最近常常感觉到一种莫名的幸福。。 就连自己一个人呆呆的坐在房间里，也会有那种感觉。 也终于开始明白，原来爱一个人，最开心的是不需要拥有他，也能觉得开心。。 因为你知道，就算你不在他的身边，他也一样的在想着你。

我觉得自己真的很笨。只有到现在才看到他所为我做的一切。他是多么的用心，多么的有耐心对待我们这份感情。 就连现在，事情让我搞得那么杂， 他还是不顾一切，尽心尽力的经营我们的关系。。 而不管他的家人怎么说我。。 真的真的很感动。 我告诉自己，i realli must not screw up this time. 因为要是还有下次的话，我将不能原谅自己！

前几天的一个晚上，他突然间传了一则简讯给我， 说着："u complete me". 我真的感动到差一点落泪！ 我想我们分开的那两，三个月was a blessing in disguise. 没有彼此的日子。。 真的让我们两个人都想通了很多事。也让我们两个人都发现彼此到底有多重要。

直到最近，我们两个人才发现我们之间有一种很自然的默契。 而在一起四年的这段日子里都一直没有发现。 分开了几个月后再开始跟对方相处，才清楚地看到我们之间的互相了解竟然是那么的深。。 我真的感到非常幸运自己还有这一次机会再重新建立我们的感情。。 这次真的不能再让他失望了。。

上个周末，我一个人在家里看了 "The Notebook" 的DVD。好美丽的爱情故事。。好久以来都没看过这么美丽又感人的爱情片了。。 博取了我好多的眼泪！男女主角在戏里面对彼此的一片痴心实在很感人。 就算分开了七年还是对彼此念念不忘。 绝对是我梦寐以求的一种恋爱。 然而，当我想了想，原来我已经找到了我自己的一场美丽的恋爱。。 真的不敢在多要求些什么了。。

真的希望所有的人都能找到属于自己的一场恋爱。。 不管它是妻美的或短暂的。。 只要是一场用了全心去爱的恋爱，就是属于你自己的恋爱。。

天下的恋人/有情人们，我们一起加油吧！

feeling very down. the got-bf-like-no-bf feeling is back and i realli feel like crap. i keep reminding myself that i wud rather b upset over this than upset over not having him in my life forever.. but somehow i am still very affected and it is making me realli demoralized. issit still gonna b like b4? can we realli go back to how we were like b4? i realli dunno.

we haven't spoken on the phone for the past 2 days.. only sms-es. i absolutely understand tt he has been so busy.. when he gets home he only wants to rest.. but i dun even get a good night msg from him.. the last msg of the day from him is normally the i'm-home msg. and it stops there. :( i dun feel like i am part of his life anymore. even tho i dun care abt the mother anymore, i feel upset tt at least when he goes home, she gets to see him.. and i dun even get to talk to him. :( :( :(

ok i can feel the green monster coming out of me again.. i realli gotta control myself.. cuz i kno if i can curb this feeling, life ahead will be so much easier for me.

i am looking forward to this weekend.. i hope he will make me feel more secure abt us and our r'ship.. :/

i haf nv felt more contented in my life.

he's finally asked to meet me after being apart for 2 and a half months. he kept holding my hand.. smiling, talking. jus like the good old days. like i've alwaes said, i've nv had any trouble with him, it's only the mother. i winced a little when he made a slight mention of his mother last night. i realli need to get over it quick, before it turns into a problem again.

i jus realli can't beileve how lucky i am. to haf him back in my life. i must not and will not screw up this time. when i walk with him hand in hand now, i jus feel so blessed. i almost can't believe he is beside me, holding my hand again. i kno i nv wanna b apart from him ever again.

things r slightly different from how it used to be.. but i am not complainnig. it might be a good thing, to not pick things up from where we left off.. a new beginning would be realli helpful.

i hope it wud realli be smooth-sailing this round.. i will try my absolute hardest to keep things tgt.. and happy.

i haf nothing more to ask for!

it has been an extremely weird time for me.. my emotions haf been running up and down like a rollercoaster.. except i am going at an even faster speed than a rollercoaster. i am freaking myself out a bit.

the des episode is definitely over. i am feeling sick even jus mentioning his name. i guess i shud realli haf known.. or listened to my aunt for tt matter. he is a player after all.. and way too many secrets he had.. i jus cudn't deal with it. not like he gave me a chance to deal with it anywae. he was alwaes lying, hiding and sometimes it made me feel so lousy abt myself, when it was clearly him who shud b feeling lousy abt this whole thing. perhaps i allowed myself to get hurt during these vulnerable times.. i am way too vulnerable right now.. anyone and anything cud come along and jus kill me with a breeze. i dunno wat has gotten into me.

for sure, i miss *him*. after the call the other day, he sometimes msged me.. jus to find out how i was.. and in his belief, trying to reassure me that he is still there for me.. he jus needs more time.. but to me, i feel like he is using me to get over me. i dunno. but i jus can't go cold turkey on him.. i tell myself i wun answer his calls, but i alwaes end up answering them. i tell myself to ignore his sms-es, but i alwaes end up replying them. i feel quite lost and direction-less now.. i am living each day like a zombie. i do wat i haf to do, smile when i haf to, eat when i haf to, sleep when i haf to. i've become very, very jaded. i'm not even 25.

perhaps it was a mistake to get out of advertising. now i haf so much time on my hands, i dun even kno how to spend the nex hour. weekends are especially gruelling.. i was feeling so lonely last sunday, i actually went to bed at 7pm.. woke up at 8am and went to work the nex day..

last night i cried myself to sleep again.. why?

dunno whether i am gg insane. i dunno wat to do with myself. nothing seems right without *him*.

i jus watched britney's "comeback" performance on MTV's VMA 2007 on youtube. omg, it was so bad. she was looking like she had too much botox, 3 months pregnant (but she isn't!) and wearing undergarments tt were too small for her. her new song was so trashy and her dance steps so stiff. for a moment i even thot i saw a psychotic smile flash across her face. it was a bit eerie.

it made me think of myself. i was also becoming tt screwed up, eerie person. life is totally whacked for me now. there are other guys ard me but i jus feel they are all bad and wrong. des is a player, zhongli has a gf, william is a clinger. and *he* is missing in action.

wat do i do with myself, realli?