like i am losing a big part of my life jus by losing one person.

and all those promises i made to him, i realli wanna keep them.. but he is making it impossible for me to keep them by asking for a break up every time we quarrel now. (or perhaps that's the way i am telling myself to make myself feel less bad abt gg back on my words.)

i haf promised him i wud alwaes be with him , i realli want to. i haf promised to cook him dinenr everyday after we got married, i realli look forward to that. we even had our wedding plans in plc.. looks like it's all useless now. i'm impressed with how cold-blooded i haf become. not a single emotion in me is stirred as i am typing this. i even haf the sappiest love song on.. not affecting me at all.

i jus hope he wun come to me and say all the sweet stuff lest i change my mind abt leaving him. but to b honest, i kno he is not the kind to do things like tt. he wud rather let me go than beg me to stay. so.. i guess i'm worrying for nothing here.

now i'm jus waiting for a formal word from him.. or if there isn't gg to be any, at least when things blow over.. i need to get my things back from his place.. and there's also our joint account to settle. *sigh* this is the real headache for me. i hope when we go and close our account tgt, things wun get too emotional.

i think i will pull thru this time.. hang on, kelly, you're almost there.

*aza aza fighting!*

why are we waiting?

3rd day into my break-up simulation period. i wonder if the days are jus gonna go by w/o us ever talking to each other again. (impossible la, we have a joint account & i want ALL my money back!)

i surprised myself even by being THIS ok. i dun feel much affected by this simulated break-up (maybe cuz it's simulated, haha) but i think it's also becuz i feel like i am still in demand in the market. hahha. many many thanks to jimmy and desmond. they take turns to make my day since Monday. :)

so i've thot through the pros and cons of my r'ship.. the conclusion was easy to make, i shud move on w/o him. but i thot, it might look different if i actually did put it down somewhere, so, here goes:

PROS
1. he is a highly responsible person
2. he is a family man
3. he hates cheaters (so chances of him cheating are lower)
4. he tries to take care of me as much as he can when we are out
5. he is good with his money (good saver)
6. he has a good brain for numbers/investments (he can upgrade our financial lifestyle!)
7. he is not a possessive peron (but i wud actually prefer he is)
8. he is generous
9. he alwaes has a positive outlook to things
10. he has goals
11. he has strong determination
12. he is loyal
13. he is good to my family
14. he loves animals
15. he loves kids

CONS
1. he is too dependent on his family (unable to make decisions on his own)
2. he regards everyone as impt as everyone, no one is one top priority for him.
3. he is not romantic
4. he loves soccer too much
5. he drinks
6. he smokes
7. he stays up ridiculously late
8. he can't say i am more impt to him than his mother is
9. i dun get along with his family
10. he dun like to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries etc.
11. he doesn't like to fetch me from work/play
12. he doesn't take care of me well when i am at his plc
13. he does not put aside time for us
14. he does not make me feel impt
15. he does not haf respect for me (nor admiration)

I didn't intend to make them 15 each, it jus happened tt way. suddenly now tt i look at the list, they seem to pretty minor things to me? but wat i do kno is tt the r'ship is draining me of my self-esteem, my confidence and my cheerfulness. i feel lousy abt myself with him, i haf no confidence in wateva i do/say to him and needless to say, i am hardly happy.

i feel closer to him when we are apart (which shudn't b the case) and more distant when we are tgt. but i am definitely the happiest when we are alone tgt.. w/o any interruptions from anyone, especially his family. it's weird tho, cuz i feel happy when we hang out with his frens..

i realli think the biggest barrier between us is his family. i swear i've tried my very best to accomodate them (especially since i am living in their hse on weekends!) but.. their mannerisms jus turn me off sometimes. his 2nd sister especially irritates me. she has absolutely NO EQ. i am sure of that. and his mother, one word: PLASTIC. not to mention her obsession for control on her kids' lives. SHE WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

there wud not b enuff space for me to build on the paragraph above. so i wud not go on.

Pls refer to the both ways below for us to solve our PROBLEM:
1. he suddenly realises and understands where i'm coming from when i ask for time outside of those spent with his family (and watching soccer and wat not)
2. i jus become totally oblivious to all the ppl ard us and imagine tt there are only the 2 of us in the room with soccer blaring away in the tv (and him not looking at me most of the time), but then of cuz, the more matured way will be to learn to love his family too. (easier said than done, trust me.)

so ya.. looking at the 2 options above, it seems like the call is mine. cuz he is not going to suddenly realise anything, for that matter.

to be honest, breaking up has not been an option for me the past year. i told myself tt no matter wat happens, we will work it out tgt. after all, tt is part is maintaining a r'ship. if we break-up over things we think can't be resolved, it's jus gonna happen all over again in the nex r'ship, and the nex and the nex..

but, like i mentioned previously, he has been the one mentioning break-up these days and every time i hear it, the deeper the crack in my heart gets. and the more convinced i am tt he genuinely wants out. i can't possible work things out if the other party is not willing to do so anymore.

so now my point is, how do i make the decision to break-up or not when it is not even me who wanted it in the 1st plc? but the irony is, it is the way i am behaving tt is making thigs the way they are now. so how??

even if i do call him to talk abt it, it will only b an exchange of hurtful words tt will lead to a break-up. is there realli no other way to break-up? or is there no such thing as an amicable break-up?

i'm jus waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting. wat can i do, realli?

jus there.. hurting..

so someone has complained that this blog has not been updated. thank you, at least i feel impt for a while.

if u kno me by now, u wud haf detected that i am in a foul mood today. and yes, it is becuz of him again. i seem to go thru this every other weekend, dun i? i used to so look forward to the weekends.. but the past few weekends have made me a lil upset when the weekends come. i dunno if i shud b happy or not. i end up crying most often than not during these weekends.

i used to look forward to the weekends cuz i get to see him, spend time with him.. and actually get a few real laughs tt i am deprived of at work. but lately, i hardly even get one laugh when i am with him. even if there are, they are often fake. it is not tt i dun love him anymore, or i am bored with him. jus tt we are hardly alone now. there is alwaes his sister, his mother or jus somebody ard us. it doesn't seem to bother him, but it bothers me like crazy. we're not even getting one minute of time alone. even if i do get time alone with him, the tv is blaring away with soccer matches. how to vie for attention like tt?

he keeps saying tt i am asking for a lot. am i realli? all i want, is time with him, quality. is tt realli too much? i used to want him for the whole weekend, but i kno tt is impossible, i settled for jus one saturday. i kno he has to work sometimes, so i settled for jus saturday night. now i kno he wants to watch soccer.. so even saturday nights are gone. i am basically sitting ard his plc on weekends, waiting for him to throw me jus one glance.

how to be happy like tt?

sometimes i feel like i am his dog, jus waiting at home for him. waiting for him to come home.. and give me a pat on my head. then he scoots off to do his own things, watch tv, sleep, talk to his family.. as for me.. i'm jus there.. jus there..


when he gets a breather from work, he comes home to sleep, watch soccer, place bets, and wake up the nex morning bright & early, to play soccer with his mates. when he gets home, he sleeps. when he wakes up, he eats. after tt he watches soccer live on tv.

and i'm jus there..

wat am doing there, i as myself. it is not doing my self-esteem any good. i am not important, not appreciated and horribly overlooked.

so i go home.

when i come home, i cry. cuz i miss him. and wonder why he can't jus gimme tt bit of attention, which to him, is a lot for him to give.

lately he's been bringing up "break-up" a lot. whenever we argue, he wants to break-up. i get the feeling he's had enuff. but i am at the point where i realli dun wanna give up, after all tt we've been thru.

i realli dunno wat to do. i want to let go, but i dunno how to. if i can break-up and not feel any hurt and pain, i wud. but i kno it wud hurt, real bad. and i feel like i've given too much to let go now.

my biggest wish now is tt i wished i nv got started with him. or with anyone at all. i jus wanna b on my own.. by myself.. ignorant to the thing called love and things it does to you.

can i realli go back, now? i dun wanna b here.. ever..

lonely.. i am so lonely.. i have nobody.. to call my own..

something tells me tt i am caught in a bad relationship. and i do want to try to let go. below are the 3 things tt wud make me break up with him:

1. someone actively chases me now, so i kno i haf someone to lean back on when he is out of my life - i'm afraid of being alone.
2. someone actively chases me now, so i kno i haf someone to lean back on when he is out of my life - i'm afraid of being alone.
3. someone actively chases me now, so i kno i haf someone to lean back on when he is out of my life - i'm afraid of being alone.

so there. any takers?

Best Villian - BJARCH

help me. i've run out of good luck. :(

been a long time since i felt so helpless and down and out. work is not going smooth for me. i quarelled with my sis and we fell out. so she moved out. i dunno if she's gonna con't to help paying for the house. i'd b dead if she doesn't. and also, i've kinda cut myself off from all those ppl i used to regard as frens. you can say that i am more lonely these days, but i can say that my social health has nv been healthier.

there's someone new in my life creating havoc in it. we will call her BJARCH. in my opinion, she is like any other office bitch, except she's my boss. :( and there is absolutely nothing i can do to stop her since, she IS my boss. the worse thing is i actually managed to do something severly wrong at work last week and she is giving me total hell at work this week for the past 2 days. i realli hope i can survive today and not cringe too much at her irritating voice.

facing the music is alwaes hard, and tt is exactly wat i haf to do today. wat i've done wrong can warrant an immediate sack from my bosses but to b honest, i might b happier tt way. it's better than having to put up with humiliating looks and sarcarstic words. ARGH! can i fast-forward to the end of the day, pls!