The best sound in the world.

A heartbeat.

被偷走的回忆。

今天很不幸，我把手机弄丢了。过去不是没有弄丢过，但每次不见，都会有好心人把手机还我。这次没那么好运了。手机真的不见了。

其实手机对我来说，是身外物。捡到我手机的人，如果真的那么需要一只手机的话，我很乐意送他。但是手机里面的。。就是另外一回事了。我跟朋友的真心对话，和老公的甜言蜜语，儿子从出世到现在的照片和录影，所有的点点滴滴。。没了。心。好。痛。

只能安慰自己。。至少我不见的是手机里面的回忆。。而不是脑海里面的回忆。回忆可以再制造，重要的是我爱的人和爱我的人全都还在我身边，让我可以努力的去制造更多更多美好的回忆。

有时候做人就是这样，要往好的方面想，坏的不去，好的不来。要不然，日子很难过！

明天去买新手机去咯！

The End Of A Reign.

I think anyone who knows me knows about my relationship with my MIL. I will not say I am the best DIL out there cuz I am not. The fact of the reality is that I could be if I wanted to be but as Forrest Gump puts it very aptly, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get." In this case, you'll never know what kind of MIL you're gonna get.

A good relationship takes 2 hands to clap. I can only give if someone wanted to receive. Otherwise it would not be giving, it would be forcing.

After nearly 10 years of trying to get along with my MIL. I hereby declare my mission unaccomplished. I cannot get along with her if she is determined not to get along with me. Whatever I do to win her favor is an eyesore to her and whatever help I render to her is seen as being busybody. There can be no good outcome in such a relationship. 勉强真的不会有幸福!

Starting from I-dunno-when, I have started to give up on this relationship.. From turning a deaf ear to closing one eye, I have done everything I can to keep this relationship work on the surface, to avoid any kind of discord between us. I go against my working style, my principles, my conscience, to make this relationship amiable enough to live together with my MIL.

It has not been an easy journey, but at this point, I am beginning to see the fruits of my labour. Not that our relationship is getting better, in fact, it is just the opposite. It is that as time goes by, people around us are beginning to see through her pretense and my suffering and how she has been bullying me. 这些年我忍的都是值得的。

更重要的是，我的心理终于平衡了。

In the past, when I poured out my grievances to my friends, I always wondered at the back of my head, if I was being too melodramatic, was I being too biased? Is she really as demonic as she seem or did I just make her out to be so? I was confused sometimes. Why was I the only person in the family who saw her as I did? Was it really my problem? I knew in my heart it was not but why wasn't this sentiment unanimous?

I do not know how and why but everyone is slowly starting to see this side of her now and I have been getting a lot more support at home and I cannot describe to you how comforting it makes me feel. All these years, all the question marks in my head, all the unfair treatment I have been getting, it all looks perfectly clear to me now. It is like I have finally found the missing piece of the puzzle.

However, at the end of my misery, I do not feel triumphant. I do not feel glad. I do not feel vengeful. I feel understood. I feel justified. I feel free. Finally, I can be honest to myself, to everyone else. That all this time, I have done nothing wrong and I did not deserve to be treated this way. But I do not want any compensation from her. I do not want an apology, I do not want anything. I just want her to stay far away from me. That is how scary she is.

I know I should try to mend the relationship but like I said, it takes 2 hands to clap. I am human after all and I need time to get over this. At this point I cannot be magnanimous and benevolent to her but hopefully some time in the future I can find it in my heart to repair the damage she has done to my battered heart.

A Day In The Life Of A SAHM.

Thank you for still allowing me to sign in to write something on my very neglected blog. I am guilty as charged. It is not that I don't want to write but I truly have no time at all.. Even if I do, I choose to catch up on my sleep... It is very very sought after especially after 1 year of interrupted sleep. And I do mean every, single, night. No joke!!!

So maybe in the effort of trying to redeem myself, I should and am obligated to tell you about how I spend a typical day. Ah.... A day in the life of a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).....

6 - 8am
Issey normally wakes up at 8am everyday. I don't know how their little bodies work but he does always wake up around the same time everyday. On those days whereby he probably slept better than usual, he will wake up earlier, sometimes as early as 6am. But that happens like once in every 2 weeks. I consider myself lucky!

8 - 9.30am
So when he wakes up, I will normally spend some time with him, playing, cuz he is always bright and cheery when he wakes up. If papa is up for it, he will also get up early to play with him. We can be just rolling in bed or just playing peek-a-boo or simply ruffling through his hair. Just whatever, spending quality time, you know. Then about half an hour later, I will bathe him and give him his morning milk feed.

9.30 - 10.30am
I will bring Issey either in his stroller or his little tricycle to the nearby wet market where I have my breakfast everyday. He sits next to me in his stroller/tricycle.. Sometimes quietly watching the world go by.. Sometimes demanding for some food. Or both. Whichever it is, he normally isn't much of a nuisance to me. I get to finish my food and get my marketing done and then we head home.

10.30 - 11.30am
We come home and I give him some bread and fruits while I prepare his lunch/dinner. Most of the time I cook porridge, other days I will boil some soup and cook him some soft rice with steam fish.

11.30 - 12pm
Issey goes down for his 1st nap of the day.

12 - 2pm
Wile Issey naps, I finish up the rest of my cooking, which may or may not include my own lunch. Some days I just tapao my lunch from the market in the morning. In between the cooking, I also pack the room which is littered with his toys all over, do the laundry, do the dishes, clear up his morning mess which ranges from food crumbs in the floor to taking out his dirty diapers. If I have any time left before he wakes up, I catch some brainless tv on E! simply cuz I don't have the time to watch a movie on HBO or a drama serial on VV drama like I used to. In any case, Issey is normally up before I can touch the tv control.

2pm - 4.30pm
Issey has his lunch and we play with some flash cards. After that, we spend some floor time together, either reading books, playing with his toys or just cuddling him. Sometimes I leave him on his own to explore while I sit on my bed reading/surfing the net. If I have work that needs to be done, I also do them during this time. Sometimes with him on my lap.

4.30 - 5pm
Issey goes down for his 2nd nap of the day.

5 - 5.30pm
It's is a short nap since he already took a long nap earlier. I use this time to either also nap for a bit or to finish up whatever work/chores I have got left.

5.30 - 7pm
When Issey awakes, I start preparing for his dinner feed at 6pm. He normally sits on his high chair and watch me buzzing around in the kitchen. When I am done, I feed him and then clean up the kitchen, with him still in his high chair.

7 - 8.30
I give Issey a dry bath with a damp cloth and change him into his pjs. By 7.30pm he is all fresh and clean and ready for bed. I read bedtime stories to him and spend some time cuddling him. Making sure he goes to bed happy and loved.

8.30pm - 12am
After Issey falls asleep, I grab a quick dinner which I either tapao or cook for myself. After that, I tend to the rest of the chores that I didn't get to in the day. It is different everyday. Sometimes it's laundry (there's plenty of laundry to do in this household cuz there are 5 adults and 1 baby and the baby's laundry has to be done separately from ours), sometimes it's ironing, sometimes it's changing the sheets, sometimes it's packing the grocery. I mean, really, the list never ends. When I finally finish my chores for the day, which is usually about 11pm, I finally sit down to unwind. By this time everyday I am normally too tired to watch TV or do anything at all. I normally just lie in bed, play some brainless games until my eyelids can hold up no more, then I hit the sack. If hubby is home I will stay up a bit longer, chat with him or just sit by him and watch tv together. By 12am we are normally in bed.

12 - 6am
I wake up at least twice in between this time to put Issey back to sleep.. He sometimes wakes up looking for me, or simply wakes up on his own not being able to put himself back to sleep, which is the case most of the time.

And then my day repeats!

So there. A very boring but absolutely busy typical day for me. But nonetheless I would to trade it for anything as it is probably the most fulfilling job in the world to have! The returns are non-tangible, u get paid in special little moments from time to time and the feeling is spectacular. After I get kicked in the face by his little feet, I laugh and praise him for having such strong feet. No other job will have you reacting this way if u ever get kicked in the face. Haha.

Ps. This post was written a few months ago, in one of my many attempts to pick up blogging again. I do not know why I have lost the courage to share my life with my friends.. It's like I on't know how to anymore. But reading this post now, I realized how much has changed just over a few months... And I hope it is not too late to start sharing my life with you again. I will explain myself when I get the chance. For now, thanks to all my awesome friends who are still sticking around here. xxxxxxxxxxx

A Little While...

Write something. Anything. If I don't... I may even lose this very small part of myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am not lamenting. I am contented with my life now. I have everything I had imagined I would have since I was a little girl. A happy and fulfilling life.

But today, tonight, this warm breeze-less night, I thought of you. 你好吗？ You are no longer a part of my life but you have no idea what an impact you made in my life. Because of you, I believe in miracles. Because of you, I learned to love someone else besides myself. Because of you, I have special moments like this that I love to relish and linger in, even for a little while. Because it reminds me of the person I used to be when I was with you. Idealistic and romantic. Happy and carefree. I was a still a girl, a child. There was nothing I could not do. The world is limitless. The world WAS limitless.

I can't remember when, but one day, eventually, I grew up. I faced the harsh reality of life and realised what a small world I had been living in. Life was more than I thought and definitely not a bed of roses. I am lucky that along the way, I had many wonderful people who helped me along. They made it a memorable journey, eventful nonetheless, but memorable.

I look back at the person I was, as a child, and realise how much I have changed. Be it for the better or for the worst, I am happy now. A different kind of happy from when I was with you. This happiness is tangible. I can see it on the faces of the people I love, I can see it in the lifestyle I am leading, I can see it in the mirror every morning. But the intangible happiness I felt with you, the dreams, the telepathy, the songs, the love.. it is priceless.

On nights like these, I close my eyes and hold on to that person I used to be, I hold on to her real tight.. cuz when I open my eyes, I know I have to let go and be thankful that our paths crossed. Be thankful to you for the wonderful memories you gave me. That girl in me never fades away completely because of you.. I am able to appreciate my life now because you gave me the chance to live the life on the other side. I have to say, I am enjoying my life now.

For now, let me dwell in our memories for a while.. just a little while more.

你是谁,教我狂恋,教我勇敢地挑战全世界..

My boy is 3 months old today.

I have been a mother for 3 months now and it feels like a lifetime to me. It means I am so used to having Issey around that I cannot imagine my life without him. It could also mean that he has taken up so much of my life that I kinda don't remember the life I had before he came along.

But, of course, I do.

Those weekends where I took a random bus route, not knowing where it would bring me. I would pull out my sappy playlist on my iPod and enjoy the ride wallowing in fictitious bad romances and love-gone-wrongs, while the soundtrack of my life plays in my ears. I was romantic like that.

Those nights when I return home from work and just lounge around, not waiting for anyone, not having anything to do. I just spent the entire night watching SATC seasons 1 to 6 back to back.

Those late nights when I would dress up like a doll and go out for supper with my girlfriends at prata-tiams. The dressing up was the best part, of cuz.

Those weekend afternoons I spent snoozing on my bed, getting out of bed only to eat and pee.

That person feels so distant and unfamiliar. Was that really me?

Today I took Issey for his 1st bus ride, it lasted for less than 10 minutes but the journey was more memorable than any bus ride I have ever been. Everything was so foreign to my boy and he was startled at every single sound in the bus. His oohs and ahhs replaced my sappy playlist in my iPod. If only I could turn those sounds into a song, it would be a mother's favourite song.

Now that Issey has learnt to fall sleep on his own, he is normally knocked out by 8PM every night. Which means after 8PM every night, I kinda have my old life back a bit. For a few hours, I can kick off my shoes, let my hair down and lounge around.. until Issey's next feed rolls around.. and I am back to being a mom. And when I see my boy after those few hours I so crave for throughout the day, I find myself missing him and I kiss him about 100 times before I finally give him his milk.

And when Issey goes back to sleep after his last feed of the day, I still wake up every 3 hours to check on him, even though he no longer wakes up on time throughout the night for his feeds. I guess he trained me well during the 1st 2 months, I now wake up on time, just like he did.

My boy is 3 months old today.

He may still only be a baby, but he has completely changed my world and me. I don't have to dress up to impress him, in fact, I don't have to do anything to impress him, and I am already his most favourite person in the world. He can't speak or express himself but from the way he watches me, smiles at me and coos at me, I know he loves me.

Mommy loves you too, baby. I could tell you 101 things I miss about the life before you but at the end of the day, it will always be you. My perfect, precious, beautiful baby.

Please always be happy and healthy. Happy 3 months old! :)

Top 5 things I learnt from pregnancy/becoming a mom.

1. My threshold for pain is zilch, almost non-existant.

The 1st realization hit me when the contractions started. Only half an hour into the 1st few contractions, I knew I was going to need a lot of pain relief. I was not going to be able to even think straight under that kind of pain, not to mention deliver a baby!

True enough, when pain relief came, I was in heaven. And the delivery was a piece of cake. I would do it all over again the next day, with pain relief, of course.

However, when the pain relief wore off the next day, the 2nd realization hit me. The pain, omg, the pain. (I guess I will take back my words about doing it all over again the next day.) Of cuz, I am talking about the pain down there. It was unbearable. I could not sit, I could not lay down comfortably, needless to say, I could not sleep. I realized later that the pain I felt was actually from the pregnancy piles (from pushing too hard/much during labour) and not from the actual "wound". In fact, I would tell you that my gynae did such an amazing job with the stitching, I never felt an ounce of pain from the "wound". It recovered without a hitch in less than a week. Amaze balls!

But the piles, they took a while longer, maybe about 2 full weeks before I could sit on a chair like a normal person without squirming from side to side.

2. Everyone goes through post-natal blues. It's just a matter of how bad and how long.

This is the scariest part of pregnancy to me. If I knew it was going to be so bad, I would have read up way more about post-natal depression to prep myself for it. I was hit very badly and I was totally not expecting it. I do not know if it was truly my hormones acting up or was it the environmental factors at home that caused it. Maybe it was both, that my hormones were acting up and the environmental factors at home aggravated it.

1st of all, my MIL spent a lot of time with baby during the 1st week when I was weak and unable to get around much, other than going to the loo. So a lot times, the whole day went by without me seeing my baby, other than when hubby came home and brought baby to our room. (Baby was rooming with confinement nanny in another room during this time so that I could get rest.) Also, the breast milk hadn't come in so baby didn't want to latch on and that deprived me of more time with baby.

2nd of all, everyone at home wanted a piece of baby. I felt like I had to fight for the attention of my own child and that truly killed me. I felt like if I wanted to carry baby, I had to wait my turn. If I wanted to bottlefeed baby, I had to get in line. It shouldn't be like this, I am the mother of that baby and no one was giving me that respect.

A lot of environmental factors such as those stated above really pushed me to the edge and I could not stop crying. I felt like baby was not mine and I had no access to him. At one point, it got so bad that the sight of baby/sound of his cry irked me. I did not want anything to do with baby cuz he made me upset. And I felt that baby didn't need/want me.

So I stayed in my room for many days during the 1st and 2nd week, crying, sobbing and thinking about a friend of mine who took her own life during confinement a few years ago. And I finally understood why she did what she did. The depression is so overwhelming and the change at home is huge and not everyone can just jump into situation at the snap of a finger. I was really worried for myself.

Thankfully my sister came to see me everyday and saw that something was not right with me. She talked to me everyday and made me tell her everything and she would talk me through all the difficulties I faced and on days she could not come to see me, she would make sure she called several times a day. Her support was a tremendous source of strength for me and despite her own difficulties, she never once left me in the lurch. My wonderful sister.

Of course, the hubby was also there for me all the time. But at times, it was difficult for me to tell him what is wrong with me cuz I could not put my finger to the problem as well. But nevertheless, he stayed with me in the room throughout and would always come to see me 1st before baby when he came home. That meant a lot to me.

I will be very honest and say that at this moment as I am typing, I am still experiencing some blues, though much milder. I can now control my tears and when I feel like I am going to break down, I think of all the happy stuff and try to stay positive.

And everyday at home, I am still fighting those "environmental factors". But things are slightly easier on me now that I have stated my stand and claimed my "territory". Not without shedding blood and tears of cuz. (Which included my MIL running away from home for 3 days, haha. That story is for another day.)

3. You won't love your baby straight away/all the time.

I was very guilty and disappointed with myself during the 1st week of baby's arrival as I felt I did not love baby as much as I thought I would. In fact, at times when he cried, I felt annoyed. But some time later, I realised that baby is a new person in my life after all, how could I possibly love a stranger immediately? Maybe some mothers could but I could not. I felt I had to get to know baby, get used to him before I could love him. True enough, after I got to know him and his unusual ways, I loved him and everything that comes along with him. I would do everything I can to make sure he is happy and comfortable. The unconditional love is inexplicable. I truly bonded with my baby 6 weeks after he arrived and I slowly stopped blaming myself for not loving him straight away after his birth. I am not a typical mother, I guess!

4. Breastfeeding is harder than you think.

I had been very adamant about wanting to breastfeed before baby was born. Of course, I didn't know how hard and painful it would be then. The milk didn't come in steadily until about 2 weeks after baby was born. Before that, it was pure torture. The milk was building up but it would not come out and the boobs, they hurt like nobody's business! I could not sleep and every time I walked, I wanted to cry. Every movement I made was pure torture and the boobs were so sensitive, swollen and painful. I can't rem how many times I tried to stop the milk from producing so that I would not hurt. But that only made it worse. I had breast infection twice in the 1st month of baby's birth. Hubby helped to massage my boobs until there were bruises all over them. SO PAINFUL. But somehow I could feel that hubby wanted baby to have breast milk as it is the best milk for them. So I persevered and 1 month later, the milk supply stabilised and I started to get the hang of managing the routine of expressing milk every few hours to prevent engorgement and infections. Then breastfeeding started becoming a breeze. Baby does not latch on as he had taken to the bottle during the 1st 2 weeks when I was not producing enough milk for him. In the beginning when the milk started coming in, I tried to get baby to latch on, and quit the bottle but he refused. He cried and screamed every time I tried to breastfeed him. My heart broke when he cried so miserably and was so hungry but refused to latch on. It made me feel unfit as a mother and rejected by my own child, it was a horrible feeling. So I decided not to force him and express the breast milk exclusively. He now takes his breast milk in a bottle and I have overcome the feeling of rejection by telling myself it doesn't matter how he takes his milk as long as he is getting it. His health is the utmost importance and I should stop thinking about my feelings only!

5. Confinement can be enjoyable.

Maybe cuz I was lucky to have a fabulous confinement nanny. She made my confinement so pleasant! She forbade me to do any chores (including washing a cup) so I laid in bed most of the time. She was also a wonderful cook and I had yummy homecooked food everyday, 3 times a day, for a month! She was a very experienced nanny so she knew all the dos and don'ts of confinement and wanted me to follow it strictly. I was glad she was strict with me as I wanted a traditional confinement to make sure my body recovers completely and get nourished better than pre-pregnancy. And yes I did not bathe for 3 weeks!! But I was allowed a wipe-down with herbal water every day so that made it more bearable. She also taught me how to take care of baby after she was gone and was very meticulous with details. Being a 1st time mom, it could be scary being left alone with baby but the confinement nanny taught me enough to make me feel confident of handling the baby on my own. When she left, we both cried. I only knew her for a month but I had grown so close to her. She even called to check on me the next day after she went home. I told her I would see her again 2 years later. :)

Wow very long post that took me a few days to type! (in between a lot of baby crying and feeding!) It is now almost 1AM and time for baby's next feed. I suppose this blog will now turn into a "Mommy" blog and it may be boring for some.... may consider starting a new blog for all the parenting rants. :p Will update on that!

For now, nitey nite and hope my next post won't be 3 months later. :p