林宥嘉精选！

我爱的人

i like the way he says "不要拿出你的实力" twice to make his point. SO CUTE!!

那些日子

this song has such a serene and sweet effect on me.. he looks so happy when singing it!

到不了

宥嘉和康康的合唱。。有一点搞笑成分啦，不过我有小小被感动哦。。

你把我灌醉

i love the music arrangement for this number.. this performance 很有感染力！Yoga is at his best on this one! the make-my-hair-stand kind of performance... damn power!

Last Order

his most sexy performance!!!! i like the way he sings lazily YET so in control of his voice.. *drools* (i am no pervert ok.) :p the cantonese version also by eason is called "New Order".

你是我的眼

this performance is full of emotion.. the lyrics made tears well up in my eyes.. his powerful voice is perfect for this song.

我的宥嘉毒瘾还没过耶。。 it's like i can't get enough of him!!!

宥嘉， 加油！:)

糟糕。。 我中了林宥嘉的毒。。 只要我清醒的时候，我就很想听到他的声音，他的歌。。 就连走在街上我都会轻声地唱出，“你是我。。的眼。。”。 怎么办？？

今天我一到office就立刻上YOUTUBE听林宥嘉的“那首歌”。 每听一次，就想哭一次。“那首歌”的歌词真的非常感人。。加上林宥嘉的独特嗓音和悲情唱腔，真的不被感动都难。

开始看“超级星光大道”的时候，被林宥嘉吸引的原因是因为他的歌声很独特，加上他选唱的歌曲都是我本身喜欢的。过后，发现他唱歌时很进入状况，非常投入。。真的深深吸引了我。。

但最近开始在YOUTUBE看他全部的表演后，我发现他的性格实在很迷人！他私底下真的是个搞笑高手，而且说话非常有深度。。一点都不像是个二十岁的年轻人。。肢体语言也都显示出他的自信和对音乐的热诚。自然而不做作的态度真的让我非常欣赏他！

他唱歌和表演的方式是我所见过的新人当中，最有魅力的一个。不知道有多少人跟我一样觉得和认同 - 谢霆锋是其中一个表演时最难看的嘴脸， 让人看了他的表演后想揍他一顿的感觉。 而林宥嘉表演时的嘴脸，实在令人陶醉。。 因为我看得出的表演的时候自己也是很陶醉，仿佛乐在其中。。 非常enjoy的感觉。。











看到了吗？他唱歌是多么的投入！我觉得他比专业的歌手还认真，还能放得开。。真的很迷人！

其实。。我觉得林宥嘉唱歌时的嘴形很可爱。。 嘟嘟的然后不时会形成一个完美的"O"形。。 他唱歌时的脸孔让我想起我的狗。。 可怜地很可爱。。很想伸手去疼他的感觉！真是迷死人了啦！

在他这么多的表演当中，我最喜欢的就是“你是我的眼”和"Last Order" 因为这两首歌他真的演绎得很棒。。放了很多的感情进去。。 加上"Last Order"是陈奕迅的歌。。 我当然喜欢啦！

我真的中了林宥嘉的毒了。。到底YOGA及时才推出他的个人专辑呢？



爱你啦，宥嘉！ *o*

omg, can cry CAN?!



he reminds me a bit of TAKUYA leh. issit him or issit me??? :p

haf been glued to my cable tv at home lately. have been watching E! and Channel V mostly. and suddenly finding MTV sooo boring.

i am surprised at how good the shows on E! are. (for those with cable, it is on channel 80.) or maybe cuz of my bitchy and live-for-celebrity-gossip nature, i am highly entertained by their celebrity "True Hollywood Stories" and "Top 20 Most Expensive Celebrity Weddings". (a lot of these Top 20 stuff like "Top 20 Supermodels Who Made Bank" - i.e. Richest, "Top 20 Favourite Child Stars" etc. etc. all very intriguing! :p) i have seen the "True Hollywood Stories" of Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman, Johnny Depp, Will Smith and Britney Spears so far. and i have learnt that Angelina Jolie has the best red-carpet style, Nicole Kidman went through a miscarriage during the period of her divorce from Tom Cruise (sobs!), Johnny Depp had never wanted to be an actor, Will Smith has family gatherings with both his ex-wife's family and current wife's family ALTOGETHER and lastly, Britney Spears had cheated on Justin Timberlake, leading to the split. How's that for a weekend's worth of tinseltown news?? :p (secretly proud of my discoveries - even tho i might be the last on earth to kno! haha!)

The most expensive celebrity wedding was a ridiculous 10 million dollars. MADNESS! and i dun even kno who that celebrity is. hahaha.

and my daily dose of tw entertainment news/programs comes from Channel V. i am so loving the program 模范棒棒堂! it is basically a show (full of nonsense) hosted by 范伟琪 and the boys of 棒棒堂. they are darn funny!! but not in the stupid way but in a very real life way. like they are realli off-camera and talking to each other regardless of who is around. they are so real and i realli enjoy the show a lot. the best thing is they seem to show a few episodes in a day! Channel V seems to realli like 棒棒堂 a lot cuz they show their advertisements and MVs relentlessly! i wonder if their career started off with Channel V.. i'm sorry but i haven't done my homework on them so i dunno.. but i will soon! it's like, i dun even see 飞轮海's MVs AT ALL. how weird it that??

and of cuz.. the very show i haf been denied of for the longest time.. 超级星光大道 on TVBS.. i love 林宥嘉! dunno if that's the way it is written.. his voice is oh-so-charming!!! and his face.. so adorable! wth, he is only 20!!!! *bangs wall* i feel like a cradle snatcher with all the going crazy with the boys of 棒棒堂 and 林宥嘉!

ok but the guy i like from 棒棒堂 is same age as me.. so not so bad. haha.. but i am a week older than him. :p


i like 敖犬 (bottom row, 2nd guy) and 小煜 (bottom row, last guy on the right) cuz 敖犬 looks like Edison and 小煜 looks like 方力申! actually i think this boyband has a lot of 明星脸s. the 1st guy from the left on the bottom row looks like 牛奶 from energy.. his name is 阿伟.


and him.. his voice.. omg.. when he sang 你是我的眼, my heart melted and i almost cried!!!

i have yet to find out how old 小煜 is but i will.. i alwaes need to know the age of the guy i like from TV so as to put a kind of level of maturity on him, so i kno wat to expect when i see him on TV. yea ok, weird, i kno. :p

so the next time i walk into a cd store, i am going to look for 棒棒堂's album and very possibly buy it.

does anyone kno when 林宥嘉's album is coming out? or issit out oredi?? I CAN'T WAIT!!

omg.. i am back into my boyband frenzy again!!!

*ashamed closet boyband fan*

i wun say i am not freaking out. cuz i am actually realli feeling damn scared. after all, i haf not seen them for 8 months now.. that is quite some time considering i stayed with them for 3 months before totally cutting myself off them. i'm not sure how to look to them, how to talk to them, or even how to smile in front of them. are they realli ready to accept me in their lives again?

i hate how that sounds. why does it look like i am at their mercy? like i am the one that did wrong? i guess tt is the exact impression the empress dowager wants to give out. i may be at wrong, but that does not mean i haf nothing to fault them for.

1st of all, this is between me and *him*. why are they poking their noses into our relationship? who are they to deny me? to me, tt is unfair. and totally uncalled for.

2ndly, the truth is she did talk behind my back. instead of reflecting upon her own actions (and mistakes), she is behaving like she is the one who had been tattled on. WTF! one can play the same game and if u can do it to me, why can't i do it to you??? 这叫以牙还牙！

lastly, i've said this b4 and i will say it again. if she realli loves her son, why wud she make things so difficult for him? by her denying me did not do ANY harm to our relationship and if anything, it made us STRONGER. so she jolly well know where she stands in this relationship, if she insists on being a part of it.

but the bottom line is - i am afraid of having to go back and reconcile with his family.. but i kno that if i dun, we can nv take the relationship to the next level or even get married. and if i haf to do things out of my own free will to makes things better between his family and me, i guess i will. i will get through it for his sake, not mine.

i realli hope this is a good thing for us.. me being invited back to his hse for dinner. i am so nervous abt it.. i dunno wat to expect.. but i will do my best.. TRY not to get irritated with the dowager's antics. it's going to take all i haf to fight (and win) this battle but i am determined.

and i will be wiser this time.

*he*'s back!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D

i merely spent an hour and a half with him but it was quality time. and i cud tell he realli missed me, probably more than i did. *ashamed*

and i kno this cuz his flight touched down 5.25pm, by 6pm he was home and calling me, telling me he's coming to meet me for dinner. by 7.45, he had unpacked, freshened up and already downstairs my hse.

the moment he saw me, he gave me a small but emotional hug. this is quite something considering he is nv the type to display public affection. on top of that he planted a big kiss on my head. WOW. i felt so loved and missed!!

after that we went for dinner at the curry rice place along Jalan Besar. he told me abt his Shanghai holiday (which as I had imagined, turned out boring for him) and how he hated the ppl there cuz they were rude and arrogant (and also mercenary). on top of which his colleague cum buddy, Ronald, did not go for this trip and that added to his boredom. the standard of living there is similar to Singapore, hence, everything was either more expensive or abt the same price. he ended not buying anything at all for anybody. (except for me. :D) for the 5 days in Shanghai he spent only SGD300 in all.

he sent me home after dinner as he had to meet another fren who was flying off the next day for work and he had not met up in a long time. so we sat downstairs at my void deck for a while before i went home and he gave me my "present". he bought me a pair of puma sneakers in red and white that resembles something like this:



i cud not find a picture of it online. but this is close!

he made me pay him a dollar for them (old wives' tale - don't give shoes to ppl u love cuz that wud make them run away from u. but if u realli haf to buy shoes for someone as a gift, they haf to pay a partial amt of the total cost so it wud not make it a "gift".) but i bargained for it so i ended up paying 10 cents. HAHA. aiya, it is just 意思意思 only ma... 随便啦！ :p

after which i also gave him his belated xmas present.. (i kno super late but realli not my fault cuz the thing i had wanted to get him was out of stock so i was on the waitlist for the next stock arrival.) it was a prada wallet which in my opinion he needs badly cuz no.1, his current wallet is in super bad shape!! doesn't even look like a wallet anymore; and no. 2, he is promoting to agency manager this year and i think he needs to look good (and be exquisitely endorsed) to give ppl the impression of success. i oredi think he is successful for his age but image is definitely impt. with him getting his car soon, he can't be seen using an old beat-up wallet!

i kno that no matter wat i buy him he will like it.. and even if he doesn't, he will still use it. but i appreciate the fact that he alwaes looks happy, no matter wat he receives. but i realli like wat i got him from prada, in black saffiano leather.. the prada trademark. one of the plain and simple designs (my fashion motto - less is more) that nv goes out of style:



the kind of designer wallet men should carry, expensive but subtle. i hate those loud loud designs that are screaming in your face, "I AM BRANDED!" :p

so when he opened up the present, he seemed truly happy. i think he realli likes it. :) i'm happy to see him happy. :D

so i went home and found a little spot to proudly display my new shoes in a corner of my room.. so whichever way i look, i cud see. like how Kyoko in "Beautiful Life" proudly displayed the red shoes that Shuji bought her in her room. :)

rest of the night, we didn't talk much, a few sms-es and i went to bed. woke up happy and contented this morning, feeling like there realli is nothing more i cud ask for. :)

think 2008 might actually be a good year for me!

Things we can learn from a dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Be loyal.
Run, romp and play daily.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

the recent passing of MC King got me thinking a bit. we shud realli live everyday like it's the last.. and i asked myself, wat is the one thing i wud regret not doing today if i died tomoro. and tt is not appreciating my loved ones and telling them how much i love them.

so after a dry spell from my sister for a long time now, i decided to call her last night. didn't haf any agenda but thot we shud jus catch-up. jus listening to her voice and getting up to speed to wat her recent concerns had been, nothing much. made me feel a hell lot better oredi.

everyone lives their lives differently.. and all haf different objectives. some want a successful career, some want fame and fortune.. and for me, i just want emotional satisfaction and stability. these are things i wud give up everything for. i live my life for the ultimate objective of having a happy family of my own.. and a family that is contented and healthy. and if i died tomoro, i wud go peacefully knowing my mom is healthy, my sister is happy and my brother finally grown up. and that i haf done the best i cud to make them proud of me.

and then it occurred to me.. "what abt *him*?"

and i didn't realli haf an answer. there are too many things i want for him and i cannot imagine myself not being a part of it. w/o me.. i kno he wud lose direction for a while.. but eventually, he will find back his drive and motivation.. and emerge stronger than before, better than before. and i will haf to accept the fact tt he will get over me, and he will move on. but wherever i will be, i will be happy for him and his success in life, as long as he is happy.

we talked abt this before and i alwaes told him he has to let me go before him. cuz if he goes before me, i wud not be able to take the heartache and agony.. but in actual fact, i hope he goes before me.. cuz at least i kno i will be with him till his last moment to share all his hopes and fears and be with him till the end to reasure him and comfort him..

我会陪你走完你人生的路，不过你要答应我，当我时间到的时候，你一定要来接我，ok? 不要丢下我自己走，好吗？

it's weird how people from entirely different family backgrounds can grow so close to each other and become more/as impt as ur own family. but when it does, u kno it is something beautiful and u will nv want to let go of its beauty and joy. but when the time comes to let go, it is the time you share the beauty and joy of your love with everyone.. and that is the spark that brightens the world and hope that lights up someone's life during the most difficult times.

i want to give all my strength and blessings to those in need of the spark and hope during this trying time of MC King's passing.. and pray that all will find their channel of comfort to tide them through this tough period.

把握每一天。。 珍惜所有关心你和爱你的人。。 不要让你这一生有任何后悔。。

the morning after the wedding, *he* left for his company trip to Shanghai. was upset that he did not take me along but on the other hand, i think it's a good time for us to be apart.. kinda like a test of trust for us, but realli, more for me. it is not that i dun trust him, i do. i jus dun trust the ppl ard him.. and that i am jus a wee bit too possessive of him. i am learning not to be, trust me.

so on day 1 of him being away from me, i went out to stock up on food inventory. bought a cordless kettle, a bolster, a mug, clothes pegs and some toiletries. rest of the day i slept and watched a lot of tv. at night theresa asked me over for a dvd session.. we watched 换换爱 and it is so sweet.. i am only at disc one and i am oredi addicted. i prefer 王传一 over 贺军翔 but i kno at the end of the show, i am going to fall in love with 贺军翔 somehow. but i will still love 王传一. :)

day 2 was pretty much the same. i slept, watched tv, slept. at abt 6pm. sally sms-ed me to ask if i wanted to join them for movie later that night and i politely refused, saying my stomach still felt a bit unwell so i was going to stay home to nurse it. but truth was i felt a bit weird going out with them w/o *him*. and seeing them tgt will make me miss *him* more. but less than 15 min later, agus called. he asked me to join them and refused to take no for an answer and so i agreed. was touched that they offered to keep me company in *his* absence.

they came to pick me up and we went out for dinner at swensen's and watched "Elizabeth: The Golden Age". it was ooo-kay. after the movie, they sent me home too.. realli sweet.

earlier that evening agus sms-ed *him*, "we are bringing your gf out."

*he* replied, "why like that?"

agus replied, "cuz we are 3 very bored ppl."

*he* replied, "tell her i miss her so so so so so much!"

before agus cud reply, *he* replied again, "take care of her for me! thanks!"

*****sweeeeeet!!!!!*****

but i wondered, why didn't he jus sms me??? *scratches head*

day 3, i did the same thing as day 1. watched tv, slept, went to 3sa's plc for dinner (her mom invited me.. so nice of her) and we continued our 换换爱 marathon. :p

day 4 - today. meeting my aunt for dinner at her place tonight for her famous 鸡汤米粉. :p it is super-duper delicious! i cud eat it everyday!

day 5 (tuesday) - no plans yet.

day 6 (wednesday) - baby's gonna b back! :)

can't wait. but i keep wondering why *he* doesn't sms nor call me when he is overseas. :( at least there is an improvement this time, he called me when he reached shanghai. last time dun even haf sms one lor.

the other time when i was in BKK for my company trip, i called him every night w/o fail.. plus a few sms-es here and there. he also called and sms-ed me quite a bit. but why everytime he goes overseas he doesn't call/sms??

WHY WHY WHY?? :(

sigh.. oh well.. i am jus missing him, i guess.

had the longest, happiest, saddest, most painful weekend of my life.

Agus and Sally's wedding

It was on Thursday and for auspicious reasons, all the "sisters" had to be at her hse at 4.30am. *yawn*

me being the bridesmaid cud not set a bad example so i reached at 4.30am sharp. and was the 1st naturally. other than these 2 other sisters who had stayed over.

a bit of background story before i begin. Sally and i met each other through our bfs, or rather my bf and her then-bf, now-hubby. and we haf been double-dating every other weekend ever since. i get along with most of my bf's fren's gfs but Sally and i get along like a house on fire. seriously. we're the same age and separated by 16 days only. *both proudly librans* :)

so it was natural when agus told us they were getting married that they wanted *him* and i to be their bestman and bridesmaid.

the purpose of me telling that tidbit of information is because, i haf to stress that i do not kno any of the "sisters". they were either Sally's close frens or ex-colleagues who oredi knew each other.

but i nv had problems getting along with strangers so i was at ease abt meeting them and having to spend hours with them that day. unless, of cuz, they deliberately resist me (like 自闭症).

when i arrived at Sally's plc, i met 2 of the sisters who had stayed over, ZH and KT. i wudn't say they ignored me, but they were not friendly. then i knew the morning was not gg to be easy for me. they wud look at me (with some disgust) but not talk to me. when they asked a question and i answered, they wud not acknowledge the reply and ask out loud again. :( so i resigned to being invisible for a while.

by 5.30am, the rest of the sisters arrived (6 of them altogether) and luckily, the other 4 of them was alright. LA was especially friendly and so were another 2 of them which i cannot remember their names now. :p

they huddled together to discuss wat was the minimum amt of angpao they wud settle for the gate crashing session and when they decided on the amt, ZH said, "ok, $XXX divided by 6 of us is how much?"

LA follows to ask, "6? not 7? plus bridesmaid leh."

ZH quickly replied, "no, 6. dun count bridesmaid. they dun haf one."

the rest keeps quiet.

ok, lemme clarify - it is not that i want to get a share of that angpao. in fact i haf rejected even the angpao sally and agus wanted to give me for being their emcee for their dinner that night. sally wanted to reimburse me for the transportation as well but i refused. i was as happy as she was for the wedding and it realli wasn't abt the money for me. BUT, the least they (or rather, ZH) cud haf done was do this behind closed doors! and not say all that out loud for me to hear. tsk tsk tsk.. a bit wrong if u ask me. i was only glad that sally didn't hear any of this.

so when the groom and his brother entourage arrived downstairs, sally asked me to stay upstairs in the room with her, so i did. (i was glad i didn't haf to join the sisters in their bargaining.) and from the 2nd level, i cud see (and hear) clearly wat went on downstairs from our window. and when the whole entourage approached the gate, i cud not peel my eyes off *him*! i had oredi seen him in the suit during our fitting previously but i dunno wat was so different abt him that morning. he looked so charming! i did notice tho, that he got his new haircut the day prior to that morning. or maybe i jus only haf eyes for him. oops, sorry for the mushy-mushy!! :p

the rest of the day was pretty predictable. playing games with the groom and his brothers, tea ceremony, lots of photo-taking.

before 2pm, the morning session was over and we all went back home to rest and prepare for the dinner. *he* and i were the emcees for the dinner.

i reached home slightly after 2pm and slept till 3.30pm. reached the salon at 4.15pm and my stylist rushed like mad in order for me to leave the salon at 5pm. (i was supposed to reach the hotel at 5pm for the "sisters" briefing. but learning my lesson from this morning, i decided i shud b late too.) and sure enuff, by 4.58pm, i was out of the salon's door looking like angelina jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith, according to my sytlist. haha.

i arrived at the hotel at 5.30pm and went through the emcee's script with *him*. and after that, there was pretty much nothing else to do. the sisters briefing nv took place, and if there was, maybe i wasn't invited? but u kno, i realli dun care.

we basically lounged ard the hotel lobby until 8pm. absolutely tired from the morning's activities, plus both *he* and i were not feeling well. by then, my angelina jolie's hair in "Mr and Mrs Smith" looked like angelina jolie's hair in africa.

i didn't realli eat my dinner in peace as i was afraid of missing my cues to go up on stage the entire night. but our "performance" was pretty flawless in my opinion. i got a few offers to emcee at other weddings. :p

Viral Stomach Infection

we arrived at the groom's plc at 7am and all of us were starving, considering most of us got up at 3am. food had not arrived and so ronald (one of the brothers as well as *his* colleague),*he* and i went to the coffeeshop downstairs for breakfast (the guys in their suits and me in my bridesmaid dress! *he* had been starving so bad that he started to haf gastric oredi. he took only one bite into his noodles and ran to the restroom to puke. and remained pale and pukey for the rest of the day.

as for me, my stomach only started acting up abt 12pm that day. i had assumed it was the breakfast i ate at the coffeeshop that morning that gave me food poisoning. when i reached home, i had diarrhoea like nobody's business and trust me, u dun want the details. and i also threw up twice at home, with much control not to cuz i kno throwing up is bad for ur stomach and it jus makes me wanna throw up more.

and by the time i reached the salon to do my hair, my stylist asked, "where are all ur accessories?? no earrings??"

i told him, "i am so sick and feeling so terrible that my brain cannot match properly. so i decided not to match anything at all." he then started to hand me all sorts of medicine, for flu, for headache, for fever, for everything. but nothing worked.

by 7pm, i was working up a mean fever at the hotel. running back and forth the restroom. literally 上吐下泻. it was like we were both taking turns to run to the toilet and both our faces were as pale as ghosts. ronald's wife came to the hotel with more panadol and we both took it and by 8pm, both our fevers subsided and both stomachs felt better. we took the stage like 2 perfectly healthy persons. (i surprised myself, even.)

after the dinner, we headed straight to the clinic as both our diarrhoeas and nausea came back. the doctor told us it had not been food poisoning but viral stomach infection. and very likely one of us passed to the other. (i think *he* passed to me.) we both went back to rest and were better by the next morning.

CONCLUSION

at the end of the day, i didn't get any pictures at all, cuz i felt too sick to be interested in taking photos. :( so now gotta wait for sally to send me the photos. and overall.. i had fun, even tho i was sick throughout. we kno a lot of agus's frens so it was also like a catching-up session. and *he* had been very sweet to me that day.. taking care of me even tho he was sick too. and i think sally and agus had been very very happy. when we left the hotel, agus held both *his* and my hands tightly.. not saying a single word.. i thot he was gg to cry. :p but it was a very emo and happy moment for us. sally gave me a big hug and called me, "亲爱的Kelly". i felt so touched. :)

hmm.. i wonder when my day will come? :/

NYE was 1 mad round of mahjong from 11pm to 4.30am! (i kno, i kno, we are the slowest players in the entire universe. hahaha!) i was the biggest loser and lost almost 80 bucks and since *he* was the big (and only) winner, he decided to cut everyone's loss by half, jus to make all happy. :)

things are turning out at my new place better than i had hoped.

i haf finally unpacked everything and the new room is now neat, tidy, spic and span. (except for the bits of wood shavings left behind from assembling the TV console and chair from IKEA, i haf yet to find the broom in the hse. :p)

on the afternoon of NYE, *he* went with me to IKEA in the afternoon and we shopped for my TV console for my new TV and a chair for my room. after we picked out wat we wanted, *he* suggested i get a little lamp for my room to soften the effect of the harsh white lightings the room currently has. so at the lightings section, we picked out a retro-looking white blow-glass lamp, with soft yellow lighting.

when we walked past the gardening section, *he* suggested i get a little plant for my room to brighten up the environment. so we picked out a tiny plant that looks a lot like a little christmas tree and named it Chris (for obvious reasons). it was a good name cuz we do not know the gender of the tree and Chris is a unisex name. haha.

so along with those, we also got a red cushion for my new light-coloured wooden chair, and other little accessories that IKEA is so famous for and i love to death abt it!

we went on home to fix up the stuff and *he* knocked and hammered for abt an hour before my new chair and TV console was ready for use. (thanks to theresa for coming over and loaning us her toolbox!) the new TV is now sitting proudly on my new console and the chair we bought which we thought we took the light-coloured one turned out to be the black colour one when we opened it for assembling. but it's ok cuz the red cushion is looking nice on it and the black chair matches my black TV too. :p

and now that i haf put everything in their place in the room, it is starting to haf some personality. one that makes me happy to be in. i will show some photos soon!!

the landlord and landlady has been bearable. tho they can b pretty picky abt minor things (to me). here are some of the rules they haf set for me so far:

1. air-con must be turned off once you are out of the room. even if you are just running downstairs to find your towel that has flown off from your bamboo hanging out of the window. and air-con can only be turned on from 10pm onwards. but since i do not sleep with air-con on, i am going to flout this one. (yes my towel is gone forever cuz i cud not find it downstairs and when i came back upstairs in that short 5 minutes, the landlady has checked out my room and noted that i left the air-con on.)

2. only 2 pairs of shoes are allowed at the shoe rack at any one time. (i've nv placed more than 2 pairs of shoes there during my 5-days-stay so far. so why are they complaining abt this too?)

3. no visitors. if ur fren wants to pass u toolbox, ask them to wait outside until u r done with toolbox. (so theresa came to pass me toolbox and the landlady hasn't been too happy abt having theresa in the room. they haven't made noise abt *him* in my room yet so i shall not ask. :p)

4. washing of clothes can be only be done once a week and only one load per week. (bloody hell, that means i can only wash my whites and colours separately once every fortnight????)

these are the rules established so far in the past 5 days. let's hope no unreasonable ones will be put in place anytime soon.

other than the above, the landlady and her husband are ok la. they leave me alone all the time and the location of their hse is perfect. with theresa at the next block, i tend to feel less alone. her mom has invited me to their plc for dinner tonight. :)

tmr is agus and sally's wedding.. i haf to be at her hse at 5am! which means i will haf minimal sleep tonight and it is going to be a mad rush for me all the way from after work today. will take loads of pictures and upload them when i next post. :)

and... I WILL HAF CABLE TV BEGINNING THIS FRIDAY! can't wait!! :D

i am so tired from my weekend...

i spent the whole of saturday moving room (not hse).. we only had one car so we made 3 trips back and forth.. and it is only ONE room. GOD.

when we finished moving, we rested for a bit then went out for dinner and movie. when i got back to my new room i was too beat up to unpack anything. so i didn't. i had wanted to go to sleep BUT turned out my new landlord plays mahjong. :( super depressed. i didn't get to sleep until 4 plus in the morning the next day when the mahjong kakis packed up and went home. i cudn't b more tired. i jus hope he does not play weekdays and sunday. (he didn't play last night, thank god.)

so i stayed most of yday at home unpacking.. but still only managed to do up a bit of the room only.. feeling lethargic and sick so didn't much energy to do anything. was also feeling depressed cuz they family is in the living room most of the time and that limits me to my room most of the time too. and there is absolutely nothing to do in my room.. no internet connection (i dun haf a pc anyway), no tv, no radio, no nothing! only books to read but tt made me feel realli miserable.. i cried a few times that day. that lonely feeling is so scary but the silence is the worse. :(

by evening, i was realli gg out of my mind. when *he* called to check on me, i was realli cranky.. and i cudn't explain why and he didn't kno wat was gg on. so he came to accompany me, bringing me dinner too.

i met him downstairs my block since my landlord does not encourage visitors in my room. when we sat down, he pulled out the lunchbox he brought with him and i realised he had packed food his mom cooked. i didn't ask if she knew cuz i was afraid of the answer. so i jus ate quietly.. then he mentioned he felt putting the food in the lunchbox was very cute and then i cudn't resist so i asked, "did ur mom kno u packed the food out of the hse?"

he said, "ya! i told her it was for u and she helped me to pack also!"

hearing that, i cudn't control my tears and they came like a running tap. i was very touched that his mom did that for me.. even tho she banned me from her plc.. but it was realli ironic.. i dun realli understand wat is gg on. but i was jus very touched that *he* did this for me too. i cud not explain to him why i cried but he was realli concerned.. so i told him i'll tell him when i finished the lunch box dinner.

after dinner, we sat downstairs my block and talked for a bit.. he kept asking me why i was so upset and i told him cuz i felt very restrained to my room and the emptiness in the room is very depressing.. and he immediately got up and said, "come, let's go!"

i replied, "where to??"

he said, "mustafa! let's get u a TV! then we go apply for cable, then u can watch all the shows u want in ur room!"

and i was so touched, i cudn't help it.. i cried again.

we went to mustafa and bought a 21 inch samsung tv.. perfect for my room since it isn't a huge room. *he* had wanted to buy me an LCD TV cuz i kno he wants the best for me. but i told him there's no point getting such a good/expensive one cuz i dun even kno how long i am going to stay on my own for.. and this current contract is only for 6 months.. and i managed to persuade him to get the regular TV but not the cheapest one. he bought the most expensive one out of the range cuz "it looks nicer, so it will make you happier".

sweet...

after that we went home, and *he* fixed up the TV for me. by that time, it was 1am but i was eager to watch TV cuz i haven't realli watched TV in a long time. so even after he left, i watched my new TV until 3am, watching channel u and channel 8 simulataneously. thus i am feeling even more tired today... but definitely happy. :) and in a few days time, i will have cable in my room!

i am realli blessed to haf someone like *him* looking after me.. i dun think anyone can do a better job.. when he reached home, i sms-ed him that i cried just now cuz i felt touched and he replied to say it's ok and tt as long as i'm happy, he's happy.

thank *you* so much.. from the bottom of my heart. :)


HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone!! GOOD 2008 to all!! *big smile*

i need to stop being paranoid but i realli dunno how to. :(

the dowager was out of town for abt 2 weeks and returned last night. when i heard that *he* was going to pick her up from the airport, my fury jus exploded in my heart. how come everytime she returns from out of town, the whole family has to go and pick her up? the last time i returned from out of town, he didn't even come to pick me up. WHY? he said he to work. so how come he didn't haf to work last night??

and bcuz i am in my paranoia, i am beginning to suspect the real reason why he did not offer to take me to Shanghai and HK with him in Jan next year is cuz he did not want to infuriate the dowager. perhaps the dowager wud not haf been pleased abt that. me and her son on a holiday tgt without her.

and now that she is back, i am dreading the mornings again.

every morning, i wud wait for *him* to either sms me, "I'm up" or "I reach office oredi". this normally happens between 10am to 11am. the time now is 12.07pm and i still haf not heard from him all morning. the reason being he is home with the dowager, talking. they talk every morning, they nv run out of topics. it kills me to alwaes wonder and guess wtf they talk abt.

is *he* pouring out r'ship woes to her? work woes? financial woes? WHAT!! stuff he doesn't tell me abt??!!! omg, i go crazy working my mind on these senseless thots but i dunno how to stop it! i realli hate feeling this way but when it comes to the dowager, i jus get totally insecure and paranoid.

i get upset not even knowing wat is going on the whole morning for him and lamenting why he has not bothered to send me one sms all morning!

i feel small.

i feel invisible.

i feel insignificant.

it's a horrible friday.



post-script: turns out he reached office bright and early.. and didn't call/msg cuz he forgot his phone.. see, paranoia gets you nowhere!!! glad i didn't call and lash out at him! :p

This is my WINKY BABY!

Winky has this perpetual sad face.. which is why everytime i see him, i feel the need to cuddle and sayang him. but realli, he isn't sad.. shih tzus just look like that.

Others like to say, he has a blur face. but that's pretty cute too, isn't it? :)

moving out of nat's place and to the new plc in a few days.. not feeling too excited abt it cuz the landlady gives me the impression that she isn't big on being nice. i did mention previously that i liked the fact she tries to keep the privacy between her family and me in the house by not being too friendly to me. but i think it's a bit too unfriendly when i sms her regarding the move-in and she replies with one-word answers. it jus doesn't make me feel like i am going to be comfortable in her hse.

i can oredi foresee myself hiding in the room most of the time i'm "home".

we met agus and sally yday to go through the final itinerary and other vital details of their customary wedding next Thursday. and agus suddenly popped the question, "when are u guys getting married? everyone i invited to my wedding commented that they thought you guys would be the 1st."

i jus stared into space. and when *he* turned to me and asked, "eh, he asking you leh." i felt a bit stung. as if i am in any position to decide this. i felt like screaming at the top of my voice, "the empress dowager has yet to let down her defences on me, and as long as she doesn't, we will not get married!"

why does the fate of my happiness have to lie in her evil clutches?? is this realli an act out of love for her son?? or just plain selfishness on her side?? i just cannot stress on how much i hate the dowager now. NV HATED ANYONE MORE!!!!!!!!!

*he* will be leaving for Shanghai nex weekend and i'm going to be alone.. :( end of Jan he is going to HK and then i will be alone again. By the time he returns, it will be CNY and if the dowager still bans me from appearing before her, that means i will be alone too, still.

do i realli deserve this huh? i am realli starting to get impatient.. but i mus not lose to the dowager, NEVER. i gotta hang on!!

2008 is coming.. seriously, 2 years ago, i imagined myself married and happy by now. how many more 2 years do i haf to wait??

my 2008 new year resolution - i just want to be happy..

god. i realli dunno how long i can put up with Firestarter's nonsense. She does not stop talking and it is so so getting on my nerves!!!

she is definitely an attention seeker, the typical kind with low self-esteem cuz she is alwaes portraying herself as miss know-it-all and it is so darn irritating!!!!

if you talk abt travelling, she will annouce, "my best fren works with a travel agency, she gets me the best deals in town".

if you talk abt cars, she will proclaim, "my uncle owns a tyre shop, he gives me the best car deals in town".

if you talk abt celebrities, she will offer, "my fren works with the press, she tells me all the news 1st hand".

my point is, there is NOTHING on the face of this earth that she does not know. in other words, she is a walking encyclopedia!

*puke*

maybe she realli is ms know-it-all, but the way she pushes information to ppl so aggressively in the "no-one-knows-better-than-me" attitude is just so overbearing and disgusting.

and she alwaes talk at the top of her voice, allowing her manly voice to penetrate through the office. like she owns the freaking office. WHY DOES SHE HAF TO DO THAT??

i am realli up to my neck with her nonsense. either i quickly get used to it or she loses her voice forever!!!

*SIGH*

another one of my (new) fave YZ pix:



i dunno why some stick-thin ppl can look so nice in loose-fiting tops. YZ and karen mok are best examples. ok i am not stick-thin like them but i am not too filled out either. i've tried to put on such tops but they jus look like shit on me! so sad. but YZ looks realli gorgeous in this photo. she is such a photogenic person. *envy*

oh ya i stole this pic from .J's blog. sorry ar.. *grins*

saw winky last night.. he looked better than i hoped.. except he was only skin and bones now.. all his cute baby fats gone.. no more stubby legs, no more rounded tummy, no more big head. just, boney bones everywhere. :(

he was so incredibly light to carry, i was afraid if i exerted too much force, i wud hurt him. but when i dropped him back on the ground, he ran and jumped and played. then i knew he must be feeling fine.

of cuz, that insatiable appetite of his also re-appeared and that was a sure sign that he was feeling way better than he did over the weekend. (he felt so sick that he did not haf a drop of water/inch of food for 4 days last week, thus the weight loss.)

anyhows, my winky baby is ok for now.. i'm gonna b seeing him more for the nex few months until i am put at ease that he's gonna b around longer than the doctor told us.

*keeping my fingers crossed*

winky is sick. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

trying my bestest not to cry.

i haf been so bad. i haven't gone to see him in months. doc said he might go anytime. my winky.

i will nv haf another pet after winky. i cannot bear this kind of separation and pain. sometimes i resent my sister for bringing winky home.. make us all grow attached to him and now this. i love dogs too much to haf my own.. i jus can't bear to open up my heart to be hurt like that..

winky.. b strong.. i kno u r in pain.. but no matter wat, u kno we all love u the most and no other doggie can take ur place.. dun b mad at me ok? i promise i will go see u often from today onwards. i'm very sorry for not being with u the past months..

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

had dinner with my beloved aunt at her plc last night. had our usual crazy jokes and laughs at the expense of HK celebrities, which, altho funny, we both love to the core. :)

and being my sweet and beloved aunt, she got me an ultra early xmas present!! :) when she whipped it out, i cud not take my eyes off the cover. WHY LIKE THAT!! hahah.. it was the debut album of her 亲爱的林峰！ she was very excited abt the album that she jus received in her mail the day before, having ordered it online as it is not available in singapore just yet. (or maybe will not be available at all, our local record stores dun carry a lot of HK artistes, we kno tt by now.) so we started to skim through the cd, she played the tracks that she's liked so far and i haf to agree.. it is realli good. (as i am typing this, i am listening to the album om repeat mode. :p)

not sure if others haf heard 林峰 sing before.. but he is actually good for a newcomer in the singing category. we all kno his accomplishments as an actor but this new label as a singer seems to suit him just fine too. the songs are also very "competitive".. not the low-budget sounding kind.

but i still haf to say he looks dirty to me. hahahha.

u kno how being tanned makes some ppl look dirty.. he jus gives me tt impression. but i am not saying he is un-goodlooking ok. he is not bad. wat more after watching 溏心风暴.. his character is realli very impressionable.. i like!

ok, now i will show u the album cover that realli made me cringe for a while.. but a closer look at it makes me laugh uncontrollably. :p this album comes with 3 different versions of cover.. and since my aunt ordered online, she was sent 2 copies of the album randomly:



and guess which one we ended up getting and poking fun at..

the 1st one la.. why the pose like tt one?? so not cool?!!! hahahha... aiya nvm la... inside the album got the other pictures anywae.. jus dun look at the album cover lo. (sorry ar, yiyi.. insult ur 亲爱的林峰.. but now i also like "自己保重".) :p

it's friday... phew. weekends, try not to past so quickly, ok? :D

omg, i simply cannot believe my ears. how can anybody be so disgusting????

自闭症 - "i show u i show u. this was me 2 yrs ago."
desperado - "huh! why like that.. wat happened to you?"
自闭症 - "huh.. why u say until like that.. so jiat lat meh.." (note - the pictures she is showing her is a picture of herself 2 yrs ago before she started to use make-up.)
desperado - "dun look like u lo.. so different now.."
自闭症 - "wat u mean.. that time better issit.."

desperado nv say anything to that cuz clearly, she is not the kind to offer compliments to ppl generously. she is alwaes jealous. so the conversation kinda jus ended abruptly.

wa lao. no make up and make up of cuz got make up better right!! it sounded like she was trying to fish for compliments abt how pretty she looks now?!?!? where got ppl so disgusting one, u tell me!!

*puke*

i'm sure i must have said this a gazillion times. I HAVE A WONDERFUL BOSS. but you know, nature alwaes has a way of balancing things in life.

i have HORRID HORRID, MALICIOUS MALICIOUS colleagues.

my job is a wee bit different from others. i am required to work with my boss 90% of the time. hence, it is more impt that i haf a good boss, than good colleagues. (which is the reaosn why i stayed on my job - my good boss.)

the office is currently split into 3 big sects (as i believe most offices are).

One sect, is normally made up of the pretty, happy and married/attached/hapily single babes. these girls are most of the time confident but humble. (ok not all, but mostly.) more imptly, they are down-to-earth and pleasant. everyone wants to talk to them.

The 2nd sect, is typically made up of the rejected babes. mostly average looking, petty, easily jealous and definitely, all the time, gossip mongers. (the gays love to be in this group, for strange reasons.) ok they might not be rejects, but for weird reasons, they all haf something against someone in the sect mentioned above. even if they haf never spoken to them before.

The 3rd sect, well, is the NEUTRAL sect. ppl who dun wanna get involved in office politics.

Not that Sect 1 and 2 want to. Sect 1 is more like, being forced to. ppl from Sect 2 are jus hungry for gossip, they CREATE the office politics.

lemme introduce u to the cast of Sect 2:

Joe - the gay of the sect - is actually a nice dude, when is not with them. but that is the scary part, u dunno wat he may be saying abt u.

i'm-all-that-u're-not aka 自闭症 - is such a perfect name for her. she is the supposedly "atas" one of the sect. at least she thinks she is. i hear she used to be from sect 1, but i think she decided they were not atas enuff for her. alwaes walking with her nose in the air, if she ever smiles at anyone, tt would be the eighth wonder of the world. (and she is my age)

firestarter - the "big-sister-big" of the sect. the rudest bitch i haf ever come across. i wud not call her chilli padi cuz she is easily triple the size of me. only one word to describe her - OVERBEARING.

desperado - the typical girl who is being left on the shelf. i hear she also used to be from sect 1. they say she distanted herself from them when they got married/attached one by one cuz she felt left out. more like she felt jealous lo. this one's definitely a follower, doesn't look like she's got a mind of her own.

slutty secretary - except she's not HOT at all. on the contrary, she's a plain jane from head to toe and back to head. :p she has a serious case of attitude problem. she thinks she is the most invincible secretary here - she isn't, cuz i am. i am the Executive Managing Directors's secretary, while she's only the Director's secretary. Neh nee neh nee boo boo! (I figured tt's y she hates me.)

and all of these ppl, gather every lunch time in the pantry to speak ill of someone. it's like their mouth will itch and rot if they dun speak ill of someone. but the thing is, they think that they are sect 1 ppl of the office, when in fact, they are sect 2. how i kno tt is because none of them is attached and they alwaes have that bit of jealousy look in their eyes. but it is so obvious. in their actions and the words they say. and honestly, they look like total losers. dress like losers too. (sorry to say this, but none of them are physically attractive.)

and i hate them oh-so-much. they keep stepping on my toes even tho i meander my way ard them, to stay out of their way.

and so guess wat, they haf ignited my fire. and i am going to deliver my blows twice the power, twice the size.

and i will do it so skillfully, they wud not kno wat hit them.

been seeing the "HERO" movie trailer so much that it has re-ignited my love for takuya-san. it's not like my love for him died, it's just all that korean drama hype made me lose my focus on jap drama for a while.

and at the end of the day, my love is still with jap dramas. :)

reasons are easy to list:
1. the japanese language is more pleasing to the ears
2. the storylines are more interesting, faster-paced, and endings are normally surprising
3. the setting in modern japanese cities is more interesting than korean studio settings
4. the japanese clearly haf better dress sense, thus making it a fashion show at the same time
5. i love takuya-san too much give jap dramas up

guess if i wanted to, i cud go on to list more reasons like, takuya-san looks good in jeans/wateva he wears and etc. haha.

but well yea, like i was saying, i've been seeing the "Hero" trailer ard too much.. wat more with the GATSBY ad playing on TV.. (i haf the song as my ringtone - "I.... can give you GATSBY..") made me miss takuya-san so much that i went to buy a new set of "Beautiful Life" dvds, cuz my old set has gone MIA.

and since i bought it on Tuesday, i've been watching it religiously every evening after work. and i'm almost 3/4 thru the drama.

i loved him the most during the phase of when "Beautiful Life" was shot. to me, he looked his best there.. not too boyish.. but manly with still a hint of boyish feel in him. i didn't like him in "Long Vacation" and "Love Generation" cuz he looked too young and raw in them. and in "Hero" the drama series, he looked too old.. (oops!) every time i went to kinokuniya, i wud dash to the jap mag setion and snatch up ALL mags with takuya-san on the cover. ALL. i loved him so much that anyone who knew me knew i was a kimura takuya freak. and whenever anyone saw a mag with takuya-san in it, they wud call to tell me, or some wud jus buy it for me immediately. HAHA. but hor, now i dunno where all the mags went oredi.. it's quite a small fortune leh!

and when i re-watched the drama.. OMG. i absolutely forgot how good takuya-san looks in "Beautiful Life". TO-DIE-FOR!! i dun think anyone can make me feel the way he does, and separated by the telly! i think it also has a lot fo do with his acting skills, which is so natural, it almost feels darn real! every single action, word and wink.. it is flawless. makes me tingle all the time. ok this is nothing sexual, wat i mean is his boyish good looks is jus so irresistable! and seriously, i think jeans were made for him.. he looks so good in them.. the exact way every guy shud don their jeans!! (but u need to haf a nice small, sexy butt like him la, otherwise very hard. :P)

a lot guys haf small butts, but they are jus not sexy. i dunno how takuya-san does it.. maybe it is in his walk. i dunno. omg, i jus can't get enuff of him!

even before the drama has ended, i am oredi worrying abt withdrawal symptoms from takuya-san. maybe i will re-re-watch it again after i haf finished re-watching it. HAHA.

the best way to end this post, is, of cuz, by flashing a pic of the love of of my affection. ENJOY!

i am addicted.. and it's realli not good to be this addicted.. to love.

the withdrawal symptoms are far worst than any drugs (not that i have taken any) cuz with drugs, medication can be prescribed to curb the symptoms.. but for my kind of addiction.. i'm afraid nothing in the world can do anything to help.

i dun think i can ever quit for good.. and i dun think i want to. the power of it is simply too strong.. and the goodness of it is too tempting to resist.

i've found that the most effective way to beat those addiction blues, is to keep yourself very busy and have a regular sleeping habit/hours. i normally try to turn in by 10pm on such days as i realised the later i stay up, the harder it is for me to turn in and the more depressed/lonely i get.

so last night, at 10pm sharp, i turned in to bed like a good little girl. and slept soundly like a pig. i was awakened at 1.13am by the loud ringing of my phone. i jolted awake and answered the call.. ecstatic to see that it was the call i had been waiting for. magic words were spoken after the short 10 minute call, i tossed and turned in bed, not able to get back into dreamland. figured i was simply overjoyed and body refused to settle down.

so i went outside to watch channel 8 reruns. it must have been one of the worse shows in the 80s, cuz i enjoy most of the channel 8 drama serials back then and the one i saw last night.. was.. so.. draggy. it reminded of korean drama serials. :p so i switched to channel u.. and they were playing S-Pop Hurray telecasted earlier the same day. surprisingly, it turned out far more interesting than the drama 8 serial. (i am a drama serial person and i wud normally watch any serial out of total boredom.)

the segment where they featured 李伟松 and 李思松 turned out most entertaining. in fact, it was hilarious! they played past performances of them when they just started out. OMG, the dance moves were so gawdy and over!!! even i felt embarrassed for them just watching it at home! but like 权怡凤 said, "要是没这样的过去，就不会有现在的李伟松，李思松。" :)

after that was 陈伟联's segment. it ws nothing spectacular.. his singing is like always.. which mkes watching him a bit boring. plus all the rumours that are going ard.. i am beginning to look at him in a different light now. i can't help it.

the next segment was 林俊杰.. i have never been a fan of his even tho i enjoy his latest album very much. after watching his "live" performance last night.. i was a little moved by his talent and his oh-so-addictive voice. the only word i can use to describe his performace is sleek.. and very 内练 for an artiste so young. 让我从此对他刮目相看！

after S-Pop ended at about 3am, i went back to bed.. didn't sleep until abt 4am! amazingly i managed to get up on time this morning but am having a slight headache now..

but the sleep lost was totally worth it, if u ask me, cuz i got the fix i needed badly for my addiction. :)

starting to feel like i dun belong in this world.. i shud b somewhere else.. where i can b who i realli am.. not be hurt.. and not be capable of loving. cuz i realli am not able to anymore.

the better i understand love, the more confused i am. is love not abt giving? is it not abt forgiving? why issit that now tt i undertand these.. i am not given the privilege anymore? am i realli that rotten? or has my past caught up with me? suddenly, i feel like i understand wat ex-jailbirds go thru.. even tho they are willing to change, no one is willing to give them a chance or even risk it.

many times i secretly wish i cud go back to the time when i was alone and happy.. when i was alwaes happy to be single.. nv thot i needed anyone. but humans being humans, once we haf something, we will not be contented to go back to wat we were before.. no matter how hard i try to convince myself i will b fine alone.. my heart refuses to believe my brain.

it's weird how u allow the same person to hurt u over and over again, in the same manner. and u think the nex time it happens, u'd b prepared. but no. it becomes worse than before.. it's like the history is reliving itself.. it's de ja vu.. and u scream with all ur might that u dun wanna it to happen, u dun wanna go thru it again.. but it doesn't work. it nv does. u sit thru it, the tears, the fears.. and finally when u cannot contain it within urself anymore, u find ways to release that desperation. some ppl turn to frens, some ppl turn to suicide. some both. the rest.. they think abt it.. too cowardly to do anything, too tired to want anything. and then they go thru the whole process again.

if i cud be a time-traveller, i wud go back to 2003.. and tell myself not to fall in love. cuz u wun kno how to get up and there will b no one to help you. falling in love is the dumbest thing humans ever did. a few moments of happiness is not worth an eternity of tears.

for the 1st time in my life, i dun think love realli exists. no matter how much i want to beileve in it.

something came back to my mind yday during our cold-war period. it's like i forgot abt it for the longest time.. but now tt the memory's come back, i thot i shud blog it so when i come back to read this someday, i will recall again - this very sweet little bit of detail from my r'ship stories.

there was one year during *his* reservist, i think it was probably 2 years ago.. in 2005. it was a so-called high-key, so that means his reservist lasted for abt 2 weeks. and i think he didn't get to book out weekends or something.. so we ended up not seeing each other for a long time.. until one of the days in the 2nd week, he msged me, "B! i am gg to NUH now! medical check up! u want to come meet me here?"

once i saw the msg, replied, "ok!" and bounced up from bed, (i was still in poly then.. probably one of the days i didn't go to sch. :P) and went to get ready. i showered and dressed and made up in half an hour (which is a record for me!) and ran out of my hse and got into a cab. i reached NUH in less than hour of receiving the sms. :p

when i reached, i saw him sitting down with 2 other reservist guys. when he saw me, he walked toward me and signalled me outside. his officer was within range so he cud not be too obvious abt it.

so we walked outside to a corner where no one cud see and then he held my hand. we didn't say much, he jus stood there, holding my hand and puffing away. i jus stood there and watched him puff.

after that we went back inside and he saved me a seat beside him and i jus sat there with him and his mates. he reached out to touch my hand a couple of times.

after the check-up was over, he had spare time while waiting for their transport to come and take them back to camp. so we went to the canteen to grab a bite.. caught up on a bit of our lives for the past week.. then he had to go.

i watched him get into his camp vehicle and he waved me goodbye. after that i took a cab home.

it was bizarre. it's like i dressed up to go see him for only 2 hours. and we didn't do much. and thinking back.. it was quite silly of us. haha.

but we were happy to see each other. and a warm, fuzzy feeling brews in me when i think abt it. :)

i hope more of such memories come to back to me.. so it makes me happy even for tt teeny weeny while.

tash is weird. but funny. haha.

last night abt 2am she sms-ed me to say her bf's mom was admitted to a hospital in KL and so they are driving up the very night (wee morning, rather?) and will be back later in the day. and she added at the back of her sms - "took the toothpaste. open the new one. bye bye."

i thot tt was hilarious!! tt wud be the last thing on my mind if i were her!! all i can say is she is a kind soul and i hope her bf's mom is alright.

next month this time i would have moved into my new place. am pretty excited since i'm gonna be staying in the block right behind another bestie. her mom's even invited me to dinner at their plc oredi. *overjoyed* some family warmth at last, even tho it is at another family's expense. no one can understand how much i am craving family together-ness.

lately the mommy bug in me has resurfaced. i dunno if it's me or are there more pregnant ladies ard my vicinity lately. i swear, i see one at every corner i turn. and i am so so so envious of them.. and that little bulge in their front..

in the past i used to get realli excited and look forward to becoming a mommy myself.. but lately.. when i see pregnant ladies.. i feel a bit upset. cuz i dunno if i will be able to wed in the 1st plc, not to even mention having a baby.

we had one of the most devastating quarrels this week. it lasted for 3 days. and it was over the thing i hated to quarrel abt most - MONEY. altho i must admit, it had reali been my fault. i overspent, and i knew it. it was a matter of time the cat would be out of the bag. i dunno why i didn't jus apologise and do the usual, "i won't do it again" fashion and get it over and done with. instead, we quarreled and quarreled and it was so heated tt i can still feel my anger as i am typing this.

something dawned on me and made me realise it's importance even tho i haf heard this particular phrase many times, but perhaps they were from the wrong ppl or at the wrong time. one time we were having dinner with agus's family. it was a cute group of ppl. agus and his wife, his parents, *him* and i. it was like the transitions of a couple. the bf and gf, the newly wed, and the old couple. so his mom was telling us abt 夫妻之道。 and she said, "两个人在一起，最重要就是不要太计较。" i knew that, but perhaps it was the way she had said it.. she stole a glance at her 糟老头 like seeking for approval after she said it and he nodded gently in unison. it was like they were livng examples. and at that point, i totally understood wat the phrase meant. it does not only refer to money matters, but also times when both parties are pushing the blame to each other, times when one partner does something inconsiderate, times when one partner is late, times when one partner does not keep to his/her promise.. 全都不要计较。真的。becuz end of the day, it is not abt who's right or wrong, but abt whether u r both happy tgt.

so as i thot abt tt precious piece of advise from agus's mom, i took the 1st step and smsed *him*, telling him i'm sorry and tt it will not happen again.

and in the same old fashion, it works like a charm and he melts.

see, all it takes is for one person to say something nice, it is not that difficult, realli.

i wud rather b HAPPY than b RIGHT. :)

*de ja vu! i've said the same thing somewhere else in my blog before!*

the weekend had been a bizarre one. it was an emotional rollercoaster for me, even tho it had been a good one.

*he* was moving hse over the weekend and so i was left to spend time by myself. i am quite used to that so i had no issue with the proposal. however, since his family was busy with the moving, he'd asked me to go help out for both sat and sun at the market. i wondered if the others knew i was the one tiding them over their duties, or they simply thot my mom cud manage one weekend w/o them. (she cud, it wud jus b a bit hectic.. help on weekends wud still very much be appreciated, apparently.)

i cud not help but wonder wat went thru their minds if they knew i was helping out while they moved. and if they didn't kno, why didn't *he* tell them? sigh. there i go thinking abt senseless stuff like these again. by sunday morning i became immune, cuz i knew i was nv going to get answers for my questions.

i've helped out at the biscuit shop previously, many times in fact. but i've nv been there alone. it was alwaes with *him*. wat more it was for 2 days in a row this time, by myself. saturday was extremely hard for me. i was bored. time passed so quickly when *he* was there.. talking cock and laughing ourselves silly in tt tiny shopfloor space. plus i kept wondering if his family knew i was doing this for them and if they cud somehow appreciate it. my mind was in such a riot.

by saturday night, i was a bit restless. he'd not called/msged the entire day. i figured he'd been busy. when he did call later that night, i was too upset to speak with him. he knew but he did not press for a reason. he'd felt guilty for not having spent time with me for the past 2 weeks.

i've tried to be as understanding as i possibly cud. but i cud not help getting upset somehow. i did not take it out on him this time tho. i kept to myself mostly.

on both mornings, he came to pick me up to send me to the market. i appreciated that very much. at least he is putting in that wee bit of effort that meant so much to me. he also made a point to haf breakfast with me both of the mornings. and each ended with him buying back food for his family. made me wonder if he had breakfast with me and then bought breakfast for them out of convenience or he had to buy them breakfast so had breakfast with me out of convenience. seriously, why can't i jus haf a much simpler mind??

sunday had passed surprisingly easily for me. my mom kept me very busy at the shop and before i knew it, it was time to pack up and go home. boy, was i glad i finished my 2 days of "shop duty".

so my weekend went by jus like that. i dun feel like it was any different from a weekday cuz i didn't get to see *him* much. this friday we're going to a wedding tgt, let's hope it'll be a good thing for us. at least i get to see him, if not spend quality time.

it's monday again. and i realised ever since i quit advertising, i haven't had monday blues anymore. :) looks like i made the right decision this time.. by not going back into the industry. i think i'll able to hold out here longer than the other places i've been.

keeping my fingers crossed!

i realised that blogging has to be a constant thing. i cannot stop blogging for a few days or an entire week cuz when i do, i have too much to type that i dunno where to start. it's a bit overwhelming. and so, i keep putting it off and off and off until one day, i need to get it all out.

which is today.

i have not blogged in 6 days yet it feels like a month. scary how much can happen in 6 days.

VEUVE CLICQUOT

so i was saying, the girls and i, we went out for a booze-filled night last friday. started off at Veuve Clicquot (which i have no idea how to pronounce - Vive Clico? Vuve Clickot? wateva) at the Red Dot Museum. I have never been there before so i didn't know what to expect. perhaps having no expectations is good cuz i thot the place looked amazing. it was minimally furnished and they played with the effects of coloured lighting (red and yellow), yet the place was maintained at a comfortable dim level. it was a chic affair even tho the theme of the event was "Yellow". i only saw one lady in a yellow dress and one other lady with a yellow bag. that's abt it. there were more ppl in black than in yellow. in fact, i was surprised at how well dressed everyone was! i dunno where i've been but i have never been with such a crowd before. all the men was either in suits or something realli chic and dressy like the "director's" cap with thick black framed glasses, or black suits with white leather shoes (er, sounds a bit michael jackson, hor?) There was this guy who realli made an impression on me. he was in jeans with a white shirt and black tie and super super shiny leather shoes, simple but very outstanding. probably helped that he carried off the look very well too.

the girls were mostly in short dresses, the non-revealing kind but still very stunning. a few of them reminded me of audrey hepburn. the dressing that is. very very chic.

like i said, we were headed to zouk after the event so needless to say, we were dressed like party animals, nothing chic abt it at all. when i walked in to the Red Dot Museum, i felt out of place immediately. i was in pink and white. and a very mini skirt. i felt like a slut among the classily dressed crowd! but i think theresa felt worse cuz she was spotting a very very cleavage revealing top and body hugging capris. i tried to stay close to her most of the time so i wud look more decent. HAHA.

so anywaes, we stayed there for abt 2 hours, sipping on free champagne (ok, we were gulping at one point, haha.) and people-watching. it turned out more fun than i had imagined - and more eye candy than i ever thot possible. :p

ZOUK

when we decided we were intoxicated enough, we headed down to zouk. it was M's bdae and at one point, we were determined to thrash her party. if she had been robbed of the limelight of her own party, she was be fuming mad! but we aborted our plan last minute cuz, we r jus not as evil as we wish ourselves to be. :p

we started out at members, drinking (some more) and playing drinking games. fiona nv gets enuff of the drinking games, it irritates me sometimes cuz i prefer to dance myself silly. Unfortunately, music at zouk is not the kind for silly dancing. so abt an hour later, we relocated to Phuture. MAN. it's probably been 2 years or more since i last set foot in Phuture. and i kinda forgot how f***ing good the music in there was!! i almost did not stop dancing at all for the whole 3 hours that i was in there. song after song, scream after scream, those little feet of mine nv stopped moving once, not even when i was playing drinking games with fiona. :p needless to say, almost all of us were wasted, but some holding it better than the others. poor theresa was completely wasted and we know that because when she came down the stairs from the ladies, she slipped abt 5 to 6 flights down. ON HER BUTT. HAHA. she assured me she was fine after that but the next day when i spoke to her, she yelled, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? You should check out the blue blacks on my butt, IT'S HUGE! and hurts like hell! but before that, tell me how i got them!" i laughed for a good 5 min before i proceeded to re-enact with words, on how she fell.

there were some unpleasant moments that night, but it doesn't matter cuz it had been a great night and we did enjoy ourselves after all. (lately i've learnt not to harp on unhappy events.)

pictures to prove our wild night:


@Veuve CLicquot


@Veuve CLicquot


@Zouk


@Zouk

i received a phone call on my mobile phone on wednesday afternoon about someone who wants to give me a free makeover and photoshoot.

i should have known, nothing comes for free in this world.

i've had thots of getting one done recently anywae, so it didn't take long for them to convince me to go for this "free" makeover.

i made an appointment with them the very next day, and went there after work. i was surprised to see so many ppl at the studio when i entered. if their business was this good, they didn't have to give out free makeover and photoshoots to ppl, right? at one point, i suspected that someone bought me a package and secretly arranged for me to go. *wishful thinking*

so they assigned an image consultant to me.. it was this 23 yr old malay guy.. who wasn't very good-looking, short but had a very warm personality. he spent half an hour talking to me, trying to find out more abt my personality so that he knew wat kind of clothes to put me in and the kind of mood shoot that would be suitable for me (casual, formal, provocative etc.)

There was going to be 2 shoots for me that day. the 1st one, they had decided to go with casual. so i put on a long-sleeve, off-shoulder top with my denim mini skirt. hair was straight and left hanging loosely around my shoulders.

2nd shoot, they had wanted to do "artistic". this is a tricky term. artistic, sometimes meant nude. so i got a bit worried. but they told me no no.. u will be wearing clothes on you.. but we will make it look very very deceptive.

so turns out it was a very clean and stylish concept. they gave me a "bedroom" look. i had smoky eyes and big curls in my hair. i was wearing stuff on me but in some photos, it looked like i wasn't. but it was very tastefully done.

after this, i changed out of the clothes, and proceeded to photo selection.

some of the photos turned out realli nice.. but as promised over the phone, they were only going to give me 2 complimentary photos (raw, non-editted) out of the 60 shots we took. it wasn't hard, i picked out 2 of them quickly.. one each from 2 shoots i did.

then came the dreaded bit. they tried to make me sign up for their package.

when i came, i thot all they wud force me to do, was buy more photos of myself from the shoot of 60 photos, instead of jus going home with the 2 complimentary photos.. boy, i was so wrong.. they tried to sell me their membership package worth some SGD3,800!! MAD OR WAT! they went on and on with their hard-selling for about an hour and i listening patiently and politely throughout. when i started to slowly refuse their package, they got a bit more aggressive and forceful. i also started to raise my voice and explain to them, for the 100th time, why i cud not sign up with them there and then. when it dawned on them that i was not gg to sign, they turned nasty. one of the guys said, "well, it's alright, i guess. if she's not even someone who can make a decision on her own, i don't think we should waste our time talking to her anymore."

now, that was getting personal. it hit my raw nerve somewhere. i still tried to explain NICELY.

"it is not that, i haf oredi said, i cannot jus sign away SGD3,800! i need to think abt it." i didn't even reject them completely.

"bye" the guy said back to me. before i gave myself a chance to raise my hand to slap one of them, i grabbed my bags and walked towards the door. and stormed away.

DAMN IRRITATING!!!! how can they do business like that?? even if i had realli wanted to do a makeover later in life, i wud NOT consider them anymore! i wud not even recommend them to ppl no matter how good their photos turn out!!!

so now, i am going to warn everybody - DO NOT take up any services or packages offered by a photography studio named NAUGHTY BY NATURE Image Consultants (NbyN) situated at 69 Circular Road (Boat Quay). they are simply unprofessional and rude! i am going to start my boycotting exercise as of today. go to forums and warn ppl abt them!!!

ARGH. i am still angry thinking back abt it, but at least i got 2 very nice photos out of them, while, they, got nothing out of me. HA.

maybe will show u guys the pictures later on.. need to ask ppl do some editting for me 1st. HAHA.

i am a hopeless romance-addict.

witnessing the courtship process of a girlfriend's is so much joy for me! it is like a romance novel unfolding in front of me. super sweet. :)

work woes

i feel so horrible. but i realli can't help it.

i've once again rejected the offer from the ad agency.. yes, i've decided not to join them.. initially it was because i felt bad leaving my current employment.. my boss is real nice. but later on, the ad agency called to give me such an irresistable offer, i simply cud not refuse. but as the date of joining the agency neared, i started to feel like i made the wrong decision.. my current boss was real upset tt i was leaving.. and he tried all ways and means to keep me.. and after a long long think abt wat to do, i decided to stay where i am.. cuz i simply cud not give up such a cushy job and good boss!

so i emailed the ad agency to tell them tt i haf decided not to join them.. and 1st thing this morning, i saw a reply from them.. and until now i dun dare to read it cuz i feel so bad for telling them abt my decision so late.. i was supposed to start next monday! :(

online novel

i have started on my mini project.. writing my 1st ever online novel. :) i've written many short stories before and like i mentioned previously, i got bitten by the writing bug since going back to reading chick lit a few weeks ago.

i hope to be able to complete it soon so i can publish it online fully.. publishing it by chapters is realli quite a drag. and i wun b able to go back and alter anything if i publish by chapters.. so there. :)

gg to Veuve Clicquot at Red Dot Museum tmr night and heading for Zouk after that. with all my gfs with me, i'm sure we're gonna haf a blast. will try to take some pictures so i can haf a photo blog nex. been some time since i posted pictures. :)

PJ says - "how have u been? to be honest.. have been beating the bush for so long n no point doing so anymore lah.. keep on asking how have u been, all the best.. hope u doing fine.. but of cos.. i just wanna know are u doing really good.. cos dunno why.. maybe im not in singapore and i dun have much contact with u which makes me worry.. and also.. u should know i still like u alot.. u should know that if i know u broke off with ur x n if im still in singapore.. i would rush over to u and ask for another chance.. know im still in japan for awhile.. but i just wanna know how u feel about me? can tell u one thing for sure.. i left for japan cos i couldnt forget about you.. n even after 5yrs in japan, u are still in my mind.. have no idea why but its in me for so long so why keep inside anymore.. i really like u alot.. 6yrs ago.. yes.. now.. yes.. i do not know what will happen in the future.. no one knows.. do i want to take care of u.. yes.. i do want to take care of you, i wan u to know that theres still someone outside who have been thinking of you.. and im scared of losing you again.. i lost you once.. then i found u in msn, but u left.. then i found u again.. i wouldnt want to lose you again for sure.. ppl might change, me or you might not be the very same person after all.. so what.. all i wanna say is.. if im ever given that chance again.. i do wanna be with u again.

sorry for being straight forward out of sudden.."

DK says - "i thot u were ready to be jus frens. all these years i avoided u cuz i kno u feel this way. i do not want to give u any false hope or indication tt i want to be anything more than a fren. and i think tt after all these years, i need to tell u tt i cannot be more than a fren to u. the fact tt u react the way u did or still do, is a bit frightening for me. i am afraid of u, u kno. u make me uncomfortable. i am sorry for being so straighforward, but since u r ready to come clean, i suppose u r ready for this too. i realli do not want to talk abt this anymore plus i realli haf no energy for such affairs. i haf no choice but not to reply any more of ur msgs cuz there is nothing else to say or explain on my end. i dun think it is healthy for u too. hope u can understand."

PJ says - "oei.. i do understand lah.. but no need to be frightened lah.. just after so long.. i think i didnt explain myself well enuff.. but seriousli after that email.. i dunno why.. im not thinking of anything anymore liao.. sorry for making u feel uncomfortable.. paiseh."

WEIRD OR NOT, YOU TELL ME?

if i had been an indian and celebrated deepavali, i wud haf said it had been a great holiday. :)

Public Holiday Eve - MAD SHOPPING

i spent wed evening doing the sinful affair again - SHOPPING. it was totally unplanned! i had only wanted to stop by at PS to grab dinner.. BUT!! why were there discounts and sales EVERYWHERE?!?!?! BODYSHOP, LA SENZA, CHARLES & KEITH.. ALL HAVING SALE!! how can i not shop.. it wud b so wrong.. *snickers*

ended up getting cosmetics at BODYSHOP, suder duper comfy PJs at LA SENZA (gg back today to see if there are some more!) and a pair of patent black heels from CHARLES & KEITH. oh, and 2 novels from TIMES. yes, even TIMES was having a sale!!!! unbelieveable. i'm thinking it is some pre-xmas thing. this is alwaes the best time of the year to buy stuff. cuz everything goes on sale during xmas shopping time. i developed the habit of shopping for CNY clothes/stuff during the xmas sales abt 2 years back, cuz there are alwaes better buys and stuff are in-season stuff. :) this year will be no different. (then again, i've been shopping all year this year..) *shakes head*

so after the sinful spree and eventually grabbing mos burger for dinner, i headed home and jus 5 min before i reached home, *he* called to say he's coming to pick me up and we cud go for a movie, since we didn't haf to work the next day. so i went home, almost running cuz i didn't want to run into him downstairs my place and get caught red-handed for my shopping crime. and in case he wanted to come up, i had to hide away all my shopping bags!!! i had almost wanted to gobble down my burger cuz if he knew i was having fast food for dinner at 9.30pm, i wud b pretty screwed. but i was too tired and flustered to gobble it down.. so i brought it along with me to the theatre, figuring it wud b better to get caught for this than for the shopping spree. :p

in the end, he took me to boon tong kee for a decent dinner as fast food is a no-go for him. :) *sweet*

LIONS for LAMBS - Realli? it is a movie?

we saw "Lions for Lambs" that night. OMG. it is so not a movie. it is like a freaking documentary!! like Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth". it was a weird show, IMO. there was no storyline, the flow of story didn't gel, there was no climax too. the ending was like as if it were a drama serial.. as if it was "To Be Continued". except, not in the big movie way.. like i said, in a small drama serial way.. jus pop in the next dvd and see what that last guys said in the last episode. YES, boring.

however, i think it served as a good reminder to the Americans.. the movie seemed to want to drive a messge to the Americans.. something abt staying united and supportive of the US govt to fight against terrorism. hence, it was dificult for us, non-americans to relate. *sigh* i realli wonder wat Tom Cruise was thinking when he took on the role? doing a part for the nation?? gosh, realli no idea man.

meryl streep was magnificent tho. she almost realli looked like she lived the life she potrayed in the movie. amazing actress.

my brother wud totally love this show, i think. haf to remember to tell him to watch it!

BRIDESMAID? ME!

went home amost 2am that night. woke up at 8am the next day to go to the biscuit shop. the same afternoon, agus called to ask us to go for fitting. huh, wat fitting?? apparently i am the bridesmaid for his wedding and i wasn't told until now. sheesh.. trust guys to do such things, they will nv fail in forgetting dates/impt events.

but anyhows, I AM VERY EXCITED!! i have been a "sister" at fren's weddings many times, BUT NV A BRIDESMAID!! and *he* is the BESTMAN!! it's gonna b fun!! i haf alwaes enjoyed going out with agus and his wife-to-be, Sally. sally and i get along like we've known each other for ages! we are born 16 days apart only! we can relate to each other on many issues cuz our bfs are so alike.. being the good frens they are. and we help each other "spy" sometimes. :p

so yday evening we went for our fitting at one of the bridal studios at tanjong pagar.. i had 3 short white dresses to try and i realli liked one of them.. but agus's mom and sally preferred another.. so i compromised cuz it is not my wedding after all! as long as agus and sally are happy. :)

i ended up taking the very typical but safe bridesmaid dress.. a short tube a-line dress.

it's going to be fun, i'm sure!!! can't wait till january 3!!

after the fitting, we had dinner with agus, sally and agus's parents at a traditional hokkien style restaurant in amoy street. and i realised how much i missed having dinner family-style. agus's mom is very similar to my mom, so maybe tt's y i felt very at home with them.

after dinner, *he* sent me home and read a bit before deciding to finish up the last 2 VCDs of the korean drama i was watching. and went to bed after. nothing extraordinary that day but it was a good and happy day nevetheless. i am beginning to enjoy simple days like these. :)

他应该非常的生气，因为他从来没有不回过我的简讯。不过真的不能怪他，因为如果是我，我可能会比他更生气。

可能我们之间真的应该到此为止，也真是托得太久了。。我实在很不应该，不过我真的没有其他办法。。

每年的生日，他都一定会记得打电话给我祝贺。去年，我第一次没有接他的电话。。 虽然我知道他特地等到凌晨四点钟打电话给我。。 因为他的凌晨四点钟是我的午夜十二点。不过，我真的没办法接他的电话。。 因为现在的他在我的身边。。 要我怎么接呢？

过后，我传了一封简讯跟他解释，说当时我已经睡着了。。 说了不好意思。。 对不起。。 不过心里还是过意不去。。 因为撒了谎，自己不可能好过吧。。事实是，我真的不知道怎么跟他说。。说以后我们都不应该再联络了。。 因为对我们对方的另一半都很不公平。。对他更是不公平。。 我从来没有打算过要给他任何希望或错误的幻想。我一直都只当他是一个很好很好的朋友。。 我想，我真的让他误会了。。 只能怪我自己。。

今年，他像往年一样，尝试打电话给我，想要像我祝贺。。 不过，我如去年一样，不能够接听他的电话。。 今年，我决定老老实实地跟他说，说为什么没接听他的电话。。 简讯传了出去以后，我手中握着的手机，没放下过。。 不过，过了一个小时，我知道我等的那一封简讯，是不会来的了。

可能我伤了他的心？ 可能他不知道要怎么回我的简讯？ 可能，这一次他真的决定放弃了。。

这正是我想要的结果啊。。为什么我会坐立不安呢？

我想，可能我知道，我失去了一个对我来说，非常重要的朋友。。 而他不只是一个普通朋友而已。。 他是我的初恋，一个我从来没想过可能发生的初恋。。 而到了最后，就算我们做不成情侣，我们都答应彼此我们永远会是最好的朋友。就算他有了女友，他都常常说她们都不如我。。 每几个月还是会打电话个我报导他最新的状态。

我也知道他一直都没放下过我们之间的感情。。但是，我答应过他的。。我们永远会是最好的朋友。。

看来现在，是不可能了。。

这真的是对彼此最好的结局吗？还是是我自己觉得而已？还是，是我太想保护我现在的他，而对以前的他做出伤害的事？是我自私了吗？我真的不会处理这一个残局。。

只能说，我真的很对不起。。 希望他会知道。。

I really never meant to hurt you…